Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
I just joined this support group and I dont know how but I managed to post someone's else post under my name accidently and now I don't know how to delete it (my apologies!). This is my story
About 9 months ago, I met a man, and we hit it off right away, talked on the phone day after day and learned many things about each other. I remember telling him over the phone why I got divorced (P addiction) and him saying, "I hardly ever look at P". I told him back then that that was the ONE addiction I could not and would not tolerate. To me, at that point, knowing he had an addiction to P and M, he should have backed off and not pursued a relationship with me. BUT he didn't. We moved in together about 4 months ago. I immediately started noticing the amount of time he spent on the computer. He was unemployed at the time and he would spend literally 6-10 hours a day on the computer (dishes not done, laundry not done, never ate). When I asked him what he did on the computer all day, he said he was looking for jobs. I repeatidly asked him if he was looking at P, and he said no, over and over again, but something in my GUT told me something just wasn't right. No one spends that much time on the computer, letting the house work, and even small things go undone to look for a job unless he was looking in all 50 states. Another huge red flag for me was he couldn't get erect when we had sex. At first I thought it may be a medical condition, but I also noticed that he wouldn't look at me during sex, and that he didn't really know how to intimately make love to a women. The only way he could climax was by M or oral sex. I didnât bring it up to him because I didnât want to embarrass him and believed him when he said he wasnât doing anything wrong on the computer.
But again and again, my GUT told me something was wrong. I was planning on being out of town for 10 days so I put some spyware on his computer and I remember as I was installing it asking the Lord to just prove me wrong, and then I would uninstall it and forget about it. While I was gone, I had asked him to paint a room in our house. I get home, room isnât done. Yeah, I blew up⦠I blew up because he wasnât working and had TEN days to paint a room, and really had no excuse when asked.
The next morning, he had left to run some errands and I got on the computer and my suspicions were confirmed. The day I left for my trip he was online ALL day.. 5:00am to Midnight. And he was looking at all different sites (I was LIVID), I didnât even look at any other days at that point, there was really no need. I confronted him, asked him to leave and pretty much said some pretty horrible things to him. I was so angry that he had been lying to me knowing how I felt. Here I am getting up going to work, trusting him when he said âOh honey Iâm just looking for jobsâ. âI am not doing anything wrongâ. I was so angry and hurt that day after day he could look me right in the eye and LIE, KNOWING that that was the one addiction I would not tolerate but just felt he could get away with it, which was another thing that pissed me off. Hw dare he think I was that stupid to not know something was up (no punt intended) when his life revolved around his computer, he had no social skills when we were out in public, he always had an excuse why he couldnât go places with me. Now I see why. As if me being gone at work all day wasnât enough time for him to M multiple times, he had to do it in the evenings too. I was very nasty, yelling screaming, saying things like, âyou looked at that shit all day and when I get home, you wanna grab me and treat me like a P star which is how I felt in bed). That computer and his hand were his best friend and according to him have been for the past 4 years. I told him it was interfering with our sex life and hadnât he noticed? He said he had noticed and that is all he said, probably because I was pretty angry and saying some pretty hurtful things to him but I was hurt, angry, disappointed and I wanted him to FEEL what I felt.
He broke down and said he was soo happy that he got caught and that he really needed to beat this addiction and how he was glad that I knew so he could fight it. He had no idea he hurt me (bullshit, he knew months ago while we were still in the âtalkingâ phase of our relationship that P was something I couldnât tolerate and even reassured me he didnât look at that stuff and if he did it was maybe once a year). I do remember that conversation. I am sure he doesnât remember once it was a lie anyways. He promised me that if I stayed with him, he would stop all of it the P and the M because he wanted our relationship to work (and I knew then he was doing it for the wrong reasons). He kept saying âI a soo sorryâ. That day, it didnât matter to me what he said I didnât believe him and I told him that. My response to every single time he said âI am sorryâ was âNo, the ONLY thing youâre sorry for is getting caughtâ. He knew that this would kill me if I found out, yet he chose to continue to do it. And now oh just because I found out, had a fit, threatened to leave, oh now, he can stop on his own and win this battle??? Really?? UMMM because you couldnât do it a few months ago when you knew how I felt, when you moved in, when you lied every single day. You couldnât do it all those times I asked what you were doing on the computer for 6, 8, 10 hours a day? But Now, you can just STOP cold turkey? And he actually wanted me to believe him.
I took a few days to think about things and decided to give it a try because I did really love him. BUT INSIDE, I was falling apart, getting madder and madder more at myself for staying knowing that eventually this will have to end because of my trust issues and because I really just donât want to be with someone like that again. He really made an effort with me, he has always been more effectionate than me, always touching me and hugging me, telling me he loves me. But after finding out, I just couldnât give it back. Sex is pretty much the same, and itâs been about a month and a half since this all came to lite. Again, he doesnât make love to me, he has sex with me. Still doesnât look at me, and the only way for him to climax is by M or oral sex and even then he has a hard time staying erect, which tells me he still is M on his own.
Now I am not one to tell someone what to do and I know men M but he takes it to the extreme. He is always touching himself, noticed that when we are on the couch, and he would prefer to M over being with me. Do I take it personally? I really try not to but I am so angry at all his lies and that his P and M have interfered with us, and our sex life. I also can be pretty verbally abusive and I know I was 19 years ago with my husband so when all this came to lite a month and a half ago, I really tired not to demean or humiliate him, but I also needed him to know how I felt. That it really was upsetting that he had 10 days to paint one room but since P and M was more of a priority, the hell with what I wanted.
I work a lot and am not home, so he says heâs doing nothing on the computer, he did allow me to put a filter on it, but whatâs to stop him from buying a DVD???? No way for me to know. The trust is gone and I question everything. I am mad at myself for not kicking him out when I should have, I am mad that I fell in love with someone that lied to me every single day and I think still is. He wants everything to be fine, he wants to move on and forget it, he says he has it under control and hasnât MB or viewed P since the big blow up and he wants me to believe him and trust him and I just canât do that. When I try to talk to him about it, he tells me he is dealing with it and that he doesnât want to talk about it anymore, that I embarrass him and humiliate him which I know isnât true because I know myself and what I am capable of and I know I have tried to be very patient and understanding with him after the initial blow up. I also feel like saying to him, I didnât want P brought into my life again and HE knew that and didnât care so why should I care if he wants to talk about it or not? HE did this, HE knowingly brought this addiction into our relationship, but wants all forgotten.
I give the women here much credit to stick by their man and get through this because I just donât think I can. I told him had it been any other addiction, I could have dealth with it, but this brings up so much from my first marriage and for me as I told him months ago before any of this came to light, TRUST for me is huge and once itâs gone, it takes me months/years to rebuild. He says he is being honest and that I have to believe him, and my response is like I believed you when you said you only look at P once a year?
I am still very angry at him and at myself and I know that I need to end this but why am I having a hard time doing it?
About 9 months ago, I met a man, and we hit it off right away, talked on the phone day after day and learned many things about each other. I remember telling him over the phone why I got divorced (P addiction) and him saying, "I hardly ever look at P". I told him back then that that was the ONE addiction I could not and would not tolerate. To me, at that point, knowing he had an addiction to P and M, he should have backed off and not pursued a relationship with me. BUT he didn't. We moved in together about 4 months ago. I immediately started noticing the amount of time he spent on the computer. He was unemployed at the time and he would spend literally 6-10 hours a day on the computer (dishes not done, laundry not done, never ate). When I asked him what he did on the computer all day, he said he was looking for jobs. I repeatidly asked him if he was looking at P, and he said no, over and over again, but something in my GUT told me something just wasn't right. No one spends that much time on the computer, letting the house work, and even small things go undone to look for a job unless he was looking in all 50 states. Another huge red flag for me was he couldn't get erect when we had sex. At first I thought it may be a medical condition, but I also noticed that he wouldn't look at me during sex, and that he didn't really know how to intimately make love to a women. The only way he could climax was by M or oral sex. I didnât bring it up to him because I didnât want to embarrass him and believed him when he said he wasnât doing anything wrong on the computer.
But again and again, my GUT told me something was wrong. I was planning on being out of town for 10 days so I put some spyware on his computer and I remember as I was installing it asking the Lord to just prove me wrong, and then I would uninstall it and forget about it. While I was gone, I had asked him to paint a room in our house. I get home, room isnât done. Yeah, I blew up⦠I blew up because he wasnât working and had TEN days to paint a room, and really had no excuse when asked.
The next morning, he had left to run some errands and I got on the computer and my suspicions were confirmed. The day I left for my trip he was online ALL day.. 5:00am to Midnight. And he was looking at all different sites (I was LIVID), I didnât even look at any other days at that point, there was really no need. I confronted him, asked him to leave and pretty much said some pretty horrible things to him. I was so angry that he had been lying to me knowing how I felt. Here I am getting up going to work, trusting him when he said âOh honey Iâm just looking for jobsâ. âI am not doing anything wrongâ. I was so angry and hurt that day after day he could look me right in the eye and LIE, KNOWING that that was the one addiction I would not tolerate but just felt he could get away with it, which was another thing that pissed me off. Hw dare he think I was that stupid to not know something was up (no punt intended) when his life revolved around his computer, he had no social skills when we were out in public, he always had an excuse why he couldnât go places with me. Now I see why. As if me being gone at work all day wasnât enough time for him to M multiple times, he had to do it in the evenings too. I was very nasty, yelling screaming, saying things like, âyou looked at that shit all day and when I get home, you wanna grab me and treat me like a P star which is how I felt in bed). That computer and his hand were his best friend and according to him have been for the past 4 years. I told him it was interfering with our sex life and hadnât he noticed? He said he had noticed and that is all he said, probably because I was pretty angry and saying some pretty hurtful things to him but I was hurt, angry, disappointed and I wanted him to FEEL what I felt.
He broke down and said he was soo happy that he got caught and that he really needed to beat this addiction and how he was glad that I knew so he could fight it. He had no idea he hurt me (bullshit, he knew months ago while we were still in the âtalkingâ phase of our relationship that P was something I couldnât tolerate and even reassured me he didnât look at that stuff and if he did it was maybe once a year). I do remember that conversation. I am sure he doesnât remember once it was a lie anyways. He promised me that if I stayed with him, he would stop all of it the P and the M because he wanted our relationship to work (and I knew then he was doing it for the wrong reasons). He kept saying âI a soo sorryâ. That day, it didnât matter to me what he said I didnât believe him and I told him that. My response to every single time he said âI am sorryâ was âNo, the ONLY thing youâre sorry for is getting caughtâ. He knew that this would kill me if I found out, yet he chose to continue to do it. And now oh just because I found out, had a fit, threatened to leave, oh now, he can stop on his own and win this battle??? Really?? UMMM because you couldnât do it a few months ago when you knew how I felt, when you moved in, when you lied every single day. You couldnât do it all those times I asked what you were doing on the computer for 6, 8, 10 hours a day? But Now, you can just STOP cold turkey? And he actually wanted me to believe him.
I took a few days to think about things and decided to give it a try because I did really love him. BUT INSIDE, I was falling apart, getting madder and madder more at myself for staying knowing that eventually this will have to end because of my trust issues and because I really just donât want to be with someone like that again. He really made an effort with me, he has always been more effectionate than me, always touching me and hugging me, telling me he loves me. But after finding out, I just couldnât give it back. Sex is pretty much the same, and itâs been about a month and a half since this all came to lite. Again, he doesnât make love to me, he has sex with me. Still doesnât look at me, and the only way for him to climax is by M or oral sex and even then he has a hard time staying erect, which tells me he still is M on his own.
Now I am not one to tell someone what to do and I know men M but he takes it to the extreme. He is always touching himself, noticed that when we are on the couch, and he would prefer to M over being with me. Do I take it personally? I really try not to but I am so angry at all his lies and that his P and M have interfered with us, and our sex life. I also can be pretty verbally abusive and I know I was 19 years ago with my husband so when all this came to lite a month and a half ago, I really tired not to demean or humiliate him, but I also needed him to know how I felt. That it really was upsetting that he had 10 days to paint one room but since P and M was more of a priority, the hell with what I wanted.
I work a lot and am not home, so he says heâs doing nothing on the computer, he did allow me to put a filter on it, but whatâs to stop him from buying a DVD???? No way for me to know. The trust is gone and I question everything. I am mad at myself for not kicking him out when I should have, I am mad that I fell in love with someone that lied to me every single day and I think still is. He wants everything to be fine, he wants to move on and forget it, he says he has it under control and hasnât MB or viewed P since the big blow up and he wants me to believe him and trust him and I just canât do that. When I try to talk to him about it, he tells me he is dealing with it and that he doesnât want to talk about it anymore, that I embarrass him and humiliate him which I know isnât true because I know myself and what I am capable of and I know I have tried to be very patient and understanding with him after the initial blow up. I also feel like saying to him, I didnât want P brought into my life again and HE knew that and didnât care so why should I care if he wants to talk about it or not? HE did this, HE knowingly brought this addiction into our relationship, but wants all forgotten.
I give the women here much credit to stick by their man and get through this because I just donât think I can. I told him had it been any other addiction, I could have dealth with it, but this brings up so much from my first marriage and for me as I told him months ago before any of this came to light, TRUST for me is huge and once itâs gone, it takes me months/years to rebuild. He says he is being honest and that I have to believe him, and my response is like I believed you when you said you only look at P once a year?
I am still very angry at him and at myself and I know that I need to end this but why am I having a hard time doing it?
Also, through my therpaist and my pastor I learned that if I wrote down the positive and negative traits from my relationships (parents included), then I would see what I'm attracted to. If your first husband was a PA, then chances are, any guy you meet is going to be one, unless you figure out why you are attracted to these types of people.
You can work things out with him, but HE has to be the one to take some initiative and so do you. You can not force him to change and he can not change you. When we start to give ourselves and do things we feel uncomfortable with, we start to get resentful. Please, don't allow yourself to get there. That's when you stop loving and start resenting and it's a deep, dark place. I would bring it up again to him and if it's not sinking in, maybe you need to get a separate place, so he can live on his own and so you can get to know each other again.
Good Luck.
Two things I am going to recommened to you. Firstly go and buy the book 'Out Of The Shadows' By Patrick Carnes MD, its available privately on Amazon.com.
Sadly it is not the first time you have dealt with this addiction. It is time you learn what this addiction is about. This knowledge will give you the strength to decide which direction you wish to take.
Secondly, i very much recommend you get some form of counselling or therapy. Because you have dealt with this twice now, i fear these ghosts will follow you around through any future relationships. It affects are self esteem, trust, and worthiness issues. So please seek help now, whether you stay or go.
I know you angry now, thats absolutely your right, but please work on understanding it, this knowledge does help. Not only you, but him. And i implore you both to begin talking to one another, and listening, if you wish to move forward.
All the best.
"Another huge red flag for me was he couldn't get erect when we had sex. At first I thought it may be a medical condition, but I also noticed that he wouldn't look at me during sex, and that he didn't really know how to intimately make love to a women. The only way he could climax was by M or oral sex. I didnâ??t bring it up to him because I didnâ??t want to embarrass him."
I would be concerned about these two thoughts. One...this is a very short term relationship to be deeply involved. And two. this is a very short relationship to have sexual problems already.
If he can't look at you and have sex and he can't climax with you, what is the attraction? He doesn't know how to have sex with a woman? Where did he learn the oral sex then? You are concerned that he might be embarrassed? Why? He is doing what he wants isn't he? Are you? Do you enjoy the M and oral or are you doing it just for him??? How are your needs being met? Are they being met at all? And if they're not, what is the attraction?
These are just the questions that would enter my mind at first thought.