Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
Hello,
My boyfriend is a sex addict. He is currently getting counseling, doing the 12 steps, and on a good path. I have noticed that he does check his phone a lot and gets texts really late at night. I asked him if he is texting other woman and he said a couple of woman he met online. He said that they are friends. He and I met online. I am conflicted about checking his phone. I do love him so much!!! Maybe I am just scared to know. Has anyone had to deal with this before and what would you do?
My boyfriend is a sex addict. He is currently getting counseling, doing the 12 steps, and on a good path. I have noticed that he does check his phone a lot and gets texts really late at night. I asked him if he is texting other woman and he said a couple of woman he met online. He said that they are friends. He and I met online. I am conflicted about checking his phone. I do love him so much!!! Maybe I am just scared to know. Has anyone had to deal with this before and what would you do?
Thanks for reaching out. I have not had a texting issue but have been with/married to a sex addict for 24 years. We are currently separated but i have still not decided whether to get a divorce. I am 64 years old. I give you this brief info so you can put my answer in context. My answer could vary a bit depending on your age, time you've been together, his type of sex addiction, your issues etc.
First, I am really happy to hear that your boyfriend is in counseling and doing the Steps. It is also good that he is being honest with you about who the texts are from. Addicts are notorious for lying about things even when they don't have to. It is almost an automatic response even when they get "more healthy."
One of things I have learned is to trust myself. Sometimes I may be over reacting because of our history and my issues but most of the time, if something bothered me or didn't seem right - in the end, it wasn't. Something was going on. I have also learned that sex addicts, unless they are 100% committed to getting "sober," will dance around the ages and then eventually fall in.
Because I am older and married, I would not be happy with my husband texting women unless it was business related or for some other good reason - not late at night and socially. I would worry that this would eventually lead to something else. It is hard to answer your question because I want YOU to be happy and healthy. I still battle with "checking up" on my husband although others on this site have a very different opinion. It is a very delicate balance. I have found out about all of my husband's relapses because I did check up on him BUT I also know that I do not want to live my life like this. Trust is the foundation of a strong relationship. It can be broken and re-earned but if it is broken too many times, it doesn't come back. And why be in a relationship like that? Could you tell your boyfriend how you feel about this?
As most of the people here would tell you, it would be really helpful if you had someone to talk to professionally. It is really helpful to be able to talk about this with someone who comes to learn about you and the situation. This is not the kind of thing that is easy to talk about with family and friends. Everyone comes with their own agenda whether they try to or not. I hope you find the right answers and some peace. I know how horrible this is!