SURVIVORS OF SOCIOPATHS Community Group
A group where we support one another and share our experiences with each other about narcissistic relationships. a place to heal if you have been "touched" by a sociopath. there is hope. share your experience strength and hope here with others who have been where you are. together we help each other heal...
I have been extremely depressed lately.
I feel that in my codependency I have driven everyone away. I barely have any friends left. I feel that because of my codependency I gravitate toward the wrong people constantly...I form attachments to them, I go completely out of my way for them and I give them everything I have...I also confide in them all the time...trusting them with all of my emotions, elements of my personal life, etc.
What ends up happening is that I take and take and take their bad behavior and attitude against me until one day I retaliate. I get upset at them, I finally voice my opinion. And they usually come back at me telling me that I'm crazy, using every personal aspect of my life that I have shared with them against me. And then they are gone and I feel as though I have lost everything.
I have experienced this many many many times and I always thought EVERYONE ELSE was wrong. I just thought everyone was so fucked up.
It is true that I have gravitated toward the wrong people. I am well educated, come from a good family, have gone to two top universities and am a hard worker. My sister pointed out to me the other day that many of the friends I have had in the past were bad news. People who were promiscuous, loved to drink, do drugs. I am DEFINITELY not a saint by any means. I have had casual sex with people, I have done a variety of drugs, etc. I am not sure why I was always attracted to these things.....but repelled by them at the same time. i always felt like I got attached to people who I knew I subconsciously could not rely on...but I gave them my heart and soul anyway...and then realized that they were drug addicts or that they were bitches to begin with and treated people badly or would do things like sleep with their boyfriends best friend or would talk negatively about people. (Not that I have anything against drug addicts. I dont have a stereotype against them at all but the particular alcoholics and addicts I have encountered in my life always seemed to mistreat me and those around them...like I said before, I am not a saint. I have tried many things and have abused alcohol in the past, etc).
I am not sure what is right and what is wrong anymore. I find that if I am in an argument, I need someone to talk to immediately following or before or during the argument...to help me distinguish right from wrong. I no longer know if my feelings are real. I no longer know if I am right or if the person I fight with is right. I don't know if I am overreacting or being hypersensitive or showing characteristics of borderline personality disorder.....or if I am finally voicing my opinion against people who have mistreated me for a long time. I dont know who I fucking am anymore. And its such a lonely, terrible place to be in. I no longer feel comfortable being myself...voicing my opinions. I live in fear of myself every day. Worried that I will fuck up another friendship, worried that I will lose everyone, worried that I will keep letting people in my life who aren't good for me. I dont remember when simple things like maintaining friendships felt so hard. All of these things that made me so happy are now...impossible to do and impossible to enjoy.
I think I have started feeling worse and worse and worse about myself since it was brought to my attention that I am codependent and may have characteristics of someone who is obsessive and/or borderline.
It was brought to my attention after a TERRIBLE breakup...after the man I thought I would marry broke my heart. And again through my therapist.
I find that every day I sink deeper and deeper into a depression, despite trying to change and trying to treat others better. How does one accept responsibility for all of the suffering they have endured and caused to others throughout their entire life? How does one forgive themselves? Every day I am submerged by memories of friendships lost, all of the petty stupid arguments I had that lead to friendships ending, all of the ways my heart was broken because of the ways that I BEHAVED.
I felt so much happier when I felt like I was "normal". When I felt like...I could cast responsibility on the rest of the world. When I felt like I could point a finger at everyone else, and feel like I owned the right to an opinion....the right to my sanity. I no longer possess both and I feel so lost and out of control and unable to see a light at the end of the tunnel. My head is always spinning. I constantly feel heartbreak and guilt for all of those that I hurt and locked out of my life and wish I could go back to. I feel sick thinking about how many people have accused me of being crazy and how many people will in my future.
How do I pull myself out of this depression? How do I feel less alone?
I have become so used to relying on the acceptance and company of others that when I am alone...I feel disgust. Disgust at myself. Nothingness, emptiness, a lack of hopefulness. What do I do? Where do I go from here?
I feel that in my codependency I have driven everyone away. I barely have any friends left. I feel that because of my codependency I gravitate toward the wrong people constantly...I form attachments to them, I go completely out of my way for them and I give them everything I have...I also confide in them all the time...trusting them with all of my emotions, elements of my personal life, etc.
What ends up happening is that I take and take and take their bad behavior and attitude against me until one day I retaliate. I get upset at them, I finally voice my opinion. And they usually come back at me telling me that I'm crazy, using every personal aspect of my life that I have shared with them against me. And then they are gone and I feel as though I have lost everything.
I have experienced this many many many times and I always thought EVERYONE ELSE was wrong. I just thought everyone was so fucked up.
It is true that I have gravitated toward the wrong people. I am well educated, come from a good family, have gone to two top universities and am a hard worker. My sister pointed out to me the other day that many of the friends I have had in the past were bad news. People who were promiscuous, loved to drink, do drugs. I am DEFINITELY not a saint by any means. I have had casual sex with people, I have done a variety of drugs, etc. I am not sure why I was always attracted to these things.....but repelled by them at the same time. i always felt like I got attached to people who I knew I subconsciously could not rely on...but I gave them my heart and soul anyway...and then realized that they were drug addicts or that they were bitches to begin with and treated people badly or would do things like sleep with their boyfriends best friend or would talk negatively about people. (Not that I have anything against drug addicts. I dont have a stereotype against them at all but the particular alcoholics and addicts I have encountered in my life always seemed to mistreat me and those around them...like I said before, I am not a saint. I have tried many things and have abused alcohol in the past, etc).
I am not sure what is right and what is wrong anymore. I find that if I am in an argument, I need someone to talk to immediately following or before or during the argument...to help me distinguish right from wrong. I no longer know if my feelings are real. I no longer know if I am right or if the person I fight with is right. I don't know if I am overreacting or being hypersensitive or showing characteristics of borderline personality disorder.....or if I am finally voicing my opinion against people who have mistreated me for a long time. I dont know who I fucking am anymore. And its such a lonely, terrible place to be in. I no longer feel comfortable being myself...voicing my opinions. I live in fear of myself every day. Worried that I will fuck up another friendship, worried that I will lose everyone, worried that I will keep letting people in my life who aren't good for me. I dont remember when simple things like maintaining friendships felt so hard. All of these things that made me so happy are now...impossible to do and impossible to enjoy.
I think I have started feeling worse and worse and worse about myself since it was brought to my attention that I am codependent and may have characteristics of someone who is obsessive and/or borderline.
It was brought to my attention after a TERRIBLE breakup...after the man I thought I would marry broke my heart. And again through my therapist.
I find that every day I sink deeper and deeper into a depression, despite trying to change and trying to treat others better. How does one accept responsibility for all of the suffering they have endured and caused to others throughout their entire life? How does one forgive themselves? Every day I am submerged by memories of friendships lost, all of the petty stupid arguments I had that lead to friendships ending, all of the ways my heart was broken because of the ways that I BEHAVED.
I felt so much happier when I felt like I was "normal". When I felt like...I could cast responsibility on the rest of the world. When I felt like I could point a finger at everyone else, and feel like I owned the right to an opinion....the right to my sanity. I no longer possess both and I feel so lost and out of control and unable to see a light at the end of the tunnel. My head is always spinning. I constantly feel heartbreak and guilt for all of those that I hurt and locked out of my life and wish I could go back to. I feel sick thinking about how many people have accused me of being crazy and how many people will in my future.
How do I pull myself out of this depression? How do I feel less alone?
I have become so used to relying on the acceptance and company of others that when I am alone...I feel disgust. Disgust at myself. Nothingness, emptiness, a lack of hopefulness. What do I do? Where do I go from here?
It is a good thing to remember that it is not about not giving, it is about giving to the right person and remaining whole and satisfied. Not all people are worthy of your trust, love, time and support. It is our job to choose them carefully and give them just about enough to feel good with themselves and make ourselvs feel good.