Suicide and Self Injury Survivors Community Group
A real cool place to talk about the experiences to realize that your not alone and just to talk in general and give advice. Were all cool here so be cool in return thanks.
I just can't take it anymore. I OD'd 7 months ago and today I really wish I had been successful. I know I have to keep going, but I'm so so tired. I have 7 kids to care for now, my husband (their father) is a drunk and walked out on us late last year. I do all of it on my own, he doesn't help out much, I have no parents, they are gone, my father to suicide of all things. My siblings are a lot older than I and have families of their own and grandchildren to keep them all busy. I'm tired of going through life alone, of hearing how I'm doing things wrong or what I'm doing isn't pleasing other people and they would prefer it if....... Are people stupid!! I'm left now to look at my life, child abuse, childhood sexual abuse, anorexia, father's suicide, stillborn daughter, mother's death, miscarriage, alcoholic husband and now a seperation and probably a divorce. I don't have the strength anymore. I held on to my marriage for as long as I could, the 'happy ever after' idea kept me going through my childhood and teenage years and now it's been taken from me, he doesn't want to work it out and come home, he doesn't want to stop drinking. I do it all myself, take the kids to school and daycare, soccer training, parent teacher interviews, drs appointments, nurse sick children, cook, clean, now matter how I'm feeling, I have to keep going. I just can't handle the world and all it's disapproval and judgements at the moment. I'm doing the best I can, but today I just want to give up, throw my hands in the air and say "I quit"
It will work out if you just try. I'm here for you.
One entry I just wrote venting I will paste below, I hope you find some encouragement thru it.
"Choices"
I truly hate the choices I have made in my life
Unfortunately I take them out upon myself, and self-destruct
I can't take anything back
But I have to live with them
I hate myself for them
I want to kill myself
But b/c of Jesus I know, I have hope in Him, for forgiveness, redemption, and His unconditional love
I choose the hard path which is the best, the narrow path that is that few people take, to keep living
Some throw in the towel and take their own lives, like Judas
I refuse to be like him
People call him a coward
I actually felt sorry for Judas b/c he never got a chance to know God, receive His forgiveness, and unconditional love
I don't know if it was his pride or what but he literally gave up, no hope at all,
If would have only held on to see what God has in store for him, the best things that could ever happened to him would have happened, but unfortunately he didn't
I don't want to be like him
Although its hard to keep living
It would be selfish to die
Christ wasn't selfish, He held on through all of His sufferings, that is He suffered more than anyone in the whole world, Just b/c He knew God's plan for His life, and believed in God enough that He knew He would bring it to pass.
Thats the kind of person I want to be like - Jesus
Inspite of all the hell he went thru - He endured, persevered to the end, And received the prize
Thats who I want to be like
His path He took is worth all the suffering
Judas path led his life to have eternal damnation
Jesus path led His life to have eternal life with God
In the end it will be worth it all.
My god, that's almost my story you're telling except for the brother committed suicide and both parents are still alive and i didn't have a stllborn but had the miscarriage, the alcoholic husband, childhood abuse, physical violence in childhood, anorexia, depression etc. You can survive all of the above. It is difficult to bring up three kids with no support from anyone but mine are twenty two, twenty and fifteen and the nicest people you could meet. Even with all that sometimes the disease gets the better of us and i too tried to kill myself ten months ago (prob the fifth time) and spent most of the time since then trying to figure out why i didn't succeed. luckily i have an angel of a pdoc who has never given up on me and the current regime of meds seems to be kicking in a lot of the time which gives me the hope that we will soon get it right and my pdoc is always at the other end of a phone if things get out of hand. message me if you need to anytime and if online we could chat. DS has been a source of great help to me for the last month. this too will pass!