My life looks and feels pointless. I don't feel as though anything can make me actually happy. I can't shake the feeling that I'm starting to care less about things in general. It's been like that for years. I still can't do anything to change it for the better. My counselor is really helping and I'm the one who's supposed to make the choices, but I keep regressing back to sulking around, being lazy, and contemplating suicide. Occasionally, I make plans for suicide.
He's one of the very few people in real life who actually listens to me even if he is just doing his job. I just don't believe I could change my life for the better anymore. I can't seem to do anything right. I admit that I'm a failure. I might always will be. I don't see the point of taking care of myself anymore. It seems like a boring waste of time.
I can only do things one thing at a time and I don't think that's fast enough. I want things to get better as soon as possible, but I can't do that. Nothing really makes me happy anymore. I just see myself doing a bunch of stuff that doesn't even make me happy for a bunch of people who could probably care less that I exist. I don't want to decscribe my plans for suicide because I don't know if the website would be okay with that. I always think I would have better success working up the guts to kill myself.