I think having a trigger, is like grief. Its hard to deal with, but with time it subsides, as we heal as a person.
Its important we don't obsess, as it can have a negative effect.
I like to go for a walk, and listen to music to change my mood.
Mmmmm....that depends. I do whatever makes me feel most comfortable at the time. Sometimes I have just got up and walked away from situations where I felt hurt or panicky. I gave myself permission to protect my feelings by just getting up and walking away at times. Sometimes I ignore it until it passes. Sometimes I let the emotions run their course. I almost always talk to my H at some point about it, so that he can provide some support if he wants. Sometimes, it lets me and him know what situations to avoid if we can.
I decide whether or not I want to think about what roots are attached to feelings I am having. I found there is a full range of emotions that are caught up in all of this. I studied what hurt and why...for my own information. I got to know me better. I still consider it a way of getting to know myself better and being kinder to my inner self. I evaluate ME for a change. How "I" feel. And tend to how I feel any way I see fit at the time. I'm good to me?
From past experience, I know that a glimmer of those feelings will probably stay with me in this relationship for it's duration now. It's not like I can ever forget it. It will always be inside me to some extent. I feel that I have to accept that to live with him. The pain is the cost of the relationship for me now. That is the gift we give them, once again. Living with what they have done?
He has to accept that I feel that way to live with me too. He has to accept the pain and damage to the relationship he has caused and the changes in me that have occured. And we both have to accept the "new" relationship. The old one died in knowledge. This is a different relationship and has some really bad cracks and flaws.
I personally had to look at those facts and decide if it was worth it to me. If the other parts of the relationship were worth the pain I would be accepting. So, when I feel the affect of the trigger, I acknowledge it within myself, and decide what course of action I would like to take, and remember that this is my choice to endure or not at any time I choose.
Freedom to choose is my balm. I am not forced to deal with this if I don't want to. The knowledge of his duplicity gave me a newfound freedom. Freedom to stay or go. Freedom to endure or not. Anytime I want.
I am a alki, and my triggers at first occured 24/7. I really needed to have a game plan as to what to do when I wanted to engage in addictive behavior. For me what works is prayer, and stepping back and walking through in my head where this short term fix will lead to. And this is not a good place. I now have no desire to go to that place as I automatically think of Hell on Earth when I think of wanting to escape through booze or pills.
So for a SA, I would think that it is similar-they need to avoid these triggers if possible, but when faced, need to conciously walk through in their heads-or even on paper or to another person-what engaging in their short term fix will lead to. And in the end, all addictions lead no where.
I have a few touchstone people who I talk things out with. I take a shower and sing in the shower. I cry. I talk with him sometimes about how I'm feeling, but usually I wait until the worst of it has passed so I don't rage at him.
Thanks all, for replies:
thinking about expressing grief...
knowing we have freedom...
knowing all addictions lead nowhere...
waiting till rage has passed (I need to work on this one!)...
I too pray, walk, wait, write. Sometimes a girl cutter I saw once years ago comes to mind. When I first saw her, for a minute I thought she had run through blackberry bushes or something...until it dawned on me what I was seeing. I think about how all the little cuts add up...there are deep ones too...and the big ones and all the little ones add up and they can potentially cause permanent damage. Even if we heal, there are still little scars as evidence. I don't want all this to change my essence. Except I want to use the cuts and scars in a "higher power" like way: for strength, not bitterness or fear. I am thankful I haven't gone so sideways that I have literal actual cuts to show for all this. When I am triggered, I close my eyes and picture my clean, uncut skin and love myself from the outside in.
Sometimes haveing that one good visual can help. I haven't yet got one for my H's situation, but when I kicked my ex out and he immediately moved in with/ married another woman, I was devestated. Until one day I had this semi-lucid dream of him shooting at us and her jumping in front of me. Taking a bullet for me so to speak. It brought me a lot of peace!
Its important we don't obsess, as it can have a negative effect.
I like to go for a walk, and listen to music to change my mood.
I decide whether or not I want to think about what roots are attached to feelings I am having. I found there is a full range of emotions that are caught up in all of this. I studied what hurt and why...for my own information. I got to know me better. I still consider it a way of getting to know myself better and being kinder to my inner self. I evaluate ME for a change. How "I" feel. And tend to how I feel any way I see fit at the time. I'm good to me?
From past experience, I know that a glimmer of those feelings will probably stay with me in this relationship for it's duration now. It's not like I can ever forget it. It will always be inside me to some extent. I feel that I have to accept that to live with him. The pain is the cost of the relationship for me now. That is the gift we give them, once again. Living with what they have done?
He has to accept that I feel that way to live with me too. He has to accept the pain and damage to the relationship he has caused and the changes in me that have occured. And we both have to accept the "new" relationship. The old one died in knowledge. This is a different relationship and has some really bad cracks and flaws.
I personally had to look at those facts and decide if it was worth it to me. If the other parts of the relationship were worth the pain I would be accepting. So, when I feel the affect of the trigger, I acknowledge it within myself, and decide what course of action I would like to take, and remember that this is my choice to endure or not at any time I choose.
Freedom to choose is my balm. I am not forced to deal with this if I don't want to. The knowledge of his duplicity gave me a newfound freedom. Freedom to stay or go. Freedom to endure or not. Anytime I want.
So for a SA, I would think that it is similar-they need to avoid these triggers if possible, but when faced, need to conciously walk through in their heads-or even on paper or to another person-what engaging in their short term fix will lead to. And in the end, all addictions lead no where.
What I REALLY want is a punching bag.
thinking about expressing grief...
knowing we have freedom...
knowing all addictions lead nowhere...
waiting till rage has passed (I need to work on this one!)...
I too pray, walk, wait, write. Sometimes a girl cutter I saw once years ago comes to mind. When I first saw her, for a minute I thought she had run through blackberry bushes or something...until it dawned on me what I was seeing. I think about how all the little cuts add up...there are deep ones too...and the big ones and all the little ones add up and they can potentially cause permanent damage. Even if we heal, there are still little scars as evidence. I don't want all this to change my essence. Except I want to use the cuts and scars in a "higher power" like way: for strength, not bitterness or fear. I am thankful I haven't gone so sideways that I have literal actual cuts to show for all this. When I am triggered, I close my eyes and picture my clean, uncut skin and love myself from the outside in.