SURVIVORS OF SOCIOPATHS Community Group
A group where we support one another and share our experiences with each other about narcissistic relationships. a place to heal if you have been "touched" by a sociopath. there is hope. share your experience strength and hope here with others who have been where you are. together we help each other heal...
I haven't been on line for some time, have not been able to talk about it all, but tonight I need to. I can see that I am literally falling apart and experience the effect of this person on me. Those who have followed my posts know that my ex partner, the pig, has my dogs, my beloved creatures. And it is an injustice, it is just criminal - as if he has not taken enough of me in 13 years, now he takes my creatures or has them in his ownership when they belong to me, their papers are in my name and they are my only family left, the animals whose energy saw me through 12 months of cancer whilst I sat alone day after day. Now he will not only not let me see them, but he has stopped all contact with me entirely and I can see how this is affecting me - as someone else once said, its like an addiction - as long as the contact or the drama with them continues, you continue to feel alive in some way as they originally made you feel, or worthwhile.
Of course I have to consider my effect on him, not only his on me, but he appears to have more discipline or has made a choice to just cut me out. Literally. To the point where he told a mutual friend he will never ever have anything to do with me again. Clever on him, the fucking cunt abuser, excuse my french, but the same guy who has damaged my life in so many ways, who misrepresented himself, who abused me, who I stupidly and ridiculously loved (and love and abuse cannot sit together so it is not love), who I gave 13 years of my life to, who got all of me, who now has my dogs.
I ask myself as I sit deeply unhappy and with nothing, in a room in a boarding house where I sit day after day on my own - how much longer is this guy going to have an affect on your life Pendra, and yet I see that he continues to as long as he has my dogs, because one thing is for sure, I will absolutely totally not give them up, he will not take them from me. And yet I cannot find that fierce strong Pendra who used to exist who will stand up like Athena with her sword and ACT - either through the family court or by accessing a foster home for the dogs so I no longer need to be at his whim and control, so I can actually get him totally out of my life - and yes, I am ready to - it has taken me some time to get here, but I am ready to. His continuing access to my dogs is continuing to destroy me and make me feel like I am worth nothing, like my needs are worth nothing, like I dont exist - and so I continue to be exposed to abuse even though the relationship is over, and continue to feel powerless. I literally cannot stand it anymore and yet cannot find the strength and courage to stand up and act.
He is still killing me, but this time it is worse because his effect is through silence and complete disregard of me and my feelings, complete dismissiveness, and yet whilst holding onto the creatures that are my reason for living. I have found myself texting him and begging and begging and begging him to let me see them, and he does not even reply. The effect of this is life damaging and I am concerned about myself - I dont know what to do. I dont yet have a home to bring them to, could only see them once a week, have the option of putting them into foster care but am scared and intimidated by him, but whatever I do, I can't go on like this - his ongoing affect on my life is too dangerous and damaging. Help
Of course I have to consider my effect on him, not only his on me, but he appears to have more discipline or has made a choice to just cut me out. Literally. To the point where he told a mutual friend he will never ever have anything to do with me again. Clever on him, the fucking cunt abuser, excuse my french, but the same guy who has damaged my life in so many ways, who misrepresented himself, who abused me, who I stupidly and ridiculously loved (and love and abuse cannot sit together so it is not love), who I gave 13 years of my life to, who got all of me, who now has my dogs.
I ask myself as I sit deeply unhappy and with nothing, in a room in a boarding house where I sit day after day on my own - how much longer is this guy going to have an affect on your life Pendra, and yet I see that he continues to as long as he has my dogs, because one thing is for sure, I will absolutely totally not give them up, he will not take them from me. And yet I cannot find that fierce strong Pendra who used to exist who will stand up like Athena with her sword and ACT - either through the family court or by accessing a foster home for the dogs so I no longer need to be at his whim and control, so I can actually get him totally out of my life - and yes, I am ready to - it has taken me some time to get here, but I am ready to. His continuing access to my dogs is continuing to destroy me and make me feel like I am worth nothing, like my needs are worth nothing, like I dont exist - and so I continue to be exposed to abuse even though the relationship is over, and continue to feel powerless. I literally cannot stand it anymore and yet cannot find the strength and courage to stand up and act.
He is still killing me, but this time it is worse because his effect is through silence and complete disregard of me and my feelings, complete dismissiveness, and yet whilst holding onto the creatures that are my reason for living. I have found myself texting him and begging and begging and begging him to let me see them, and he does not even reply. The effect of this is life damaging and I am concerned about myself - I dont know what to do. I dont yet have a home to bring them to, could only see them once a week, have the option of putting them into foster care but am scared and intimidated by him, but whatever I do, I can't go on like this - his ongoing affect on my life is too dangerous and damaging. Help
The key now is keeping those realities out of my present and future. I am doing everything possible to keep the pain and disappointments behind me, and I know better than anyone how difficult that is to do. But I believe it is only when we wrap up all those disappointments and hurts, and not dwell on them, that the present and future have hints of hope and joy. It takes a LOT of effort and hard work to do that. To NOT dwell on the past.
As hard as it may seem to do, I hope you can look to the future and try making new goals for your life. I don't say that lightly. I'm in a position at this time where I'm having to start all over with my life, and I'm in my late 50's. It will not be easy, but I choose to put my FOCUS on the fact that my abuser is out of my life. He has been like a cancer poisoning my life with his toxic abuse. And that poison is now gone.
It sounds as though your abuser and his silent treatment is out of your life at this time. Perhaps that is a blessing. Regarding your dogs, if you want to regain ownership and possession of them again, you know that reality and what you need to do, which is getting on your feet and being able to provide a home for them, as well as obtaining legal counsel to take your ex to court to get them back. It is possible to do so, but you must take things one step at a time to get to that point. That is the reality of the situation, according to what you have shared with us and my understanding of your story. It is not an impossible thing, but it will take time. I hope you can accept that and use that acceptance as a means to become determined and take the necessary steps to regain ownership of your dogs. I pray you can get them back.
The one thing I hope you can see from the current scenario is that your dogs are being well taken care of by your ex. I remember you once saying that he appears to think the world of the dogs. Although, I do NOT think for one second he deserves them, and he has absolutely NO right to keep you from them. I'm very angry for you regarding that.
Many times I catch myself saying the Serenity Prayer to help me stay strong. You probably already know of it, but I will add it to my post for you. Pendra, I wish you the best of luck and I'm sending you BIG hugs.
SERENITY PRAYER:
Give us the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things we can, and Wisdom to know the difference.
I have read your reply and respect it and hear it. I have also today broken down again and chatted a friend about my situation and she replayed to me that whilst I keep talking about the criminality of my dogs being owned by him and me having no access, that actually its my ongoing obsession with him that is the reality and that is being played through my dogs, and that my recent complete break down relates to his total cut off of me and the related feeling of rejection. If I am honest she is right. Of course I want my dogs but that I now feel the absolute discard that comes with a sociopath, I am totally broken. Before there was contact on and off and I suppose I fed off that. Now he has stopped all contact and I feel completely worthless, so I suppose I am facing the next stage, a stage that is closer to recovery, but that comes at a cost. I can't find a future right now, or hope or faith, I am utterly lost and perhaps that is part of the journey, the story. I feel completely broken and rejected.
And, my thought to add to that, we will not heal while dwelling on the past but focusing on our future. I know how difficult it is to let go of the past. To let go of unfulfilled dreams and try creating a new life. But it's so much more difficult if we're hanging onto the past. We cannot heal and grow until we put our past hurts behind us.
I hope you're able to do that, Pendra. Until you accept you cannot change your ex, you cannot change what has already happened, and until you put it behind you, I fear you will not be able to move out of the stagnant waters you're dwelling in. I'm rooting for you to be able to rise up out of the toxic pain you've been enduring and to move forward to brighter days. Hugs