Hello, this is my first post on this site. I primarily got this to vent and get advice so here I go. It has been about 6 weeks since my mom passed away. It has been a hard few years here at home. I am in my 20's, am a nurse and live at home with my huge family. I have been very close to my family. Almost 3 years ago my mom was diagnosed with something called GBS (gillian-barre syndrome), an auto immune disorder which effects the nerves. Prior to my moms sickness she was working fulltime with children, she loved to cook and take care of kids and was always so loving and positive. She really was an amazing woman. Anyways.. she was diagnosed after several days of tests and not being able to walk or hold a cup. She had then been admitted for several weeks for 3-4 types of therapies. My mom made a full recovery except had developed a side effect of Chronic neuropathic pain. Since then my mom has had to take many different pain killers, anti-convulsants and opiates to aid her pain. She described the pain to feel like tingling and numbness on her hands and feet especially. Throughout this whole development my mom picked up drinking beer everyday. She had always been an ocasional drinker but as the time went by it got worse. Me and my family didnt thnk anything of it because we had thought my mom uses it to cope and she was not out of control. It was not until we noticed she was day drinking and became very depressed from being off of work. She was then on disability and she became much worse. She was in and out of the hospital many times for blood transufsions, low blood pressure, low electrolytes and up until the last months it got even worse. Her feet and legs became very swollen and red. She developed pneumonia and skin rashes. She never liked us to coming to her appointments and did not like us snooping around in her business. She would tell us shes getting better and is fine. At this point we knew she had drinking issues and knew it was now effecting her health, we tried many times to talk to her about it, we even cried and begged to get her help but she never wanted to. It was hard on all of us, we loved her so much. Even my boyfriend who lives on the same street as me would comeover almost everyday and tell me in private that my mom looked very sick. I told him "no she did not" and would end up crying frutstrated because I was partially in denial and partially frustrated because I felt as if there was nothing I could do. I felt so torn because being a nurse I knew medically what was happening to my mom and even when I tried to ask her she would say shes fine. Throughout the 3 years my mom tried many times to stop drinking, she would go threw detox and after some days or weeks she would drink again. Everytime she tried we would congratulate her and support her the best we could. So up until earlier this year her health became more complicated, my mom was no longer able to stand for long periods of time, she would avoid going up and down the stairs due to anxiety and feeling unbalanced. It was very sad, she would cry when she would have to walk up the stairs because of how bad the pain and shakiness was. We would all help her but she was a very proud person she did not want us to worry or feel bad for her.

1 week before my mom died we went camping for 4 days. It was a family tradition and it was something we all looked forward to, even herself. When we went, we enjoyed laughs and campfires. However, she ate very little and was very fatigued. She slept for most of the 3rd and 4th day. We assumed it was due to being so tired from activity. Not once did my mom ever want to be taken to the hospital, she always hated going and would never tell us the extent of her pain or how she felt. The next weekend I went on a trip with my friends for the weekend, I had called her on the second day to check in with her and she sounded so sweet. I told her I loved her and what we had been up to. I was very close to my mom. The same day I got back my eldest sister called me asking how long it would take for me to get home. I explained 30 minutes and she said you must come check on mami. When I got back and seen my mom my heart broke. She was unable to get out of bed for the day and looked very weak. Her skin was jaundice (yellow) and she was very confused. I cried and told her that we must take her ot the hospital, she begged for us not to take her. I promised her I would help her freshen up, change and we would decide what to do after that. She was very shaky and would drop things, she explained that she no longer wanted to drink (which I have never heard her say) and that her stomach could not take it anymore. She had stopped drinking 5 days prior without telling anyone but my dad. I was so upset because i knew soemthignwas wrong by the way she spoke to me, I was happy because she stopped and also worried because It is never good to stop an addiction abruptly. I finally convined her with my other sister to call an ambulance.

We carefully helped her freshen up, changed her and prepared her bags. It was so hard because she looked so weak and she looked so embarrassed having us help her. It broke my heart. She compalined of stomach pain, the ambulance took almost an hour because they thought of it as not an emergency. She was admitted at 9 pm and the last thing I remember was that she grew more confused and had more pain. I left around 11pm while my sister stayed until 1 pm, I left because I had a interview the next morning for a nursing job (I am very stressed where I currently was). We would communicate with eahother whenever my mom was moved or we knew more information. My dad was very attentive to everything going on, he loved her so much and it hurt him so much seeing her this way. My eldest sister then got there for 2 pm and stayed until 7pm. I arrived for 11 am the next day excited to tell her how my interview went, I got there to find my mom unresponsive, her breathing very heavy and her eyes opening and closing. My heart absolutley broke because I did not know what to do. I froze in shock. I could not recognize my mom. I cried and called for help. Why was my mom like this? What is going on? They explained they gave her a dose of anti anxiety medication which may have cause this. We later found out my mom had liver cirrhosis, so she could not meyabolize mediations the same way we do. Every hour we had at least one family member there while the others went home to eat, shower or sleep. None of us were working and we were all so stressed. All we wanted was for my mom to wake up and talk to us. Even still we would talk to my mom normally, explain to her what medications they were amdinistering and for what. As a nurse, we are taught to be like this because there is a chance that the patient may be listening. We wanted to provide some sort of comfort to my mom. We called my grandma to come and she was devastated when she seen her. At 1 am the next day my mom was sent to the ICU from the ER and they had 1 nurse per patient which gave us comfort. The nurse explained that she was in good hands and we could all go home to rest. My eldest sister stayed because she just came back from sleeping. I went home and felt at ease thinking "yes, my mom is getting the right help.. she will wake up in no time". Little did I know, my sister called me 2 hours after I left, I shot up out of bed and answered and she cried" her kidneys are failing too, you need to get here now". I quickly woke up my dad, my brother, my sister and we all left. We all weeped when we go there. They had two nurses working on my mom, connecting lines everywhere and giving her mny different medications. Shortly after that the patient net door pased awat an some lady walked in and gave us all hugs, she was the mother of the man next door. She said "she will be resting in peace soon and you must be strong" she then touched my moms leg and said good bye angel. We couldnt help but feel upset because we had to much faith that my mom would pull threw. How dare you say such things. We all did not realize that most of the people on that floor were dying. By the end of it the doctor had explained that we have 2 choices. The first was to give the last set of medications that may or may not help my mom. He explained that it would make her more uncomfortable, cause more pain and anxiety and could potentially worsen her health status. The second was to administer pain medications, discontinue all her current treatments and administer a sedative... until she passed on her own. We all felt so trapped, how can this be the only way? Why can't we have a miracle and have our my mom back. After a lengthy 2 hours of debate we were stuck between choosing to keep fighting or to let go. It was not until me and my eldest sister approached a nurse who had been very comforting to us and asked him what should we do. He states that it is ultimatley up to up but then began to describe each scenario. If my mom was to come back she make come back with more complications, her quality of life would be very poor and she may be suffering even more. He explained that "Love is not keeping, it is accepting" and I began to feel like I had to throw up. He was right, we could not be selfish and keep her here because we wanted her here. We had to think about my mom. We asked to speak to the doctor and he understood why we have chosen that option and agreed with it. He said that if my mom would have cardiac arrest he would not revive because he had already administered the rescue medications they give. We asked for a priest to come and he did. My dad then went home to shower, he could not bare to see my mom this way. They have been together since they were 14 and 16 years old. My dad came back shortly after and came in a suit, he cames, in dress shoes and had somed his hair and put on cologne. He has come back to say his final goodbyes to my mom. It hurt so much, he had got all dressed up for my mom. You could tell her was crying because his eyes were swollen and red. My mom was only 50 years old when she died. She died of liver failuer, kidnery failure, lung failure, and infection. My dad had asked all of our closest friends to come say there goodbyes and they did. She passed at 1 am when my grandma was holding her in her arms, she told her she would take care of us and the grandkids. Then her heart failed. 

I have never felt so empty inside me. No words, money or presents could take this pain away. I miss my mom so much. If you had known her you would know how loving and caring she was. She would take every opportunity possible to teach you something. Since then we have all been in a lot pain, we feel lost but have never been closer as a family. My mom was and is the best mom ever. She was loved by all and would always help you no matter what. It is up to us now to live up to her legacy. I just wanted to share my story with you all, what I have gone threw sounds like a movie and it was not. It is real pain from the death of a mother. Now I can't help but think that I will not have her there when I get married or have children. She was my anchor when I had a bad day or the first person i would call with good news. I talk to her as much as I can and pray to her. I go visit her at the cemetary every Sunday with the whole family. I have had many dreams of her since she died and they are almost all happy. I miss her so much.