I hear you, Sunny.... Thanks for sharing.

So the last two weeks of him being lazy, unemotional toward me, frustrated at everything and everyone, and detached from us all together was because he had been looking at porn again... but not doing the deed with it. Just looking at it. Serious hell for 2 weeks of lying about something so stupid. I am so mad about the lying. He said he didn't want to tell me because he knew he would have to stop and he wasn't ready. I told him to be ready or to get out. Dec. is the hardest month for me out of all the year because of christmas, the anniversary of my mom and grandmother passing, and having to spend it without them. I have been so alone this month and all because of porn. So mad and hurt right now. And it made me infuriated when he explained addiction to me. I may not be an addict of any sort but I have a sister and a mother who was... I know what it is and I know the behaviors and secrecy and all that stuff that goes with it.

I didn't give him an ultimatum but in stead promised him. As I am already at the point of making plans to move on with my life without him, he needs to make a choice: Be ready to give it up and change his life and his behaviors or live a sad life without me. Lying about porn is where it starts and then it will go further to cheating and I am not going to stick around for that. So it's either change it or I am moving on. So ready to move on and just be done, 31 is too young to be down in the dumps about marriage and life. I can be a mom and a dad, I know I have it in me. I am pretty much a single parent as it is!

Thanks for reading and I hope everyone's Christmas brings joy and the New Year brings happiness!

has he been to therapy? i know from dealing with this addiction that it CANT get better without some form of therapy for the addict...

@Sunny - do what you have to do for yourself. If he loves you, truly loves you, he'll admit to his "weakness", his "sickness" and go to therapy especially for addicts. You know what's best for you and your child/children. Each of us has to know what our threshold for pain is.... of course, I'd want you to stick it out and hang in there; however, I'm not you... none of us are.... take care of yourself and your babies! whatever that means..... please keep us posted because we all care!! May you have a Peaceful Christmas, Sunny !!!

Thank you for this note Justafriend. He has already admitted his weaknesses to me and everything that goes along with his addiction. We talked over the weekend and I told him it was time for change. He can no longer use depression, ADD, and a possible diagnosis of Aspergers as reasons for him to be lazy, lying, and falling back into the old him. He either needs to get on top of his life and possible mental and disorder problems or move on. While any of the three things he has is hard to live with and live a happy life, it is possible if the individual wants to. Same with addiction. WHile it is hard to leave his comfort of the addiction and all that it gives him behind, he must do it not only to continue to be married to me, but also have success in life and be a good father. So this next year we are going to take it month by month and make sure he is making progress in the right direction. First things first...find out if he has aspergers syndrome, this could be the key to everything! You are right, Justafriend, I do want to stick it out, but only until he has made the decision to not better himself and gives up hope. I cannot stick around for that anymore!

I hope everyone who reads this has had a wonderful Christmas and has a happy new year.

Good for you, Sunny! "One day at a time"... "keep coming back, it works IF you work it" Happy New Year!!

It does get tiring of playing that supportive role. I think that's where we wear out and they get too heavy to carry. That's why I think most recoveries say that we should focus on ourselves and what we can do for ourselves. Happy New Year to all of you as well. I agree one day at a time. I can honestly say as we come upon a four year anniversary that it does get better with time and "work".

I was where you are, not too long ago...

Since 2008 (when I first found out, but had been going on well before that) my H's porn addiction had reared it's ugly head time and time again, after I thought I'd beaten it down and he said he'd stopped (lied to my face more times than I can count) and more arguments, crying, begging, pleading, threatening than I like to admit, over the years.

For one thing, I wasn't nearly as tech savvy about computers as I needed to be, to keep up with his tricks.
Only after I installed a keylogger, was I able to actually SEE everything he was doing (like changing the time & dates so it looked like he hadn't done anything "recently", and much more!)
I documented everything, kept a journal of times he was on and what he looked at (including screen shots) and then the lies that he told to my face.

On Dec. 13th, right after he looked at some particularly nasty porn, he came to bed and very sincerely
said that he was glad that I made him stop and that he hadn't even been looking at women in bikini's anymore.

Well, the well known "crap hit the spinning oscillator", cuz I'd hit my limit of his lies!
I told him that "only a fool keeps doing the same things over and over, fully expecting to get different results" - and I was TIRED of being a FOOL, because nothing worked to get him to stop.
So I told him that he needed to pack enough stuff for two nights (minimum) and leave the house, so that I would have time to think, calm down and determine if I wanted to carry on with a 19 yr marriage which wasn't a marriage at all.

He was flabbergasted. Totally and completely, because in 19 years, I had NEVER, EVER gone that far before.
I was so f-ing mad, that I could not even cry, and I was 100% serious! Yep, not one single tear.

I'm also a stay-at-home-mom who hasn't had an outside job in over 10 years - but I'd rather be broke than live with someone who constantly lies to my face - someone who is supposed to love, respect and care for me, be my closest ally and supporter.
It was NO marriage. He did NOT respect me or my feelings of being hurt by his lust for other women.

I can now report that he's been clean for 28 days.
His personality is changed, he's more happy, confident, outgoing and attentive, like a weight is off his shoulders.
Yet I know that it's not over - nor will it ever be. I will always have to be on guard, and so will he, to avoid triggers and have strength to resist.
I know there will be slips and backslides at some point.

Point being is that YOU have to decide about YOUR life and how much stress, suffering and misery that YOU are willing to put up with.
If you're so miserable and stressed that you can't sleep, can't work, can't leave the house with him alone there, can't think of anything else, then it's serious decision time.
You cannot MAKE him stop, HOWEVER, you CAN decide whether you want to continue living with someone who does NOT respect you and lies to your face on a regular basis.
If he honestly, REALLY cares & loves you (and the kids), and you either kick him out or you leave, then he WILL find a way to stop.

Only...glad you shared your story. It is so true about the lying. It's part of the cycle and was part of my h's ritual for his acting out. Your h never had to come say that to you...why did he? It's part of the sickness. My h didn't know I had put a locator in his car and watched him walk out of a bar in one city when he said he was in a nearby city at a pro basketball game. I asked him how the game was and he said great. I thought he was in a business associates box and asked how cool that was and he said no he had court side tickets! WHY GO TO THAT EXTRA LENGTH LIE....HE WASN'T EVEN AT THE GAME!! This is a man that I truly believed could never look me in the eye and blatantly lie. That was a real eye opener for me as to my fantasy world and reality. We do have to draw a line somewhere and that was it for me too. The lying destroys so many things. Rarely does an addict walk up to you out of the blue and say that they are sick and need help. Generally they are caught at something and feel so much shame they realize they need help or will lose something precious .