A question for those of you who have faced a relationship with a sociopath and experienced all its typical characteristics, and some advice please........

I have finally left the relationship and know well that the most advisable thing to do is to cut all contact on every single level, especially to heal and move forward and re-wire your brain.

In my case, whilst I try to get back on my feet after leaving the relationship without a job or money, also after 10 months of cancer, my beloved west highland terrier dogs (which I officially own) remain on my ex partners property and so my ongoing need for contact with them requires that I have contact with him. I try to keep this as neutral as possible and have almost taken the stance of playing as being as compliant as possible so that no conflict arises.

On ending the relationship we agreed to sign a legal closure agreement outlining certain things but most importantly our handling of the dogs going forward. He is as devoted to the dogs as I am and in fact very good to them. I certainly know they are in good hands with him whilst they are with him. The night before we left we went through the draft legal agreement, he made a few changes and then he and I signed it. It included information that I am the primary and official owner of the dogs, that they will live on my property as their primary residence, but that he can see them on a casual basis for walks, overnight stays or even extended periods of time. I know this would have meant that I continued contact with him ongoing anyway but I could not see a way past that and he certainly would not allow any alternative.

I then moved onto a property and in with a friend where they came to that house as their primary residence and things went well for a while, and then turned into a disaster with me and my housemate and I had to leave. Now I am in flux and essentially moving around with bags until I find a job and a home and the dogs have returned to my ex partners house with me now in a position where I am requesting to see them.

Two things, he has now said that no agreement was signed and he has no idea what I am talking about, and refuses to give me a copy of what we signed, which he took away as soon as he signed it - it was one of his most classic acts of manipulation which right at the end after 13 years I fell for hook line and sinker again - its simply unbelievable. Secondly he now claims the dogs as his and now uses them as a control mechanism with me, as to when he will or will not allow me to see them, and for how long, if at all. This results in ongoing contact being conflictual or has me begging for access to them, something of course he loves. Why do these people have a need to continue their control measures when the relationship is finished and they ended it and use the dogs as a tool.

For me I planned to leave the dogs with him and just be patient and do my best to skirt his ongoing manipulation, control and abuse and play him as much as I can by no arising to any conflict and almost accepting that he will dictate the terms on which I will see my dogs. Instead of being neutral and civil I find any contact with him around them entirely unpredictable, abusive ongoing, highly demeaning and extremely dictatorial and controlling as if he is now undoubtedly the master of the game and I will play by his rules. He is nice one minute and accommodating and the next rude, abusive and completely degrading, and he often refuses for me to see the dogs, or tells me not to contact him again, or to bring the police and a court order to the party. I leave every single call feeling sick and sometimes in tears and this is whilst I try to heal from not only the disgusting toxic relationship but my cancer too, not to mention face the struggle of getting back on my feet and picking up the pieces of my life.

Today is a perfect example of a day where his darker side is in action, he has refused to let me see the dogs, ignored my contact, abused me verbally, then said he is bringing them round, then told me to go and fuck myself I will never see them again, and didn't bring them, and more.

This has led me to see that I cannot actually continue this with him for months whilst I try to get back on my feet and then go and claim my dogs. I am also quite sure it is his intention to ensure I never get them back. For me he has damaged my life so entirely that I will not under any circumstances allow his final act to be that he claims and takes ownership of my beloved dogs, the last thing I have and adore - having lost my entire family over a three year period a year ago.

So I have begun to think I need to get the dogs away from him urgently, and cut off all contact, even to the point of putting a restraining order against him, no custody arrangements. Get him out of my life entirely, because every small act of diminishment and abuse is injurious to me and just cannot continue - you all know how hectic it is and how damaging, especially once one has SEEN what you are dealing with and how these people cannot be reasoned with and are a law unto themselves. What I mean is that once I next have them in my company for an overnight stay, when he agrees, I lock the door to him, and never return them to him, and in the meantime look urgently for a temporary foster home that will take them whilst I get back on my feet. That better than any ongoing contact with him whatsoever. The level of power he seems to assume he wields over me now seems ever greater than he ever did before and the level of disdain he treats me with horrendous. I am out, but its worse than it was when I was in.

What is out of the question is that I turn my back on the dogs and leave them with him - I will not consider that in any way. I will turn my back on him and the relationship from him and am determined to heal from it rather than leave myself scarred from it, but I will not give up my beloved animals, not under any circumstances whatsoever.

Suggestions please????