I have probably always know that my high school sweet heart was a sex addict. When he was a kid, before his teen years, he was given a magazine after he was found snooping in his fathers things. This was probably the beginning. While there were little signs of it back then it was very clear when we moved in together in 2000. I walked in on him numerous times "in the act" and just knew this was a problem. If you jump on the computer EVERY time I leave to do this, it's a problem. My mom passed away soon after we moved in together and in a rush, and me still in grief from her passing, we got married right after 9/11 happened (he's a military man).

Worst decision ever but he was a part of my life with my mom and I didn't want to let go. When our finances combined I soon discovered how deep his addiction went. We were paying lots of money for his porn subscriptions that were being sent to numerous hidden email accounts. Soon after i discovered this, while he was on deployment, I began a plan to leave and did a year and a half later. We were separated for a year and a half and it was the most awesome year and half I have ever had! He helped me with financially a ton while we were separated which was awesome, but it kept me wondering what if...

So we got back together after he had a major accident at work and realized how much he loved me and wanted me back. 3 months later I found out about an affair he had been having before we separated for a year and a half, while we were in marriage counseling mind you, and was devestated but wasn't ready to give up. Our marriage was crap before and we were both at fault for that, not just him. So I stayed but nothing got better. I was to that point again when I wanted to just say forget it this is not worth it when I found out I was pregnant with our first.

Now I grew up with out a good father figure and while he had his short comings of relationship stuff and the porn stuff he wasn't so bad. So i stayed and our next duty station was in Japan. Things got so much worse over there between us. No intimacy feeling, him not trying, and he was gone ALL the time because it was sea duty. We got pregnant with our second while over there during a burst off good that he had and then it was back crap again when I was pregnant. When he would be gone he was the usual him, short email and short communications, but I only suspected once that he had cheated.

He came home from one deployment when our youngest was about 8 months old and later in the same night he told be had slept with a prostitute while in Thialand and I was shattered. I screamed and cried and then calmed down. The next three weeks with her were amazing, the best three weeks we have ever had to this day as a married couple. I was sad sure but he was more affectionate and attentive then he had ever been. This was in November of 2010.

Fast forward to September the next year and we are back stateside and living in our new place but something still isn't right. I bug him and bug him and he finally breaks down and over a 4 day time span he reveals countless lies that he had to me, times of staying out in hotels when he said he wouldn't; going to strip clubs; drinking and flirting; and finally that he had cheated a total of 8 time starting back when we were dating, 5 of which were while we were in Japan and with prostitutes, 1 I had known about, an ex-girlfirend, and a random chick while he was on det that he was working with there. I was shattered four days in a row. I never raised my voice or got out of control. He was admitting to me he had a problem and that he needed help. He didn't want to be like this anymore. He loved me and wanted to make things right. And he did it all. He has had a few backslides but only involving porn. He continues to go to counseling, docs for his meds (he has depression and ADD as well) and he goes to group. He has times when he stops going and I get on him to go back and he does. He is also getting out of the navy before his next sea duty tour as i refuse to stick by his side during another deployment. It was either the Navy or his family.

Our biggest problem is that he is unable to show affection to me. He is the mirror image of his parents marriage. However this keeps me from feeling loved by him. I would leave because it is that bad but what about our two girls who are 5 1/2 and 2 1/2? If I leave he will go back to what he was for sure and they won't have a father at all. If it was just me I never would have made it to Japan to be honest, lol, I would have left back then cause I could sense it. I have no real family to speak of but I am sure I would still be welcome at his house, his whole family knows what he has done as he confessed it to them, so they need their father and they need him to be stronger than what he has been. i don't know that I can ever let go of what he has done, or forgive him completely, but these girls love their daddy and he is a good daddy to them mostly, so how do I pull that from them?

I have been through counseling and stopped going as the counselor called me a co-dependant. I do not like that term as this is not how I feel I am. I could leave and be happy and I know it. But it's not about me anymore it's about the girls. So if I am staying I think my needs should attempted to be met if he says he wants to still be married to me, right? I don't search through his stuff anymore unless I really have a red flag, like when I was working and came home to get something and the doors were locked for some apparent reason, yeah I checked his computer. I don't try to control him just let him know what I need and what he can do to meet those needs. It does require change but that is his choice if he wants us to be together. I am in a really good place but still feel stuck. I am also missing my mom as it is the holidays so I know I have an increased need of attention from him, duh! I just want to be on my own like I was all those times he left and did whatever he wanted while I took care of the kids, only I still want to be a mom not a carefree teen! Thank you for reading, I know it was long!