oops i forgot this the news broad cast

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I think of your accident and what you've been through often. Perhaps not remembering what happened exactly is the best for you....I know it must be one of the hardest things....to not remember, but perhaps its your bodys way of protecting you....
We all think of the "what if"s, and "why me", or "why them and not me", what could I have done different"? Those questions run through my mind as well. I try to tell myself, that those questions don't matter, as they'll never be answered for us anyway.....
There is a reason why you are still here. Try to concentrate on the fact that there was NOTHING you could have done differently.......We're in this battle together, as we've both been through the same type of ordeal. I know what I'm telling you is easier said than done.....but eventually it does get a little easier......

I can relate to all that you have said. Me and my 3 children were in a Nissan Altima (brand new of course, they don't hit the crap cars) and were on a 2 lane road with a speed limit of 50mph. This is a road in Indiana and usually on the side are fields and land. There are only 2 places along side the road that have guard rails and you can probably count to 10 and they are gone.

A man who fell asleep at the wheel of his van hit us head on. I saw him coming, my kids saw him coming. There was no where to go. I couldn't slam it in reverse cos' of the cars behind me. I couldn't swerve around him in his lane because of the cars behind him. All I could do was grind up against that guard rail and ensure he hit me, my side so they would be okay.

He was not wearing a seat belt. He ended up hanging out of his door. Foot propped up on the floor board, body on the ground. He was concious for a moment then died. We were not okay. The kids are fine now but I am not. I try to understand why he "got" to die and wasn't left on this earth to see what he had done to my once perfect family. I want him to know the struggles, the over 50 surgeries, the months and hours of therapy, the loss of love that I have gone through. The self conciousness of my scars. People say I should wear them like badges of honor but thats because they know me. I am however grateful that my face was left unscathed. That helps. But here I am, over 7 yrs later still not walking.

I only remember bits.. Very small tiny bits of the wreck and the moments after when I was being cut out of the car and then I went into coma for 2 months. Coma is a catch 22. Sure, I missed out on a great deal of pain which is good. Surgery after surgery with something getting removed each time. Shut down of my organs, lungs, kidneys, etc, dying 3 times, Legs and left arm in cages with rods drilled into the bones and so on. I am glad I didn't have to expieriance it first hand but the dreams, the god awful dreams you have while in a coma still haunt me every day. I can't totally explain except to say it is like a movie projector that never stops, ever. It will slow or incorporate someone in your dream if they're talking to you (yes you can hear while comatose, and feel) but they never stop.

I am trying to write a book about the whole thing. I titled it Tragedy with a Smile. I just need to work on it but it is hard to revisit some things.

Anyway, I rambled on enough. Have a good day everyone

What you went through was an extremely horrific experience however it was an experience that you had NO control over. That's the concept behind a tragedy...we had no control. So going over the what if's will solve nothing except to torment you further.

Honestly, sounds to me as though you blame yourself because you feel you took another persons life. You did NOT take their life. It was setup that way by whatever force beyond our control that you believe in. You merely had possession of the vehicle, but there was nothing that you could've done to change the out come.

Believe me my friend you have it better than they do. Cold hard facts: they're dead, you're not. Sorry for being that blunt but you have to see it like that. You lived they didn't.

The human species is an amazingly curious creature. We're the only creature on the face of the planet that continues to punish ourselves for things we have done. We even accept responsibility for things when they are in reality out of our control.

Forgive yourself. You are the one that is torturing you. You are the one keep yourself in hell. I'm not saying anything bad about that, its' s perfectly normal response and i"m sure we've all done it, however it's important to realize that you are keeping yourself at this point in your life. That day no longer controls you. It's over. It's footprints will always be there, however you have say so in how much of an impact those footprints make.

You survived for a reason. And that reason was NOT to punish yourself for the rest of your life. Set yourself free. Forgive yourself for you did nothing wrong. The path to healing starts with forgiveness.

One more thing. I dont' remember much of my experience either. The doc's say the reason for that is because "survival hormones" kick in when faced with a near death experience. They make the memory fuzzy in order to protect the body.

Just be thankful that you don't have any more images to haunt you. I fully understand that it is a little unsettling to have time missing from your life, but believe me that time is better lost forever. Why add such horrible memories? Somethings are just better left unknown.

i have been told by many that there is a resone that i am alive the only thuoght i have is
i was 2 yrs behind in paying my taxes and the IRS wont let yuo go untill they get there $$
DAMN IRS ( my gigle ) and now i suffer with the memories or lack of this time of yr has allways been hard on me its now harder as i think abuot the the 2 others that didnt surive and there familys and what it must be like for them i feel death wuold have been easyer and still think so but i cant there ar to many poeple that jumped in and caried me and kick my ass a few times to keep going strong but i have lost that strenght
some who have known me for yrs say i am now a differt persone i am not the same as i was

Punkinnk,

Man, you can what if till the day you die. What if's can do nothing to the past and normally come from the guilt within. If I were you, I would do my best to stop what-iffing and concentrate on the things you can change: you. Trust me, I know how easy this is to say and how hard it is to do.

My trauma experience was a head-on where some guy crossed the center line due to the fact he was asleep. He came over the ridge of a hill in our lane and came straight at us. I was a passenger, my best friend, my blood brother was at the wheel. The passenger side of the car was crushed and I was pinned in the vehicle for an hour and a half.

My buddy started in with the "what if's" to me as soon as we were able to be reunited again about a month later and I told him to shut the hell up! I didn't want to hear him guilt himself into responsibility he did not own.

My second accident which I walked away from was a fatal drunk driving accident. I wasn't drunk and last time I checked, I'm not dead yet. It happened two and a half years after my first. I was on my way home from the night shift after memorial day 1985. Now I was doing a pretty good clip as I approached the intersection where this guy ran a stop sign, he was doing about 55, I was doing 50, my speed limit was 45, his 35. He utterly ignored the stop sign and went through at speed. I could have what iffed a whole bumch about that one too. Think about it... a matter of a second and a half to two seconds was the difference between collision and a near miss either end of the point of impact. You can come up with a thousand what iffs with respect to two seconds time.

The fact is, it was meant for me. Things happen for a reason. You are alive FOR A REASON.

Take whatever time you feel you need to get things somewhere close to normal again. Try to get it into your head that you are alive, you carry no fault and this happened (again, I believe) for a reason.

I can tell you that things will truly become normal when the memories begin to separate themselves from the intense emotion you feel. That can take some time. It took me 8 years and that through a new found journey of faith.

I was actually lucky to have the first near fatal trauma experience as the first. It made the second a piece of cake for me, a veritable walk in the park. I walked away. Because of my first experience, I have never felt a moment of guilt. There is no need for me in the first place to feel guilty, but a guy died. Be thankful you don't have a trauma injury experience in your past to temper this season of life.

Just keep talkin' it through man. That's the best thing you can do. Find reasons to be grateful, and you obviously have many... and please suspend the what-iffs. Easier said than done I know. But they are unproductive. As I said, what if has never changed a moment of history.

Best of luck man!

Steve
http://wilk.traumasurivvor.org - my blog
http://www.digitalterrain.info - my photography
http://www.traumasurvivorsnetwork.org - awesome survivor program by the ATS

The world would have lost a good person had you been killed. Thank God you are with us.

thank yuo mary