There is no group like that here. So, you ladies are my sponsers.

I'm just impressed that you went to the meeting at all. You are so brave and that will carry you through. I think there is a group like that here, but by the time I got around to thinking I could maybe actually attend a meeting, other concerns had pushed the SA to the back burner. I have to say that situation does little for my healing! I'll be watching for tips from everyone here (also my support group, sponsor, lifesavers, etc).

This is the first group setting I have been able to attend. I don't feel my fears of groups would allow me to attend. In january I will have to attended my first s-anon meeting in person. While this may be scary to me it is more than likely going to be the only place I feel relief, and hope that I will be allowed to use my laptop for support from all of you.

Please tell us more about your group as I have no clue about them. I know that my H has a sponsor and he calls him everyday to atleast check in but that is from the SA side not sure about our side. I would call and simple ask what the rules are and how does this work. I am sure that if she has accepted the role she would be more than happy to help you with what would seem to be a very common question.
Let me know what she says so if in the future I were to get one I would know how it works. The first step for me is to walk though the doors...hugs

I envy you for going I know they help. I wish I had your couarage to go.

Wow! What a great step! I hear you. I have always felt proud of the way I was able to handle personal issues, family feuds, personal pain honestly, own my stuff and see clearly through the muck to a healthier me, but I think I need help too, I know I do. Good for you! I have been described by a therapist as a a"wanna be" codependent, not really terribly codependent. But I can't do this alone and it most certainly couldn't hurt, as of course I have done things, accepted things that normally wouldn't, although the bit*h is coming back - LOL. But, I need help. Keep us posted. I really hope this expedites your healing process and helps fortify you for all the life trials you face in the future. I don't know you, but honest to God feel proud of you. I could identify with your post.

I go to a COSA group here and have found it to be the safest place I can be. Women who truly understand the deep pain. I hope you find that too. I don't have a formal sponsor yet but have found I can pick up the phone or go to a meeting and find someone who understands and even some who will tell me there might be a different way to look at it. This site has been very inspiring and enlightening too. Many thanks to those who have stayed around to show that hope does exist.

For anyone who is near a meeting, has thoughts of going and thinks they may have a need for it, I encourage you to go. It was the SAs on the main board who first encouraged me to go...when i expressed an interest but couldn't quite get my *** through the doors. It felt embarrassing to admit i needed a group like that, but like Cyn says, it is a very safe place... it felt like rubbing medicated lotion on dry, rashy skin...hearing painful stories in person didn't smell the best at first, but the result was amazingly soothing and healing to me. I don't always agree 100% with the s-anon position that we are "co-addicts", but I can sort though the things that help me there and what doesn't. Also just showing up and being there to listen without saying anything can be a help to others. My sponsor and I are just getting started in figuring out how she can be a help to me going forward... but whatever shape this takes, I'm pretty sure she will help me and we will help each other in continuing to move forward out of the pain and confusion of SA.

Something that is on my mind this week: my therapist asked me to speak at his church about SA and my recovery from it as a spouse. About 150 people attend. I haven't agreed to this yet. On first thought - that is a totally crazy idea that could potentially be damaging to my family and our privacy. On second thought, if it helps one person it may be worth it... I want to do it, but am terrified at the thought. But it seems like it could help crack through the shame and damaging silence of this...
Thoughts?

I decided not to speak publicly about SA yet. I'm going to wait until I've done more personal work with the 12 steps and feel a little more grounded. My story is my own and precious. The pain still needs to be held, examined, cradled by me before I release it out into the open like that. But I can see speaking being in my future at some point. I think i need to prove to myself that it can be done... that the shame of SA and being the spouse of an SA can't silence me. Can't dictate or rule me to the point of never coming out...

Hi I'm Raids and I have just recently joined this website. I am a member of AA for the past year and I find the 12 Step Program a wonderful way to live. I believe my husband to be a sex addict - why? He looks at a lot of pornographic material on the net, and also visits prostitutes on holiday. This is never talked about, he has some idea that I know but refuses to discuss when I find the courage to bring it up. For many years I drank to numb a lot of pain including this and I am extremely happy to be where I am today. With my therapist I am working through a lot of issues. I live outside the US and we dont have anything like the meetings you describe. Just reading this post I admire the openness that is shared and I know I am in the right place. I have never shared any of this until very recently with my therapist and a close & trusted friend. Also from reading your shares I can now accept that this is painful but I am not alone. Thank you

HI Guys,

I am ashamed to say I have never gotten a sponsor. I had some not so good experiences i meetings so that is why i am here. I totally support the 12 step idea and in fact have finally decided to do a couples work book with my h. I know he can't be my sponsor either but I still want to do the 12 steps and really after almost 2 years of recovery it seems kinda pointless to back track now. I may join a women's phone group lead by a therapist that also does the 12 steps but would still be without a sponsor. With this said I would probably not recommend the way that I have done it. I still have issues with trusting women, which is one of the reasons these groups are so helpful in that they give you connections that are deep and lasting. It also helps to have face to face mirroring. Well as I'm writing this I am realizing how important they are...so I suppose that will be a new step for me to somehow join a group.

And Raids welcome, we have another from down-under. Her name is TrinaOz. She is our administrater. Glad to see your here.

Thanks ladies,

Lorilou

Good for you Em!!
Gosh i wish i had that kind of opportunity available to me. This group here at DS is all I have for personal support from others who understand. Best thing i ever found.

Welcome Raids, glad you found us, you are no longer alone :)

Lorilou - "face to face mirroring" is a good way to describe what I get out of the meetings. I grew up in a family where sharing feelings and expressing private information wasn't exactly top on the list of allowed behaviors. Sometimes I find myself in therapy going "huh? you expect me to share thoughts? where/how do I start?" I felt like I needed a training video in how to do it...and a meeting is that training video for me. I can see how others do it and then it starts to flow out of me. I'm glad you are thinking of joining a group!

For those who don't have groups around you, a possibility may be starting your own?? I've heard stories of people starting one up (could be in the same building space as AA to start out) and sitting in a room by themselves or with one other person week after week until others found their way there (probably through the s-anon site) and finally started to show up. Eventually they needed a bigger room to accomodate the crowd. I know that would take a lot of time that is hard to come by. My group has about 8-12 women on any given evening and an occasional h who is dealing with SA as spouse. I also realize it might be very difficult to do this and remain anonymous in a small town...