Welcome Songbirds. I am so glad you are thinking in this manner and realizing how important it is for you to get support and healing too just for yourself. For many of us that was a major block, glad to see you have gotten this far on your own.
There are support groups out there as well as online. Maybe someone who has been to one can talk about it. I've been to exactly one meeting, which was great, but obviously not enough.
I've heard of COSA (maybe it stands for codependents of sex addicts?). Are there others? Anyone?

Sorry, there is nothing here where I live. There is COSA online I think. Send a message to Trina, I think she has the most info and resources. She's very helpful. There are lots of books that Trina suggests too.

The best advice that was given to me was that I didn't have to decide to DO anything right away, that deciding what to do is MY process, and I can take as long as I want to figure out where I want to be. If you're not ready to go, you're not ready to go. The not knowing is the worst, at least for me, wondering if they'll really get sober. I'm playing the waiting game right now. I'm learning NOT to trust until trustworthiness is earned back with blood, sweat, and tears. You don't have to give him your trust back right now (and shouldn't, probably) in order to stay.

And, you are absolutely right: not only should you not have to do everything in your power to prevent this, there is NOTHING you can do that WILL prevent this. This is something I learned in my codependancy group. You can't control the addict. If he's going to do it, he will, not matter what you do or say, no matter what you threaten, no matter what safe guards are in place. He has to want to do it because he wants to quit, not because he's being hassled about it.

There were no COSA groups in my area when I first started, so I started going to Al-Anon meetings. I remained discreet, and did not tell them I was there as a result of H's sex addiction, but I have found the 12 Steps ENORMOUSLY helpful in this process! They are also incredibly warm and supporting and FREE! Mine even has child care offered in the room next door. COSA/Al Anon are what I'm doing instead of therapy right now, and it's keeping me going.

I found several books that got into the sex addiction and how it related to spouses. I did not realize that there were other things going on other than just "looking at porn". I was amazed. It helped to have some functioning thoughts instead of "how could he do this".
Then I found this site and it has helped also. I can talk to others that have similar difficulties and get various ways to help me instead of just worrying about him. Also the journal has given me the release of all the emotions so I do not feel I am a wreck while my son and h are around.
I do hope that you continue to look at options for you. Whether he slips again or not is up to him. You need to be right with you so you can help your kids. Hugs!

drowning222...would you mind mentioning which books you've tried? Im going to be going on amazon soon to do a 'massive' order of them, both for him and myself.

I did have my H on the SA porn forum last night. Did a lot of reading, but only while I was in other room. That's the first time he's been online since feb 23rd....

The therapist wants me to join in next weeks session. I am more than willing.

I feel that after my explosive outbursts (several), combined with his eagerness to get help, has helped a great deal. I realized how much he really does love me, but the trust is a long ways away for us.

I am soooo lucky to have found this site. It's good knowing Im not the only one who feels this way

one more thing...what to do about the tv? We have all the channels, that includes cinemax and hbo. There's on demand which he can watch certain programs. Now, my main issue is do I put parental controls on, but then the kids may not be able to watch certain shows (family guy) and movies. I have to check into it more. Read something about a V chip on the tv sets that can accesss its own parental controls

But, should I go as far as this? I know he enjoys some of the same programs that I do that he'd then be blocked from watching without me around (hbo series, starz spartacus). we work opposite shifts....

You should call your cable company and ask if just cinemax and hbo can be removed. Usually they're part of an extended package, anyway. I doubt there is anything on either of those stations that your kids can't find elsewhere, and there's a LOT of stuff that you wouldn't want them to see. Family guy is on Fox, Comedy Central, and Cartoon Network, so getting rid of HBO and "skinamax" shouldn't be an issue. There are movies on other channels, channels which DON'T feature free porn on a daily basis (as cinemax does! I'd be worried about my kids having access to cinemax at all, to be honest) Which I guess makes my answer YES, you should go that far, if it's been a source of acting out. I use family software on my husband's computer to block the sites that are his big triggers (it doesn't eliminate everything, but it at least eliminates the well known ones.) I also avoid going to those sites while he's around, even though some of them are sites I used to frequent as well (photography and social networking.) It's just one of those changes that I feel, though inconvenient, is necessary for the process.

If your kids not having access to movies is a big deal, use the money you save canceling the premium channels (HBO and cinemax) to pay for netflix or something - they'll have a bigger selection than the cable stations anyway.

And honestly...I'd be worried about Spartacus being a trigger for any porn addict....it's 75% graphic soft core.....but that's up to you, of course. I admit, the story has sucked me in....

ok, I did set the parental controls on the box upstairs in our bdrm. couldn't do so on the downstairs, and gonna c all cable company in the morning....I am hooked on the series offered by hbo (big love, first blood, etc), so then I'd be losing out...and I am hooked on spartacus as it has an awesome plot. So, I'm less than willing to downgrade our cable, but will do so if need be. As for the kid, they are too young still to know what they are reading, let alone doing on the tv. Plus, our remote buttons are so worn out you can't tell which button from which. Something to think about when older tho.

Hi 2songbirds.

Good job on removing the availability on the tv, and setting up the boundaries on the computer.
His attempt to stop will have been genuine each time, but unless he deals with his demons, his childhood issues, or the reason why he seeks solace in acting out, he won't learn to overcome it.
I too had years of the merry-go-round, things being great until he slipped up, me being angry, him promising, things going back to normal, then him slipping again.
The problem is my h hadn't worked on the why he acted out? He hadn't learnt in his teens to cope with stress in normal ways, but learnt to pick himself up porn instead. With therapy he has learnt he sometimes feels abandoned, and unworthy.
Your h needs to learn why he feels the way he does, so to overcome his compulsion. He can't just stop. You are both finding that out now.

This is not your fault, he is not doing this because of something you lack or are not, he just needs to learn to cope in life, in better ways.

The book i wish to highly recommend is
Mending A Shattered Heart.....By Stefanie Carnes (going off the top of my head as I'm away from home, so i hope i quoted that right)

Its one of the best books i have read for spouses.

I wish you well :)

thank you trina. Last night after reading your post, I had him read it as well. He had a moment as he realized why he turned to porn was because he was feeling lonely. Combination of us working opposite shifts, me being too tired from housework, kids,and work to give him some nighttime loving. He's going to tell his therapist about this on Tuesday. We have been working more on since this last lapse of trying to make things easier for both of us. He's been helping out so much more around the house, and I in return don't have to continue doing housework when I get home late at night, which allows snuggle time for us.

As for the tv, he's ok with it. We both enjoy watching Spartacus on Starz, but since the parental controls, we watch it together. I really didn't want to downgrade our cable as there's so many movies available to watch at any given moment when we get bored or whatever, which is nice

I did order that book, amongst many others that you recommended. I think I ordered 10 from amazon, and should be coming by wednesday. I did get books for both of us, and for each of us.

He understands this is how it's going to be for now on. I will know every website he's visited, every picture, etc, even if he tries to "crash" the computer to cover it up, I will dig it back up out of the harddrive as I did this past time. He's no longer "allowed" to watch sexual shows/movies/programs on tv without me around, and I put parental controls on videos online (fancast). He's ok with all of this, as he said whatever it takes.

thanks again for all the responses and advice.