Support for spouses of the depressed Community Group

support for people that deal with daily depression from their significant other but do not fully understand how to deal with it. I try but i never know if I am helping or hurting with my reactions and responses.

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/ Support for spouses of the depressed Support Group

Uncertain Days

MelE
MelE

My best friend and husband is struggling, like all of our bff's in this support group. He is depressed and it is a deep unexpected low. 



In his struggle dealing with this deep numbness he has said he is confused to the point of questioning our marriage. He doesn't want to be single in a dating sense but has had strong feeling of wanting to be alone to figure life out on his own for the first time. 


That was 4 days ago. 2 days ago we started seeing a marriage counselor to discuss our marriage and our respective issues. 1 day ago we went together to a doctor to start discussing his state and medication options. Today he starts the process of seeing if the current prescription works for him. 


I'm talking to friends, I mentioned to my a trusted work supervisor that the next few weeks may be difficult, I'm giving him space when he needs it, I'm there when he wants me to be, I'm being hopeful without being impractical. 


I feel selfish saying that today is my hardest day. If I can help him through this, if i can give him all the love and support he deserves through this process...what if it's not enough? What if he decides, when he gets to the light, that though his depression is under control his not wanting us anymore is real?



I want to save my best friend. I want to save my marriage. Love and affection, once so freely given to me at every moment, is just gone. All of a sudden it doesn't exist in my world the way it used to and I don't know what to do. We are both clearly trying. I keep giving him the option to do things alone, appointments alone, etc. He's taking time for himself but in most moments chooses me there. Is he doing that because he wants it or because he knows I need it? Does the answer to that question matter right now? 


Next week we'd celebrate 2 years of marriage. The holidays are coming. There is a big family event of his today that I will be at alone. He shouldn't go I know, I've offered to help and want to be there for my(his) family. But over my head is the question, "Will they be my family for much longer."


There are two paths ahead. I'm trying to focus on his health first but the sudden lack of affection and the clearly communicated uncertainty he's feeling is too real. In some moments it feels unbearable. I'm not sure what to say anymore. He's reading the med information right now and then wants to talk a walk in the sunshine and cool air. I'm going to do that. Then I'll go to the party. Through all of this I'll just breathe and believe. I'm scared. I'm still in love. I'm thankful for this support group. 

lonebirch
lonebirch
I know how you feel. My husband used to be so attentive, affectionate, passionate, tender and thoughtful. Now I feel like he can't even look at me. He hasn't lovingly touched me in months, has no interest in sex, and hasn't shown an interest in spending time with me in many months. My life revolves around his. I feel like I can no longer be myself around him. He was diagnosed with dysthymia 3 months ago, but I feel like I've seen depressive changes in him for over a year. He, too, has said that he's not sure if he's still in love with me. It's fucking devastating. I'm not sure how long I can hold on? How much longer to I put myself through this heart breaking relationship?
tallguy
tallguy
As heartbreaking as it is, you need to take care of you and rely on yourself for happiness. My wife has fought through depression for 20 years of our marriage and I am 44. There are years that suck and years that are bearable. It is a sickness that you can’t fix. You can only support them through listening, encouraging to get medical attention, counseling, and also reassuring them that you love them. Coming to forums like this to vent are helpful too so that you know you aren’t alone. My wife went off her meds in November and I have been dealing with the fallout all through the holidays. She just spent the last two hours in a tirade telling me how awful I am (paraphrasing). Tonight sucks. For those not married - it can’t be fixed. It can be moderated, but it never goes away, and it gets worse with age. Really think of your mental health long term before making larger commitments with a boyfriend. Depression is just like alcoholism in many respects, you need to accept that it will always be there -it is ugly, dangerous, and frustrating to deal with. Find a coping mechanism that can distract you and keep you happy.
tallguy
tallguy
Keep going to parties, Keep letting him know you are there for him, Don’t tie your emotions to his. Be supportive and reassuring. With meds he will partially snap out eventually.