so i've hovered over groups, reading people's stories of TTC and infertility issues, thinking the minute i decided to chime in i could become pregnant OR my struggle wasn't half as hard as other ppl so i should just count my lucky stars. I just searched for online support groups in this year, because everything that ever comes up is from like 5 years ago.

After nearly 15 months of trying and over the age of 35, its become obvious that there is a very real possiblity that we will never get pregnant. For a while there, i had hope (before finding out i have a blocked right tube and he has clumped sperm) that it was only a matter of time. I can feel my enthusiasm dwindle each month, what was once an enthusiastic, exciting time to try and have a baby, has quickly turned in to the most self-depricating, depressing, emotionally draining, virtual smack down of my life. I have become completely and utterly consumed with TTC. it has taken over my entire existence. And not only has my excitement for TTC changed... i've become incredibly bitter towards it. I once read a quote somwhere, "No amont of obsessing ever brought me closer to having my baby, giving myself permission to live did" it never really struck me until lately. I don't do anything i once loved to do. I stopped doing yoga & working out, i even find it difficult to simply take my dog for a walk. I've really lost myself in all this.

You come to know real quick who supports you and who attempts to support you. A part of me always wants to shut down and stop talking about it to those closest to me, but i always cave, because i dunno... i need the support i guess. 

In the 15 months we've been TTC. my sister has gotten pregnant (on the first try i might add) and delivered (he's lovely), 5 cousins - all prego, all boys. 1 friend who had an "oops" and another friend who just delivered. 

I follow my doctors recommendations, the clomid, the opks, all the blood work, HSG (fucking painful btw), Sperm Analysis, you name it. 

So, my rant isn't really to ask if theres a slight possiblity i could be pregnant because of x, y and z symptoms. Its really a proverbial vomit of all anger i have towards this. The lack of faith i've come to have. The absolute resentment I've come to acquire. I think my soul has literally come and gone the last several months.

I will give myself credit for choking back tears and putting on a smiley face.

Thanks for reading my rant