SURVIVORS OF SOCIOPATHS Community Group
A group where we support one another and share our experiences with each other about narcissistic relationships. a place to heal if you have been "touched" by a sociopath. there is hope. share your experience strength and hope here with others who have been where you are. together we help each other heal...
Hi Guys
Thanks for letting me write. It is late at night in cape town south africa and I am sitting with another experience of abuse that I had earlier, with a new person, and forcing myself to look at my part in it, not to self flagellate, but to take responsibility and learn. Bella has recommended I talk to the group and not only to her so here I am sharing and writing because it helps, as does the feedback.
Yes I understand now that my ex was and is a sociopath and that I have been exposed to an extreme personality disorder that has had a massive effect on me and that it will take me time to heal. I have seen how many of you write that as survivors we must believe that how broken we are IS NOT OUR FAULT, and that instead we have been damaged by individuals who have no conscience or empathy etc.
But I ask myself some questions and provide myself with some answers as I write:
1. Why did I not leave - why did I allow it to go on for 13 years - and yes, I know that his tactics and behaviour broke me down so solidly that I became immobile, and that my self esteem crumbled, and that my main objective was to achieve feeling worthy in his eyes, and perhaps I was just plain stupid.
2. I want to take responsibility for not leaving - I am an intelligent woman and I could have, did almost achieve it for 5 months then brought him back into my life, delaying my healing further and exposing myself further to his tactics, strategy and abuse - I CHOSE that. Already by that point I knew he was damaging for me, whatever we want to call him or name him as. I knew his affect on me, I saw the false promises and the empty apologies. But I stayed for a further two years. In the five months I stayed away from him I SAW myself grow and get stronger and laugh again, but as said, then I took him back. I was addicted to him and desperately wanted to feel that I had the power to get him back and receive some kind of false love. It took me two more years to see that love and abuse never ever sit together in reality.
3. In my case, and it might differ from some of you other guys, I do want to take some responsibility in all this, and I do want to admit that I craved some kind of recognition and love from him and sought it for 13 long years, no matter the ill effects of him on me and what it cost me. I do want to take that responsibility for not leaving and telling him to get fucked (excuse my language) a million years earlier, after the first time he beat me black and blue, not the 10th time. It is only now that I sit back and look back and reflect and see how he and the universe showed me repeated signs of what I was involved in and allowing myself to remain involved in, no matter that he weakened me. For me taking some responsibility removes me out of a victim stance - into a survivor stance - and shows me that actually I could have, but did not. I played a role in all of this.
4. A friend said to me the other day that a role I played was in being entirely manipulative with him and that whilst out of the relationship now, in the early days out, it was me who also used the dogs, my dogs, to access attention from him, something I craved and had learnt to crave during the relationship, even perhaps as a result of a strategy from him. But I would play it and try and play him as much as he played me. The only difference is I did not lift a hand or raise a fist, or use disgusting verbal abuse, or have affairs, or discard without any conscience or empathy.
5. She has made me ask myself whether being manipulative is part of a character defect of my own that I need to accept and deal with, also as part of my healing. I asked her if she found me manipulative as a girlfriend and her answer was that over the years and years she always believed my stories about his damage to me and and and, and never ever admitted if I caused damage to him too, or whether the stance I took as a victim with all my friends was authentic, and that actually they all started to feel that I was using this as a necessary measure to gain attention, even if what was going on at home behind closed doors was real. I have to look at that now - do I myself use some form of manipulation to gain access to care and love instead of believing in myself and finding that care and love inside myself, believing in myself, accessing my own form of self love.
I could say more but I can't write right now because its feeling all sore and confusing again, and I wish there were a formula or 5 steps to take for this to all end and the feelings to pass, and the pain to pass.
What I have learned from you guys is this:
1. These are people with a severe personality disorder who very dangerously have no empathy and conscience
2. That this makes them extremely damaging people, whether it can be debated that I should have left or not or should take responsibility
3. That these are extremely damaging people who literally rip away your self belief, esteem or life, until you are raw
4. That you lose perspective and can't judge that well afterwards, or your filters are way sensitive and not that strong
5. That knowing others have been through the same thing is essential, otherwise you feel like you are going mad and have just fucked up your life totally all on your own - when no, how fucked up it has become has also been as a result of a sociopathic monster
6. That you can heal but it is going to take time, and that in fact this exposure to a sociopath is very much like having a serious drug addiction, where you become to depend on the person to feel any self worth and crave of them intensely
7. That sometimes to just wake up and bath and get dressed each day is all you can do
8. That healing from this experience relies hugely on staying away from this person in every single way possible, something I am not achieving because of my dogs, that cutting the energy is crucial too, no contact
9. That one must beware of any encounters and new relationships so soon after the exit of the experience, and for me it is only 3 months, after 13 years, because it is highly likely one can attract another individual who does abuse and that I have developed or did develop a tolerance for it is highly damaging for me and puts me at huge risk of tolerating even the tiniest situation that is abusive, even though I now see that abuse comes in a multitude of forms
oh I dunno, I can't write anymore.
Thanks for letting me write. It is late at night in cape town south africa and I am sitting with another experience of abuse that I had earlier, with a new person, and forcing myself to look at my part in it, not to self flagellate, but to take responsibility and learn. Bella has recommended I talk to the group and not only to her so here I am sharing and writing because it helps, as does the feedback.
Yes I understand now that my ex was and is a sociopath and that I have been exposed to an extreme personality disorder that has had a massive effect on me and that it will take me time to heal. I have seen how many of you write that as survivors we must believe that how broken we are IS NOT OUR FAULT, and that instead we have been damaged by individuals who have no conscience or empathy etc.
But I ask myself some questions and provide myself with some answers as I write:
1. Why did I not leave - why did I allow it to go on for 13 years - and yes, I know that his tactics and behaviour broke me down so solidly that I became immobile, and that my self esteem crumbled, and that my main objective was to achieve feeling worthy in his eyes, and perhaps I was just plain stupid.
2. I want to take responsibility for not leaving - I am an intelligent woman and I could have, did almost achieve it for 5 months then brought him back into my life, delaying my healing further and exposing myself further to his tactics, strategy and abuse - I CHOSE that. Already by that point I knew he was damaging for me, whatever we want to call him or name him as. I knew his affect on me, I saw the false promises and the empty apologies. But I stayed for a further two years. In the five months I stayed away from him I SAW myself grow and get stronger and laugh again, but as said, then I took him back. I was addicted to him and desperately wanted to feel that I had the power to get him back and receive some kind of false love. It took me two more years to see that love and abuse never ever sit together in reality.
3. In my case, and it might differ from some of you other guys, I do want to take some responsibility in all this, and I do want to admit that I craved some kind of recognition and love from him and sought it for 13 long years, no matter the ill effects of him on me and what it cost me. I do want to take that responsibility for not leaving and telling him to get fucked (excuse my language) a million years earlier, after the first time he beat me black and blue, not the 10th time. It is only now that I sit back and look back and reflect and see how he and the universe showed me repeated signs of what I was involved in and allowing myself to remain involved in, no matter that he weakened me. For me taking some responsibility removes me out of a victim stance - into a survivor stance - and shows me that actually I could have, but did not. I played a role in all of this.
4. A friend said to me the other day that a role I played was in being entirely manipulative with him and that whilst out of the relationship now, in the early days out, it was me who also used the dogs, my dogs, to access attention from him, something I craved and had learnt to crave during the relationship, even perhaps as a result of a strategy from him. But I would play it and try and play him as much as he played me. The only difference is I did not lift a hand or raise a fist, or use disgusting verbal abuse, or have affairs, or discard without any conscience or empathy.
5. She has made me ask myself whether being manipulative is part of a character defect of my own that I need to accept and deal with, also as part of my healing. I asked her if she found me manipulative as a girlfriend and her answer was that over the years and years she always believed my stories about his damage to me and and and, and never ever admitted if I caused damage to him too, or whether the stance I took as a victim with all my friends was authentic, and that actually they all started to feel that I was using this as a necessary measure to gain attention, even if what was going on at home behind closed doors was real. I have to look at that now - do I myself use some form of manipulation to gain access to care and love instead of believing in myself and finding that care and love inside myself, believing in myself, accessing my own form of self love.
I could say more but I can't write right now because its feeling all sore and confusing again, and I wish there were a formula or 5 steps to take for this to all end and the feelings to pass, and the pain to pass.
What I have learned from you guys is this:
1. These are people with a severe personality disorder who very dangerously have no empathy and conscience
2. That this makes them extremely damaging people, whether it can be debated that I should have left or not or should take responsibility
3. That these are extremely damaging people who literally rip away your self belief, esteem or life, until you are raw
4. That you lose perspective and can't judge that well afterwards, or your filters are way sensitive and not that strong
5. That knowing others have been through the same thing is essential, otherwise you feel like you are going mad and have just fucked up your life totally all on your own - when no, how fucked up it has become has also been as a result of a sociopathic monster
6. That you can heal but it is going to take time, and that in fact this exposure to a sociopath is very much like having a serious drug addiction, where you become to depend on the person to feel any self worth and crave of them intensely
7. That sometimes to just wake up and bath and get dressed each day is all you can do
8. That healing from this experience relies hugely on staying away from this person in every single way possible, something I am not achieving because of my dogs, that cutting the energy is crucial too, no contact
9. That one must beware of any encounters and new relationships so soon after the exit of the experience, and for me it is only 3 months, after 13 years, because it is highly likely one can attract another individual who does abuse and that I have developed or did develop a tolerance for it is highly damaging for me and puts me at huge risk of tolerating even the tiniest situation that is abusive, even though I now see that abuse comes in a multitude of forms
oh I dunno, I can't write anymore.
For me, I think I have a lot of co-dependent traits, which is exactly what these predators are looking for in their prey. By being a natural "care-taker", like you and I have been with our sisters and family members, we tend to want to take care of everyone. These narcs/sociopaths can spot that in us and use us as their "supply". They will purposely drain us of our strength and empathy. And since we are such givers, often we don't see what they're up to until we've been sucked into their webs of deceit and abuse. It's what THEY do to us. You didn't ask to be preyed upon and used. You did NOT want to be hurt and abused. Don't blame yourself for that.
Because of the way these abusers slowly pull us into their control, we don't see it coming.... we don't even realize what's happening. It's that "frog in the hot water" scenario. If you put a frog in a kettle of boiling water, he will hop out. But if the temperature in that water is very slowly turned up from cold to boiling, the frog doesn't realize it. The water will undoubtedly slowly start to boil, which will result in the death of the frog. It's a metaphor often used in how a narc/sociopath can control their victims. It's a slow process of brain washing and manipulation.
These narc/socs know exactly what they're doing. They use any means of control they can find, whether it's us having self esteem issues (like I have), or self confidence problems (like I have), or caring too much for their loved ones, these monsters use it to THEIR benefit. Please don't beat yourself up for being human, for having flaws because we all have them. That's normal, but it is NOT normal to use people's flaws to take advantage of them.
Pendra, you and I have been in relationships with our narcs/socs for many years. It's going to take time to heal... a lot of time. Be patient with yourself. Focus on you and not getting into another relationship. Once you've had a chance to really recover from all the years of abuse, you'll be so much stronger which will enable you to perhaps move on to another relationship. And now, you know what to look for, how to recognize these monsters. Stay strong! Best of luck to you! Big hugs!
im really proud of you. you are starting the process of healing that you did not want to do before. i commend you and give you a big hug sweety, your on your way. your a smart women i can tell that and your going to find a newer even better pendra when this is over. im sorry you hurt i know it is so awful i will never forget its why i do what i do because ill never forget that pain and i wish i could take yours away but i cant . this is something you have to do for you but just know your doing it. hurts like all hell but your not alone girl we are here for you.