SURVIVORS OF SOCIOPATHS Community Group

A group where we support one another and share our experiences with each other about narcissistic relationships. a place to heal if you have been "touched" by a sociopath. there is hope. share your experience strength and hope here with others who have been where you are. together we help each other heal...

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bad day

heyvee
heyvee
As many of you can tell from my previous posts it hasn't been a good day for me. I am experiencing w lot of guilt, remembering the times I was passive aggressive with my ex and ignored his texts whenever we argued. Or how I was so attached that I would get upset if he chose to clean his apartment for three hours instead of sending a simple reply to my text. Im basically living in fear of myself. It scares me that I was so in love with him and vowed never to hurt him and yet I would ignore him or give him the cold shoulder if he didn't feel like cuddling or would jump out of bed in the morning without holding me. I took these things so personally...i feel like I suffocated him. Like he couldn't breathe..and felt like no matter what he did I would fond a problem with it. I keep going back to these moments because I doubt my sanity sometimes. I really do. I know that its easy to say narcs and psychopaths make you feel crazy but...i try to put myself in his shoes. What if I woke up to an upset partner every time I didn't hold her or offer her coffee in the morning? Or if I didn't feel like cuddling?
he must have felt suffocated. And sick of my passive aggressive not texting him.
I honestly just really hate myself today........i am upset with myself and I can't learn forgiveness....
I know he didn't bring me closure, that he was a flawed person, but I knew he was flawed from the beginning and I stayed and I fell in love anyway. The fact that he was flawed is something I knew in the beginning...
yes he left without closure because he felt I was crazy and knew he couldn't rationalize with an unstable person whose mood was constantly shifting so he chose to attribute that to my behaviors throughout the relationship and then left. It was just easier for him to leave than to spend more energy on someone he didn't love anymore......

I don't think I acted entirely normal throughout our relationship and I don't know how to come to terms with that anymore. Its not like he took a shit on me and I did nothing to deserve it. I do think in argued with him and acted out.
I would like to think, oh I should have had a partner who wanted to cuddle constantly and smother me with affection constantly and who could lay in bed with me and hold me in the morning and offer me coffee....but no one is perfect. And otherwise....i did enjoy our moments together. Was I just too hard on him?
I remember he asked me why I acted that way and if I did it because I thought that if he didn't make those small gestures that he loved me less or didn't like me anymore. He said its not true and I need to stop thinking that way. But I never stopped. Not getting a text from him or feeling his arms around me or him holding my hand when we walked down the street made me want to shrivel up and run away...

I don't know. I'm falling apart.
I'm haunted by my actions and memories
heyvee
heyvee
Ps- I have read that people with borderline personality disorder are overly sensitive and somewhat bipolar.....and just haunted by their own emotions
bavarianangel
bavarianangel
Heyvee,

I would like to make a suggestion: how about seeing a counselor or therapist?
This surely would lay your concerns to rest and also would help you to heal.

Check this out: http://m.groups.psychologytoday.com/

Watcha think?
heyvee
heyvee
I have tried seeing a therapist....but we didn't get very far. I don't have the money to now, so this support group is my therapy for the time being
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm with Bav the right Therapist can really help here. Don't forget when you are gaslighted by these people you behave in ways and become someone you never thought possible, it's quite frightening. Sounds to me like you were trying to protect yourself, fight or flight perhaps.
I do believe that N/S/P's have no emotions so I doubt he was hurt by your actions just using this against you because he could it's all part of the control game.
heyvee
heyvee
God I am so sad.......I honestlynfeel like this pain will never go away. I'll always see his beautiful face in my head, I'll always feel guilt and believe that I'm crazy, I'll always feel pain.......
There were so many red flags from his end but I had mine too. I just feel like I acted like a fool. Every day I'm bouncing back and forth between guilt and anger. I hate who ive become because of this. I wonder sometimes if I had a love I could have held onto despite it's dysfunctionality, despite how imperfect he was and how rashly he always acted.....
I was happy with him when I felt love or love bombing....I wish it stayed that way forever
deleted_user
deleted_user
heyvee, when you are abused, it changes you. Maybe not totally all the way to where you are different with other people. But you are not your true self with that person. Please keep this in mind. Do not blame yourself. Just know he brought out something in you that you didn't like. And wanting affection and intimacy is never wrong. If your gut was telling you something was off, if you were feeling scared and sad, it was your intuition telling you something wasn't right there. I often felt how you did and was often neglected, ignored, and starving for affection and attention b/c he was too busy working all the time (working on his other victims).
Group Founderbellanomore
bellanomore
kate is right hevvee, there is a reason you reacted the way you did. something inside you was telling you instinctively that something was not right. there is a reason you felt the things you were feeling, and can i ask you this,,,, do you still think he was a s,p, or n? how did you end up on this site? coming up with the word sociopath just doesnt happen for no reason. something was very wrong in your relationship for you to end up here. you are doing what people do who have been abused emotionally or physically, you are placing all blame on you, thinking there is fault in wanting attention, or to be loved or held. you deserve all those things. this is a very normal reaction to what you have experienced. and no he doesnt feel bad about anything because he doesnt feel emotions like that. just like the incident with his son in the next room. he did what he wanted without giving a second thought to that little boy. it was about him and what he wanted. nothing else matters to them only what they want and they have learned a long time ago what to "SAY" to get what ever they want when they want it. will you love again? yes. will you get over him ? yes. you probably will never forget this but thats because he caused so much pain to you . dont beat on yourself like this, give it more time hun it will fall into place when the time comes. and it will come.
heyvee
heyvee
I shared my story and all of the things he did to me a few months after our breakup. Our breakup was in January and I battled getting over it alone. My family and friends just told me that it was a few months and that it was ridiculous I even gave the relationship a second thought or let me affect me so much. So I threw myself into therapy, with a therapist who wouldn't let me talk about the relationship and mocked me whenever I did...so I had to push my thoughts and emotions away.
Then I started waking up with severe panic attacks. There was a panic attack moment when my family was gone and out of town and I literally couldn't breathe to the point where I thought I would have to go to the hospital.
I have never felt so alone...and so I decided to look into support groups. I found this site, a few months after the breakup and a few months after seeing him again (during which he used me with his son in the next room) and shared my story and everything about him.
A bit later someone messaged me telling me that they could relate to my story and they asked if I have ever looked into narcissistic abuse syndrome or psychopaths.
I knew nothing about either....and I spent maybe three entire days looking into it.
I felt that I could relate to some of the information, but was of course still feeling guilt and responsibility for all that happened (and still do)
Either way....it went from me just pushing on my own to try to get over things, no one wanting to hear my trauma, my therapist basically telling me I am a fool for giving the relationship another thought and me constantly having panic and anxiety attacks to me understanding that I have some kind of ptsd from my relationship and that it wasn't a "normal" relationship I experienced..it had to be abusive in some sort of way.

I hope that answers your question bella. I'm still working out what happened to me, especially now and how much it has had an effect on my current life......especially dating. I can't date..at all.
I just think about it as a food aversion....
Comparing everyone to him in his love bombing phase. Not having a strong connection with anyone.
I have been on many dates (rebound dates, basically) where I came home and cried on the kitchen floor after the date because all I could think of was him.
And now....I just dont see anyone who compares, who impresses me, who connects to me. And if they do...I run far far away.
Its been rough.
Group Founderbellanomore
bellanomore
i know its rough hun and im glad you found us. i know it is so hard to get over these kind of relationships. i went to a therapist once who fell asleep while i was talking omg i thought ,,,oh sorry bitch am i boring you? i never went back. it takes one who really specializes in personality disorders to get it. other wise its just like those who tell us to get over it. i think you may have some PTSD too. just try really hard to not blame yourself something caused you to react to him this way. and i dont believe it was just you being too needy. i think your instincts were trying to tell you something. dont even try to date right now its probably just not time yet hun. hang in there give it more time and read about anything you have concerns about youll know if they really apply to you or not. i hear nothing in your posts that sounds like borderline behavior at all. or any other disfunction . i really think this is the effect of emotional abuse. just keep learning and sharing and see how you feel in about 6 more months. i know it sounds like forever but time will show you the truth. here for you girl
heyvee
heyvee
Thank you Bella. Wow I can't believe your therapist fell asleep. I hope you yeller at their ass!
yeah I'd like to think that maybe my instincts were shouting out to me but I was too codependent to listen to them?
I'm still worried about my oversensitivity and mood swings and worry if its a pattern or some sign of bipolar or personality disorder?
I just know that I want to be the best version of myself and healthy again...
I talked to my mom today who is in the hospital. Its weird how bad events brings people closer together
today I probably talked to her today more than I have in years when I went to visit her. And we spoke about my ex and she agreed that he said a lot of things that really impressed her and my dad but that he seemed really troubled.
I told her how he pushed me off him when I tried to cuddle him in the middle of the night and shouted at me that he had a four year old that wakes him up all the time and didn't want me bothering him to always cuddle when he was trying to sleep
and how he didn't enjoy having sex with someone if it hurt them (that one time he stopped having sex with me and got up and just started getting dressed and said that to me)
my mom said she would have just stood up and broke up with him right then and there.
sometimes I wish I had her strength!
Group Founderbellanomore
bellanomore
i think you have her strength in you and remember its allways easy to tell someone what they should compared to being the one who does it...