Not going through with suicide does not make you a chicken or weak or useless. People have a natural instinct to preserve their own lives. Many people who have attempted suicide, including myself, have fought against this instinct and failed. Yes, other people have killed themselves, but that does not make them weak either. I know from experience that it's not easy to resist that call in one's mind to commit suicide, but please try to call your local suicide hotline. You can also distract yourself with something harmless. It could be a lot of things even if you're not good at it.

Part of the fun is making small progress with things or you could move to something else. You could also write things down in a journal to express the feelings. If you can, you could put on a mask and go for a walk. A lot of people in my neighborhood are doing that these days. Those things may or may not be fun, but they can make you feel a little better at least. I am sorry that you are in pain. I hope things get better for you