I also want to add that I don't feel this way because of me, I feel this way because of what he was doing every other time "his phone was dead" while still actively a sex addict. I am now a generally untrusting person... I wasn't before!

This stuff is so painful and difficult, but hang in there! I completely understand your reactions because I've had them, too. But I do believe that I am getting better. He is definitely building trust with me by going the extra mile to calm me, and I am doing my part by getting my own therapist, journaling and trying to meditate/ exercise. If you both are sincerely working on it, there's lots of reasons to Hope that the tensions will ease.

Let me share this strategy, too. I've been using sports analogies with my husband, which I'm really bad at but that's OK because it makes him laugh & shake his head. But, he can tell that I am trying and (weirdly enough) I think sports analogies DO work for men to help them grapple with something as complicated as women's emotions. So... Something like this: right now, you are on the disabled list because of a repetitive stress injury (true, right?) and you & he (as your teammate) need to take some extra care while you heal. This won't be forever (I think that's what my husband worries about) but you do need to heal . And, ask him to please have faith in you because he wouldn't have chosen you for his team if he didn't think you were FANTASTIC and had incredible potential for tournament play. I know this sounds goofy, but it kinda works!!! :)

The problem is that hes not doing anything in our relationship to build trust other then claim he is being honest when he slips. Hes not improving much else between us. The same stuff that has suffered over the years, is still suffering! Only its worse now because of everything he has done. I didn't feel as though he was cheating on me I knew his phone died but its just him going that extra mile. After 2 years of working on this he has not really put in the effort where the relationship is concerned. We are going to start marriage counseling however. I already went through counseling myself and am really ok most of the time. Its just stuff like this that most everyone I know says "Sunshine his phone just died that all, no big deal". Only it is because of our past. He has cheated 8+ times and it could happen again here at home even though he only cheated when away.

I'm right there with you right now...
One thing is for sure - once burned (or 5 or 8 or more) always shy of the fire! Let's all just face the fact that 100% TRUST NEVER COMES BACK, period! NEVER.

One thing about the nature of women - we might choose to forgive, but our memories are flawless - and self protection of our heart/feelings are at the forefront. So naturally, being suspicious of a spouse/partner's actions & motivations (or lack thereof) will always come into question.

In my opinion, if an addict husband truly cares about his wife's/partner's feelings, trust and security, he would bend over backwards, do headstands and lasso the moon to eagerly always show where he is and what he's doing, bar none!

So YES - he should have borrowed his counselor's phone, or better yet, asked his counselor to call you, to say, "he's here with me, his phone died, he plans to go to the store (or not), just wanted to let you know." - of which I'm SURE the counselor (if he/she is worth anything) would have actually encouraged!

Some - ok, most - men don't think about, or consider our feelings, nor how we tend to run off with the worst case scenario in our heads - ESPECIALLY if it's happened before!
They consider us to be reactionary, over the top, hysterical, worry warts and more!

IF *I* WERE a vengeful person, I would "give my H some of his own medicine" so he could see things from MY side of the fence for once. AKA 'Karma'. They simply have NO idea what they put us through - or what this smut crap does to our self esteem.

I highly doubt that my H would be as "understanding", forgiving, tolerant or willing to 'work things out' as I have been with him!!

it's not you.

Only... I actually inadvertently gave him a taste of his own medicine just a week later. My phone messed up while at a friends house and I didn't borrow her phone to call and he was so mad because I was an hour late coming home... Well I felt bad but then I didn't. I told him that it was good for him to know how I feel a lot of the time that he does that. He stated that it was different and I said no worry is worry no matter about your well being or what you may be up to, it is all gut wrenching and makes you want to throw up. There has been a small improvement. He has begun calling more instead of leaving it to chance in most situations, work related long periods away from the desk stuff. Lets face it... You have been int he military for 15 years and you have cheated with a few military women, be it away or not, I see it as very likely that it may happen again.

Other things are starting to improve some but its too slow of a process for me. I am ready to move on and he is still stuck almost where he used to be. I agree that with this kind of torment, being cheated on 8+ times in the last 12 years and all the porn and attempted cheating, he should bend over backwards to show me that I am what he wants, that HE does love me as he says, and frankly SHOULD lasso the moon for me. But I know that is not who he is and I will never get that.

I would much rather be alone. I do not want another man in my life and therefor would love to just move on with my life independently. It is so hard to be independent that when you have a spouse still living with you that is supposed to be dependable, ya know. To me if you are my spouse and you are not someone I can lean on then there is no reason for you to be my spouse. He is supposed to be my supporter and person to lean on through life, we are supposed to lean on each other and support each other. I have done that for him for 17 years almost and well I am no longer in supportive role. I am in survival mode for sure.

We are going to go to marriage counseling once I can find one that has experience with sex addiction. I am sure that will help but not sure if it will be enough. My husband is already emotionally checked out thanks to his childhood examples of what a marriage is (his mom and dad are literally roommates and have been for years since he cheated on her 24 years ago). I honestly do not see me winning many of the things I want out of our marriage so I do think it is better to move on... Rambling now so I will end this post :)

Thank you all for your replies!

the truth will set you free. it did for me. i looked at myself in the mirror one day and had a conversation. it sounds crazy but the truth was...i didn't want to have his crap keeping me down any longer. i was tired and depressed...and i was tired of being tired and depressed. i said," today is the day i will set myself free of my H's addiction." it worked. it was difficult...but i did it. i was so tired of fitting a round peg into a square hole.

i was hoping that he would follow my lead...instead, he picked up the phone and called one of his sex partners. the end.