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EmTheo 08/12/2009

Does anyone recall the title of the thread where spyware was discussed? I wanted to go back and re-read it... because I am considering it. I'm afraid though... the thought of him finding out what I'm doing is scary. It also seems like a breach of trust...because I think he may tell me and be somewhat honest if I simply asked what he has been looking at. And we are so low on the trust scale anyway...why breach more than necessary? And that is a line I've never crossed...and I don't trust him with much, but I really do trust him to stay out of MY stuff. My stuff being writing out my feelings for the past several years. So it seems like I would be risking tempting him to start getting into my journals if he ever found out I was spying on him...and that would just lead to a whole new can of craziness and distrust on a whole new level. On the other hand...addicts lie. Notice I say he would be SOMEWHAT honest. I have never been obsessive about his activities in several years...I trusted God to reveal to me what I needed to know and it was revealed to me in important ways. So part of me is thinking why veer from that policy that seems to be working for me? But part of me is thinking this isn't obsessive thinking just adding to the craziness...it could be a clear-headed, rational decision I am making with both feet on the ground. What any intelligent person would do to protect her child and who wants to know the truth....

deleted_user 08/12/2009

Is this the one you're thinking of?
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/spouse-of-sexaholics/discussions/messages/7508409

Good luck with making a decision.

deleted_user 08/13/2009

There have been many posts here and the main board in the time I've been here. There is a post in the main board right now

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Sex_Pornography_Addiction/forum/7736882-best-porn-filter

Learningskills 08/13/2009

Your journals are your struggle with problems he caused. They are not without cause and were not done to harm him. What he did was. There's a large difference there to me. I wouldn't give my H access to my journals, ever. I don't feel it is his right. I was not the deceiver...that was him. He created the mistrust...I didn't. His job to fix...not mine. And, if you'e still afraid to talk to him about anything he has said or done, then you need to have a good look at why. I will ask my H anything I like. I give me permission. I have a right to know....he didn't have a right to lie. You said, "he may tell me and be somewhat honest if I simply asked what he has been looking at." Somewhat....is not honest. Somewhat...is subtrofuge. Simple and pure. Truth is always truth. Why are you afraid? What of?

deleted_user 08/14/2009

That attitude seems like it would set up resentment to me. I say that trust works both ways. I can't expect him to be transparent with me if I'm not transparent with him.

EmTheo 08/15/2009

Yeah... today (I keep changing) I am leaning toward not...for that reason that trust works both ways. I'm really struggling with finding that fine line of staying out of his "stuff" and letting go so he can find his own path to healing... letting him take ownership/responsibility of it...and trying to figure out how i can be there for him if he needs me to help him find his way back to pride in himself (as i write this i realize that has to wait...i can't help him with the pride issue...maybe someday down the road). Balancing all that with my need to know what I am dealing with here exactly and if I need to be concerned for myself and my son in a bigger way than i already am.

To the question of what am i afraid of... I don't have an easy answer to that. Probably a ton of things... and I am probably not totally free yet of his manipulation of me and my responses to SA. One thing that comes to mind is i am afraid of putting on spywear, crossing a line that breaks his trust in me, and then him losing even more pride in himself...then resentment...and backlashing defensively farther away from recovery. i also fear losing a small sense of my own dignity if i did it. Some would probably say it is perfectly rational, sound thinking and I lose dignity if I DON'T do it... but it just doesn't feel that way in my gut. Things feel fragile right now. Like it is an important time and we are either on the cusp of powerful healing for both of us or tipping into breaking each other's trust and diving back down into pure craziness again.

Thanks. Peace to everybody tonight...

deleted_user 08/19/2009

EmTheo,

I put webwatcher on my H's computer without his knowledge initially. I wanted to KNOW he was serious about recovery, I wanted to KNOW his integrity when I wasn't around. In hindsight he was doing very well with recovery, he was viewing porn/porn like sites less and less. But when there was a slip-up and he began an inappropriate conversation, I confronted him head on. In doing so I had to reveal that I could see everyhting he did on his computer even when he was 150 miles away.

We continued our lessons in Recovery Nation and reviewed what we had already learned and worked through it. In the end he said he wished I had told him I put the webwatcher on his computer in the beginning. Even though he felt the initial betrayal, he also felt comfort in knowing that I had his back and that I KNEW what he was doing and still loved him.

Now that he knows I am capable of this and much more he says he feels comfort in having such close accountability. This has helped considerably, but we have a balance. We can now talk openly about issues concerning his addiction. His feelings and my feelings. He knows he can tell me when he is struggling and I can separate it from his views of me, then we can work on it.

Internet accountability can be a real asset to recovery! Not only to the spouse in knowing what is going on, but also to the SA in having the comfort and safety of someone watching over him and giving encouragment along the way.

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