Hello there my soon to be friends.

I wanted to take a moment to introduce myself. I am going to give you the short version for now. I do have my story that I will post. It is still in its editing phase.

I will go by Louise here in the group. It is a pet name my husband gave me when we first started dating. lol

I am 47, soon to be 48 next month. I am married. I have 5 children. Ages 27, 24, 21, 21, and 11. They are all boys. The three older ones are from my first marriage. I have a 21 year old stepson and the 11 year old is mine and my second husbands. Life raising all them guys has been a trip!

I live in West Virginia. I am currently in a wonderful new job. I am a medical assistant for doctor in a private practice. This job came right after my recovery started. I firmly believe I was ment to be there considering almost all of our patients take some form of narcotic and I am slowly weeding out the good and the bad ones. LOL I swear this job was ment for me at this exact time in my life. I never dreamed of me being in the medical field. I was afraid of doctors and hospitals for years. It is amazing that path that life sometimes leads you to.

About 3 years ago I was introduced to hydrocodone via my sister. Who I might add WAS an LPN. I state WAS because she lost her license due to stealing percocet. Yes, she was a prescription pain pill addict. Her profession lead her to that. That is another story. I had no idea my sister had a problem with pills. I was that niave.

I had broke my leg about 9 years ago and they told me I might never walk again. I fooled them. I walked and with min pain. How she got me started was.... all addicts like to in my opinion get others to share a pill every so often. I don't know what it is about that, but it happens. When I would go visit her it seemed she had just made a run for some or just got her script filled or something. She would put a pill in front of me and say, "here this will help with your ankle pain." I had no ankle pain that was THAT bad. I would take the pill though. I would like to remember exactly when it was I realized I liked the way those made me feel, but for the life of me I can't. I would leave her and thought nothing about those pills. Untill the next visit a few months later. (she lives in another state)

I do remember at some point though I found that when I took one of those I felt so... ME...so NORMAL....and I had energy like crazy. I was a nervous depressed person anyway and those things kinda took that all away. I rememeber the first time I actually "bought" hydros. It was from a friend. God Bless her soul, she passed in Dec. Her cancer finally took her. But, she got a ton of pain meds. Oxy's, hydro's. You name it. She would sell me the 10/650 for 2.00 a piece. I remember the first time I bought them. I bought 30 and those 30 lasted me about 2 months. Time went on... and well, you know the rest...I bought more...and more....and more....

I finally got into see a doctor. I do have fibromyalgia, but not to the point of being in terrible, can't stand it pain. He gave me my own script for hydros. I came out of that office all puffed up. I now how my pills LEGAL. I thought it made it all better since I was having a doctor prescribe them for me. He wasn't a good doctor. I left there with a months worth of pills. For 3 months in a row that is how it went. Each month I got more and each month the strength went up. Then, on the 4th month I left there with a script with 6 months refills. wow, I hit the mother load. I would go through those scripts within 2 weeks and then there I was searching and buying.

To make this story short. I lost my job, I at that point lost my husband who turned to "my best friend" (she wanted my life and used me to get my husband). They had an ongoing affair for the past 2 years. (will get into that later too). I lost my childrens respect. I lost it all. I found myself this past Dec wanting off the rollercoaster. I had wanted off for months. I tried it all. Cold turkey, weaning.... nothing worked. I also went back to the pills. I could take up to 15 of the tens a day. What kept me alive? God...that is who. I finally found myself broke, no job, no pills and not a dime to come in. I knew I couldn't do the withdraws. I knew no one was going to float me anything. And, at that point I didn't want anyone to. I wanted out, off the rollercoaster, out of the dark hole. I had been researching suboxone for months. Where I live there is no doctors who prescribe it. I got desperate and called the methadone clinic that day...it was Dec 20th. I told the lady I wanted to go on suboxone...that if I couldn't come there I was going to end up dead. She told me what to do. The next day I drug my sorry butt to that clinic at 5 am. Sick as a dog. I didn't care. I wanted help so bad. I had to go through all the usual stuff and I finally got my first 4 mg of sub. Half hour later I was sitting in the counselors office bawling like a baby. At that moment there...I felt more like ME than I had in over 2 years. She held me and talked to me. I felt such a relief come off my shoulders. I knew this was going to work. I knew at that very moment that I was on my way.

I haven't looked back. There has been troubled times since then. There has been moments that I thought things I shouldn't. BUT I would reach out and I always came back to my thinking now. Those thoughts of "maybe one wouldn't hurt" are way past me now.

I still take my suboxone and honestly now with the fibro getting worse the 8 mgs I take a day keeps that pain away. I don't know how long I will take it. I think of it as my safety net. It is in me and that way nothing will ever give me a high again. And, it does help with my pain. I have done much research on this drug and I am finding that hopefully soon it will be used more and more for better things.

I feel that need to keep it controlled now because they don't want it turning into a street drug.

It is a miracle pill to most. I wish it wasn't always so hard to find a doctor to prescribe it. So many that can't afford it are still out there suffering because of it.

There are programs out there for some. There are programs through the makers of Suboxone also. If anyone has questions or needs help locating a doctor just let me know and I will find you the closest one to you.

So, in a nut shell...that has been my life the past couple years.

My future....I hope to keep getting certified. I want to make a difference to others out there with the same problem I had. I want to be an advocate for those who were in my shoes...who are in that dark hole. There is help out there. I want to be a person to help those that need it. To help them find their way to recovery.

Love and peace,

Louise