I was in a 2 year relationship with a confirmed sociopath. It ended abruptly about a week before we were supposed to move to a new city together. Because of the impending move (for his career), I had already quit my job and our house had new renters scheduled. Basically, he left me heartbroken, unemployed, and homeless with a text message. It was devastating and so confusing. I didn't understand until I had gained some distance and perspective what kind of relationship I was in. It took me almost a year to admit that I was in a psychologically abusive relationship, and now I'm almost 2 years out and I still haven't learned to forgive myself. I'm a victim. He had cheated on me, gaslighted me, blamed me, isolated me, and programmed me by emotional highs mixed with withdrawls of affection. I've been in therapy for awhile trying to learn to love myself again, as well as deal with the severe anxiety I have developed since. Most days I feel like I can't breathe. I have been fortunate enough to meet a wonderful man who is everything my ex wasn't. He's empathetic, and patient, and genuine. And I feel like I don't deserve him. He knows a bit about my ex but I don't know how to explain the way I feel sometimes.

Most days I'm good. But I live with this feeling that I need to earn my happiness. Anything less than the best, I punish myself. If I don't go to the gym for a few days, I convince myself that my boyfriend will leave me because I'm "letting myself go" (his words). If I leave my dishes in the sink, then I'm a mess. If I lash out at my boyfriend after a bad day, then I'm "emotionally unstable" (his words that have haunted me) and therefore don't deserve his love. This is the start of what my therapist calls my "shame spiral". Because, despite my emotional reaction, my rational brain is telling me this is silly. So then I start to feel crazy, and I start to feel shame for feeling this way. And then I start to feel anger and embarrassment because obviously I'm weak if I'm still programmed to punish myself for missteps. And then the self loathing starts. It's horrible and exhausting. 

Those "spirals" are coming less frequently and with less intensity, but I miss the days when I let myself be happy. I don't want to punish myself anymore. I don't want to put my boyfriend through this. It helps that the past two years have been full of adventures and traveling and moving to a new city for a new job and meeting wonderful people. But it doesn't undo the past.

I've read books (including Psychopath Free, which is amazing and I can't wait for his next book), I've joined forums, I have therapy weekly, but I still can't shake it.