Suicidal/self-harm thoughts Community Group
This group is for people who are feeling so down that they just want to end it all and just self-harm or do something to just end all the pain, but this gives anyone who's feeling this way a place to vent and to seek help
All I have ever wanted is to find a place where I belonged. All I have ever wanted is to be accepted by someone. To know that despite all my faults, someone could actually like me, that someone out there could actually care about me. I have spent my whole life searching for that, taking blow after blow from life, all in the hopes that all the bad I have gone through would one day lead to something good. That all the pain and suffering I have endured would be worth a chance to have something good happen to me, my first shot at happiness. I gave things time; I was patient, and kept hoping and believing that one day it would happen to me, for me. For over 32 years I have endured life and every bad thing it threw my way. I was knocked down more times then I ever care to count, and each time a piece of my faith, my hope, my belief that things would get better, that something good will happen was chipped away. It took life a long time, but after 32 years life has managed to take it all. It kept chipping away until there was nothing left. Now I'm completely dead inside. I'm hollow and all that's left is a void that won't and can't stop growing. Life has made sure that I never had any friends. Life made sure that I never had any relationships. I have never had a girlfriend. I have never even been on a date. The final straw, the final piece was my first chance at someone actually lining me, life made sure that I screwed that up, by screwing me up. Now I have nothing. I have lost all hope, faith and belief. I'm more alone than I have ever been. The only i have left is death. Its my only way out, and after 32 years of pain, suffering, anguish and despair, it's time to put an end to it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I stopped by because of the name. I also use it as an alter when I am to tired to process. Then I pick up the pieces and sort them into the empty bins. Like WallE did with his junk piles. Taking what works,what could be used later maybe and bypassing the rust I knew to be just the useless leftovers of once shiny things,(I believed). Sadness and trials hurt but there were fragments of learning in them that I didn't see in the struggle. Pieces of me defined that I didn't have time for before while dodging the blows.
That big bin, now empty is perfect for gathering what is good for you. 31 was the year that I started to see the pile of rust for what it was and uncover what was still shiny about myself. I had help, it was then while I was coming up from the bottom I found or was found by someone that seen the strength I didn't see. Losing him to cancer was another blow, earthquake ...bigger than anything else. But I know that is the cycle, we are born and we die, but what we do with what we learn in the inbetween is what makes us worth it.
It took loosing my husband to see that I needed more help than I could do alone. So I found a good therapist when I was at the bottom, wish I had started sooner on that.
I wish I had seen the patterns of what I thought was normal but wasn't. Most people are good in their being. I kept choosing the ones like me, broken and battered , I recognized them as normal, they weren't. It was hard enough keeping myself floating while holding them up.
My husband John (That gift at 31 years) was so good at helping me be human, breathing without him is not easy on some days. But I still do it. On the bad days I reach out and ask for help.
So do something you want to learn from. Mine was and is still learning to be human, in a different way than what I was given in the beginning. Then sharing that in my art, my songs and my heart.
J.