I was trapped here for a while as well. Not sure about your full story or how long it has been since the problem was revealed, but I eventually just couldn't take it anymore. I started a journal and wrote about every thing that I was angry and sad about and then let him read it so it would be more constructive then yelling and he would still know how I felt. I reverted to processing slowly and not letting it consume my day by staying occupied with the kids or school work. It was hard but slowly the anger started to melt away some as did the sadness. However I do find it creeping back from time to time when there is a slip up or when things just aren't going right. Have you been to counseling? This will help is they are specialized with sex addiction as way to talk out your feelings if anything because those who have not been through it really don't know, friends and family and what not. I hope this helps and you can try to find some good this holiday season!
Funny we're talking about anger right now.... I'm angry as heck right now. Today was our first counseling session, and I wasn't feeling good about it. The counselor is excellent, he saw me first, then my h... Then we got home and my h dialed into one of his tele-meetings for sexual addicts (SA). But, we've been all through this before.... for 13 years... then the porn and videos, etc., etc., starts again, and he cries and cries and starts "recovery" again... and I'm like "what the f***" am I supposed to do with how I FEEL??? I wanna slap him; I really do..... my kids are all grown, we're both retired, and I have to settle for a sexless marriage at the prime of my life? Whew!!!! I'll get over it, and so will we all.... but damn, I'm pissed right now!!! Thanks for letting me vent, my sisters!
... oh, another piece of my story. I am a survivor of rape and incest (my stepfather violated me from the age of 5 to around 7; I've been raped 3 times before the age of 20), so I have issues around men anyway, and he's only added to my "insanity".... many layered!! But God.........
@justafriend~~ you echo sososososo many of my thoughts - however, my h feels that if he gave up
his internet porn which 'IS NOT an addiction' he'd be perfect and nobody is perfect! Does not help that he just retired and I'm several years away, so ... he's home all day and he's a night owl, so now that he's retired, he stays up all night... math is pretty easy here in this story problem, right?
What kills me is that he has no respect for my feelings, seemingly has tossed away our intimacy in lieu of the computer (add some ED in here, and our sex life is gone) ~~ right now, he's doing his standard three-day time out since I dredged up the dead elephant in the room... no worries though, he'll be back at it very soon...
My inner dialogue is SO incredibly negative, I can almost feel the poison it's putting out to my body.
Thanks for responding! and thanks for listening~~ it feels good to know I'm not alone and therefore, I'm not crazy or off base or immature or, or, or... deflective things I get to steer the focus off of him and his addiction.
... Zen, you know what I figured out?? If he keeps "at it", I keep "dredging" the dead elephant into the living room...... he doesn't get to keep it to himself; since I'm in this sh**, then I have the right to talk about it, too!! (so courageous, huh?), actually anger... but it feels good to get it "out" of my head..... take care, too!!!
We had been separated for about a year and a half, but decided to try to make things work. I was the one who had left in the past. I discovered the dating sites just after we got back together. He said it would take a while to shut it all down. It has been a year now, and he has let me go in and close down some of the web sites and cancel anything he was paying for. This last week I discovered that as I was going through the email to clean it out, he had emailed a site to his new email. I confronted him and he just said that he has had a hard time trusting me as I divorced him once, and then separated again later. We have not lived in the same house for 20 years due to jobs. This time I got a job close enough I could drive and got rid of most of my stuff and moved down. I am not going to waste my time trying to close things down if he just keeps signing up for new ones. I am also not going to be his consolation prize at night after he has spent the day looking at gorgeous women and having internet sexual conversations with them. I have tried to maintain a normal sex life with him since I came back even though I knew about his problem as he was always able to explain that it was getting less, and he let me have the passwords to start closing things down. The last month or so I realized it wasn't really stopping and have not been able to get emotionally into things. Now I am at the point that I almost cringe when he tries to touch me in sexual places. I do not know how he will take it, but eventually I will explain that we will not have relations until he understands why I got upset that he emailed information about a dating site to his new address. I am not sure if this is the right way to handle things, but I don't know what else to do.
Are either of you (or both of you) in marriage counseling? If not, I strongly suggest that you find a therapist who specializes in sexual addiction and start talking and being honest with each other about how you feel..... I've found that I feel better when I know he's "heard" me.... just a suggestion, helpmate! God Bless...
The problem with counseling is that he tried it with one of his prior wives and it didn't do any good to help them in their marraige. I don't think it had any thing to do with porn at that time. The problem now is that he works in a small town situation and anyone that would help would have the possibility of letting something confidential slip. This is going to be something we handle ourselves for now. I am not going to waste my time trying to check to see if he is doing anything. It is just easier to assume that until he changes his habits he is doing something and I just have to wait until he really wants to do something about it. HE will rebel at any attempt I do to control his life. At this point I am not controlling his life, I am taking control of mine and will not be his consolation prize at the end of the day. I now can spend my time doing constructive things that I need to do without worrying about leaving the house and having him go online. He will do what he will. I just don't have to stress over it. We did discuss things the other day, but I am not sure that he even really wants me here so he will have to decide what he wants. I have quit worrying about it as much as I can and am going to start living my life. I will be here for him in every other way until he decides.
his internet porn which 'IS NOT an addiction' he'd be perfect and nobody is perfect! Does not help that he just retired and I'm several years away, so ... he's home all day and he's a night owl, so now that he's retired, he stays up all night... math is pretty easy here in this story problem, right?
What kills me is that he has no respect for my feelings, seemingly has tossed away our intimacy in lieu of the computer (add some ED in here, and our sex life is gone) ~~ right now, he's doing his standard three-day time out since I dredged up the dead elephant in the room... no worries though, he'll be back at it very soon...
My inner dialogue is SO incredibly negative, I can almost feel the poison it's putting out to my body.
Thanks for responding! and thanks for listening~~ it feels good to know I'm not alone and therefore, I'm not crazy or off base or immature or, or, or... deflective things I get to steer the focus off of him and his addiction.
take care!