Oh Sunny, so much to think over and deal with. Sounds like your life together is on hold until he gets out of the military or did I misunderstand? And there are two issues to prevent getting out of the military (job and medical)? Why are you concerned that he might not be able to get a job? Specific reason or just the overall job market. It must be hard to balance plans for the future when you don't know if he will be able to work outside the military. Sounds like if he does have to re-enlist that California would be where you would be most comfortable? I do know with time, decisions become easier for me. When I'm first hit with someone thing, I'm all over the board. Hopefully, things will become clearer for you. Meanwhile, I hope you will check in here often. I know it helps me. Sending you love and peace.

The jobs he will most likely seek are with companies that contract from the military and there is no telling if they will be hiring in the new year. It is more likely they will be laying off if the military funding keeps getting cut. And yes california is the best place for us but its the worst duty station as it is in the middle of no where and I haven't found one person that has liked it. And I won't put us on hold until he gets out of the military but him going out on sea duty and deploying is bound to end our marriage. He will spend 7, 8, 9 months on a boat and stopping in ports during a three year period ( he could have 3 of those long deployments) so I just don't see how we could make it. That is a lot of time apart and when we are apart he is his worst with the sex addiction. Thank you for your response though I appreciate it for sure. Its been a rough month thinking about all this.

What are his thoughts on this.....that will tell you something of where his mind is. If he is willing to sacrifice and go to California then you know his marriage is very important. But addicts do a very good job at lying to themselves and be very sincere at the time. Ex: I will NOT act out if I get sent to sea again. He will mean it at the time. But with no support system, it will be difficult. You are in a very difficult situation. Our military make huge sacrifices for us. Thank you. Can he interview now? You may be fretting for nothing.

His thoughts are that he can do this. That he has changed enough to know what to stay away from while deployed. He told me last night if we stay in he won't make me regret it. I told him he first has to make me not regret giving him this chance and then he can work on the future. He is always so sure and so gun ho but then gets depressed and becomes weak and just goes with whomever. I will have to say he has been clean of porn and another with his addiction for almost 6 months now and that is the longest period of time. But then yesterday he got really stressed at work and impulsively decided to smoke after quitting that over a year ago... Doesn't really help his case ya know. I am feeling better about staying in and just finishing up and trying to get orders to where a good friend of mine is also going to be who has been through an affair with her current husband (so she is a good source of support) But you are right Cyn addicts live in the moment and can promise you anything in the moment. I wanted to see long term change in him to be sure that he will still work the program when he goes and all that and he just hasn't done this yet. I think that's what makes it the hardest.

I can honestly say that I have been there,because I have been a military wife for over 25 years...
Eleven years with my first H, who was in the Air Force. He went on remote tour to Korea in 1989 for a solid year, but we didn't have fidelity issues or sex addict issues - he was abusive & I divorced his ass in 1991.

My 2nd (current) H went into the Navy after we'd been dating for two years so he could get training & skills to get a good civilian job. He was in for 8 years (two med cruises and stationed in Jacksonville FL with his brother who was also in the Navy, "brother duty") while I stayed in Arkansas with three kids, two from the first marriage and one from him.
He came home to live with us again in 1998. Our daughter was 3yrs old and barely knew her daddy.
He went into the Naval Reserves & drilled in Memphis - until they deployed him for a month, but "forgot" to pay him. They called here asking for him, saying that he was AWOL, when he had physical orders IN HAND!
Well, it tool 6 months for him to get paid for that one month, because the right hand wasn't talking to the left hand & he'd had enough of that, so he went into the Air National Guard.
He drilled in Hot Springs, AR for them - until his time to re-inlist - and then would have been sent overseas to Affganistan.
That was enough for me, because I was not having him come home in a body bag! So instead of retiring from the military after 20 yrs, he got out and became a civilian.
Yes, being a military wife is REALLY a bitch, plus some.
I always said that the bases don't have enough support for the spouses and families, but a long shot. I hope it's better now, but I doubt it.

All that said - my husband now works for an aircraft building company and makes excellent wages, far more than the military could ever pay - but he also occasionally has to travel.
And that's how I found out about his "emotional affair" in 2008 and also his porn addiction.
Last year he was sent to France for two weeks. I knew without having to ask, that he acted out.
This year in June, he was sent to France again for a week. Of course, he looked at porn while he was there.
So yes, the addict traveling alone is definitely a major issue.
If your H stays in the military and he does have to travel, is there ANY kind of support in place on the ship or bases/ports which he will be in?
Without some kind of accountability or support, it's really going to be a rough ride - and YOU must be able to feel safe in that, period!

Wow! The military can be such a hard life and while yes many of us know that going in, there are so many other aspects that not all couples go through that makes military life all that much harder. I think we have decided to stay in. There are too many reason to stay in and too many reason to not get out for us to take that plunge. It wouldn't be the right move in securing support for our fmaily. We have discussed in depth what will happen when he goes out this time for deployment. It is a must that as soon as we get to the next duty station he gets to know the Chaplin from the command he is in and one higher up that he can talk to about being put on boat restriction while in port and only getting of the boat on duty. He will also have a card that I will put money on, 25 bucks maybe, each day he is on duty. He will also have a set amount on how much he can have in his boat acount to ensure he doesn't borrow money from someone and pay them back that way. Lucky for me he has tried everything in the past and I just did whatever not realizing what he was doing with all this money so I am pretty wise to keeping him on limited funds ;) Thanks for sharing though. Its nice to know someone else knows the feeling of military life and sex addiction and how hard it can be.

WOW!!! My H is a reservist and I've always called the army his dating pool. Always an easy way for him to stray, and he doesn't even always go away for weeks or moths at a time. Just overnighters. It's such an easy out for them.
SO much on your plate. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing you are not alone.
Sounds like you have an excellent plan in place. Wish I knew about this stuff while he was deployed back in 2001.

Yes, for sure, any kind of traveling or being away, not just military = trouble and not being trustworthy!

I get that only, any kind of traveling he does freaks me out. However with the military they go to all these different country and in many of them the laws about prostitution are different and many women just wait for the boat to pull in for them to jump on a military man. It can be more in their face. Not to mention most of them have that mental " What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas" and many military men cheat, not all, but many. We once had a counselor who did not know what branch of military he was in but once I strted talking she said that a lot of her patients with SA were Navy Men. I can really see it now :) Thank you all for replying.

Sunshine (I have to say that I like your screen name, its my real name) My plan is getting more and more in place as we decide to stay in. I plan on making sure that my H is in touch with the chaplin before we even move there. I am not giving up for sure. I just know that he has to have someone for accountability while out there otherwise he is screwed. But I want us to meet with the chaplin as well before he deploys.