I also need to add that H brings up all the time, in a pitiful manner of how he's doing this for me. Today I mentioned to him that it needs to be done for himself. He replied it is for himself as he can't bear to lose me, to lose his family, to lose himself. Yet, for this addiciton cycle to break, he needs the will power to stop it, to seek help for himself.

Hmmm....i can see why i benefitted from having the same therapist as h now. Yes this is a quandry.

I can see both points, and yes you are right your therapist's job is to focus on you and your recovery, and his will be on his recovery. But i am sure as well as looking after yourselves, your main aim is to repair the marriage as well. So how about a comprimise? Perhaps some reflection time apart during the week, and getting together for a date time once a week.
A date time does not need to be time going out, it just has to be time together. With young children.....do they still have nap time? If so, put them to bed.....get out a blanket and have a picnic on the back lawn, a bit of music, a drink....and at least 30 mins together, once a week. A Sunday afternoon, if hubby works during the week?
My hubby and I have our date nights at home. We often go for walks together, during the day while kids are at school. Or at nights when ours are in bed.....but mine are now teenagers, and a little past naptimes :) We do our best talking then......no tv to interupt!!!!

My hubby also started his therapy journey to appease me....until he realised he was about to lose me. Fortunately it co-insided with him being ready to release and commit to a real recovery.
I remember in more than one old-time heated words he said "I do care about you....I'm in therapy for you". I too was worried this meant he was doing it solely for me, but it later transpired to mean "You're more important to me, so thats why I'm trying"......he's just not good with his words!

So maybe not to worry.........he is still fighting it, he may not be good with the meaning of his words like my h? Well just a thought anyway.

I like Trina's compromise idea. My two cents: marriage counsellors and personal counsellor have different goals, it seems like. A marriage counsellor id trying to do what's in the best interests of the marriage, and your personal counsellor is doing what's in your personal best interests. I had a similar experience, and had to admit that in my case anyway, what was best for the marriage was not what was best for me personally.

ok, so today at H therapy session, his therapist agrees that he is in favor of "in house separtion", just not full separation. The therapist told H the same thing I told him the other day....I just need my own time and space to start to heal and to focus on myself, and the therapist told H he needs to do the same, just focus of his own healing and recovery. H said he will try as he's so worried about me.

I did initially start going to the same therapist as H. I had wanted the therapist to use both of our sides to put the pieces together and use as a whole. Honestly, I didn't feel comfortable as the therapist is a male, and I didn't feel he could exactly understand where I was coming from. I kind of felt like he was more focused on H SA instead of me and my concerns. THus, I went and found myself a really nice therapist, one which H therapist highly recommended in today's session.

So, yes, as Trina said about spending time apart during the week, then setting aside one night, just for a little bit tho after the kids go to bed, that will be our "date night" at home. I hope doing this will allow us to focus on healing each of us separately, and slowly fixing the marriage.

We still need to set up separate living quarters, and try to do so discreetly as our parents are judgmental and nosey. He's understanding that I need some space as he's one of my triggers, esp on a bad day

I think right now I'm coming to realize that I need to focus on myself for once. My kids need their mamma, a happy mamma

I agree with Trina. You do need your space and so does he. You also still want him, or you wouldn't be there trying. And so does he. So, Trina's idea sounds like a winner.