Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
Ok guys,
I'm going to do a Trina and share some of this very important book with you all even though it is quite long. NOTE the ***** denote pointers to overcome symptoms of relational trauma experienced due to the actions of your sexually-addicted spouse.
This is from the book I've been talking about "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" by Barbara Steffens & Marsha Means.
pp. 6-16
"Psychoological trauma frequently accompanies natural disasters and catastophic events, but is also accompanies personal and rellational traumatic events, such as sexual abuse, rape domestic violence, ongoing emotional and verbal abuse, long-term extreme poverty and sexual betrayal. Such events cause intense psychological pain and overwhelm our ability to cope or to readily integrate the violations and emotions produced by these experiences..."
"TRAMA'S SYMPTOMS AND ITS LONG-LASTING EFFECTS"
"The syptoms experienced following emotionally traumatic events may vary from person to person depending on several factors, including personal history, the type of traumatice event experienced, the amount and kind of supprt available to help one grieve and heal and whether the "victim" remains in an unsafe environment or relationsip. But regardless of these factors, a long list of typical symptoms flood into our lives, some immediately and others delayed in their arrivals. These sypmtoms can include the following, among others...
Hyperarousal; helplessness; sleeplessness; immobility; reliving the event; hypervigilance; anxiety; nightmares; intrusive images; panic attacks; oversensitivity; dissociation; health problems; withdwawing; phobias; depression inablity to eat; chronic fatigue; avoidance; flashbacks; rstlessness; overeating; immune/endocrin system porblems; mood swings denial; confusion; rage.
ON A PERSONAL NOTE: Which of these sypmtoms have you experienced as you've struggled to deal with your partner's sex addiction?
*****Examining this list, it becomes clear that traumatic events in our lives need to be taken seriously. When traumatized, we need support and helpful resouces in order to heal and avoid long-term chronic trauma symtoms. without help and support, trauma can weave its way throughout an entire life and create patterns that can have crippling effects."
"Relational Traumas"
"Relational traumas, often called attachment injuries, occur when one person betrays, abondons or refuses to provide support for another with whom he or she has developed an attachment bond."
"Research indictes that following a relational trauma we begin to focus our efforts to ineract with others in one of two ways: We may attempt to get our partner to reconnect with us, or we may do the opposit and buld emotional walls to defend ourselves from his or her lack of care. In doing either of these actions, it's likely we'll begin to display many of the PTSD symptoms listed above."
"INFEDELITY AND RELATIONAL TRAUMA"
"Whithin the community of professionals who focus their work on infidelity in committed relationships (rather than on sex addiction), trauma recognition abounds."
"...Another [researcher] reported that the news of a partner's infidelity "sends a jolt of adrenaline into the body that sets off a stress reaction." And others have written that in cases of infidelity they see emotional responses replicating those of other traumatic events, including shock, repression, denial, intense mood fluctuations, depression, anxiety and lowered self-esteem. They also report that healing from the pain of infidelity shares many similarities with healing from other kinds of traumatic events."
"And so we ask...
If counselors recognize that infidelity in a commmitted relatiosnship creates trauma, why don't they recognize that sex addiction incites similar effects, especially for those who experience the sexual betrayal--whatever form it takes--as a breach of the marital promise? And what about the fact that sexual addiction generally involves multiple acts of breaking the marital promise?"
"...Due to the absence of available help, many women and some men tell us that they feel misunderstood, invalidated, lost and alone in their efforts to heal their pain and the impact the addiction has on their marriages.
"What We See in Our Work with Partners"
"We find that nearly all partners of sex addicts we encounter bear the symptoms, express the feelings and report the experiences described earlier as a result of the shock and pain diclosure of a sex addiction can bring to their lives. Yet few in the helping proffessions view a partner's pain and symptoms as coming from the trauma the partner has experienced."
"Many recognize it as a traumatic event initially, but most soon try to turn the person toward forgiving, moving on and dealing with his or her own "stuff."
"Other counselors encourage the hurt perople to join their partners' addictive behaviors, which many say only adds to their confusion. They know what they feel in response to their spouses' sexual choices: It hurts. Howerver, a professional is now advising them to participate, causing them to question their own intincts, needs and judgment."
"Both of these responses leave women and men experiencing a partner's sexual addction emotionally lost and without the validation they desperately need for their extreme trauma pain. This leave the partners of sex addicts without the help and resouces they need so they can heal and move on."
*******"We've found that once the hurt partner feels heard, understood, validated, supported and equipped to deal with the current pain, in time we can help the person move through a process that will enable him or her to look at other areas where new growth and new skills woould better equip the person for life with (or, if s/he chooses, without) the sexually addicted partner."
"While many who work with hurting partners do help them process their grief and loss, at least for a time, most simultaineously treat their symptoms and feeelings from the commonly held perspective that the partner is a CO-ADDICT AND THEREFORE CODEPENDENT to both the partner and that person's addictive behavior."
"From that perspective...
********* "most mental health professionals prescribe changes in thought patterns, emotions, relational interactions and quite often 12-step program participation, none of which is bad. Indeed, those things can prove beneficial in everyone's life and they [are enormously beneficial but aren't enough to help heal and avoid long term stress or worse, post-traumatic stress disorder.]"
"SADLY, WHEN A PARTNER "FAILS TO FOLLOW" PROFESSIONAL ADVICE OR SYPMPTOMS DRAG ON, RICOCHETIG EMOTIONS AND BEHAVIORS ONLY REINFORCE THE BELIEF THAT HE OR SHE PORTRAYS THE UNHEALTHY CO-ADDICT CONDITION."
"HOWEVER, WE BELIEVE THAT WHILE ONE IS SUFFERING FROM TRAUMA SYMPTOMS, THE HURT PERSON WILL LIKELY FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTROL THOUGHTS, FEELINGS AND RELATIONAL INTERACTIONS AS PRESCRIBED IN CODEPENDENCY AND 12-STEP LITERATURE UNLESS THAT PERSON RECIEVES HELP TO HEAL FROM THE TRAUMA FIRST, OR AT LEAST SIMULTANEOUSLY. WE INTERPRET THE HURT PARTNER'S INABILITY NOT AS FURTHER EVIDENCE OF CODEPENDENCY, BUT INSTEAD AS LIKELY BEING NATURAL HUMAN REACTION TO RELATIONAL TRAUMA."
I love that last statment!!!!!!
Lorilou
I'm going to do a Trina and share some of this very important book with you all even though it is quite long. NOTE the ***** denote pointers to overcome symptoms of relational trauma experienced due to the actions of your sexually-addicted spouse.
This is from the book I've been talking about "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" by Barbara Steffens & Marsha Means.
pp. 6-16
"Psychoological trauma frequently accompanies natural disasters and catastophic events, but is also accompanies personal and rellational traumatic events, such as sexual abuse, rape domestic violence, ongoing emotional and verbal abuse, long-term extreme poverty and sexual betrayal. Such events cause intense psychological pain and overwhelm our ability to cope or to readily integrate the violations and emotions produced by these experiences..."
"TRAMA'S SYMPTOMS AND ITS LONG-LASTING EFFECTS"
"The syptoms experienced following emotionally traumatic events may vary from person to person depending on several factors, including personal history, the type of traumatice event experienced, the amount and kind of supprt available to help one grieve and heal and whether the "victim" remains in an unsafe environment or relationsip. But regardless of these factors, a long list of typical symptoms flood into our lives, some immediately and others delayed in their arrivals. These sypmtoms can include the following, among others...
Hyperarousal; helplessness; sleeplessness; immobility; reliving the event; hypervigilance; anxiety; nightmares; intrusive images; panic attacks; oversensitivity; dissociation; health problems; withdwawing; phobias; depression inablity to eat; chronic fatigue; avoidance; flashbacks; rstlessness; overeating; immune/endocrin system porblems; mood swings denial; confusion; rage.
ON A PERSONAL NOTE: Which of these sypmtoms have you experienced as you've struggled to deal with your partner's sex addiction?
*****Examining this list, it becomes clear that traumatic events in our lives need to be taken seriously. When traumatized, we need support and helpful resouces in order to heal and avoid long-term chronic trauma symtoms. without help and support, trauma can weave its way throughout an entire life and create patterns that can have crippling effects."
"Relational Traumas"
"Relational traumas, often called attachment injuries, occur when one person betrays, abondons or refuses to provide support for another with whom he or she has developed an attachment bond."
"Research indictes that following a relational trauma we begin to focus our efforts to ineract with others in one of two ways: We may attempt to get our partner to reconnect with us, or we may do the opposit and buld emotional walls to defend ourselves from his or her lack of care. In doing either of these actions, it's likely we'll begin to display many of the PTSD symptoms listed above."
"INFEDELITY AND RELATIONAL TRAUMA"
"Whithin the community of professionals who focus their work on infidelity in committed relationships (rather than on sex addiction), trauma recognition abounds."
"...Another [researcher] reported that the news of a partner's infidelity "sends a jolt of adrenaline into the body that sets off a stress reaction." And others have written that in cases of infidelity they see emotional responses replicating those of other traumatic events, including shock, repression, denial, intense mood fluctuations, depression, anxiety and lowered self-esteem. They also report that healing from the pain of infidelity shares many similarities with healing from other kinds of traumatic events."
"And so we ask...
If counselors recognize that infidelity in a commmitted relatiosnship creates trauma, why don't they recognize that sex addiction incites similar effects, especially for those who experience the sexual betrayal--whatever form it takes--as a breach of the marital promise? And what about the fact that sexual addiction generally involves multiple acts of breaking the marital promise?"
"...Due to the absence of available help, many women and some men tell us that they feel misunderstood, invalidated, lost and alone in their efforts to heal their pain and the impact the addiction has on their marriages.
"What We See in Our Work with Partners"
"We find that nearly all partners of sex addicts we encounter bear the symptoms, express the feelings and report the experiences described earlier as a result of the shock and pain diclosure of a sex addiction can bring to their lives. Yet few in the helping proffessions view a partner's pain and symptoms as coming from the trauma the partner has experienced."
"Many recognize it as a traumatic event initially, but most soon try to turn the person toward forgiving, moving on and dealing with his or her own "stuff."
"Other counselors encourage the hurt perople to join their partners' addictive behaviors, which many say only adds to their confusion. They know what they feel in response to their spouses' sexual choices: It hurts. Howerver, a professional is now advising them to participate, causing them to question their own intincts, needs and judgment."
"Both of these responses leave women and men experiencing a partner's sexual addction emotionally lost and without the validation they desperately need for their extreme trauma pain. This leave the partners of sex addicts without the help and resouces they need so they can heal and move on."
*******"We've found that once the hurt partner feels heard, understood, validated, supported and equipped to deal with the current pain, in time we can help the person move through a process that will enable him or her to look at other areas where new growth and new skills woould better equip the person for life with (or, if s/he chooses, without) the sexually addicted partner."
"While many who work with hurting partners do help them process their grief and loss, at least for a time, most simultaineously treat their symptoms and feeelings from the commonly held perspective that the partner is a CO-ADDICT AND THEREFORE CODEPENDENT to both the partner and that person's addictive behavior."
"From that perspective...
********* "most mental health professionals prescribe changes in thought patterns, emotions, relational interactions and quite often 12-step program participation, none of which is bad. Indeed, those things can prove beneficial in everyone's life and they [are enormously beneficial but aren't enough to help heal and avoid long term stress or worse, post-traumatic stress disorder.]"
"SADLY, WHEN A PARTNER "FAILS TO FOLLOW" PROFESSIONAL ADVICE OR SYPMPTOMS DRAG ON, RICOCHETIG EMOTIONS AND BEHAVIORS ONLY REINFORCE THE BELIEF THAT HE OR SHE PORTRAYS THE UNHEALTHY CO-ADDICT CONDITION."
"HOWEVER, WE BELIEVE THAT WHILE ONE IS SUFFERING FROM TRAUMA SYMPTOMS, THE HURT PERSON WILL LIKELY FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTROL THOUGHTS, FEELINGS AND RELATIONAL INTERACTIONS AS PRESCRIBED IN CODEPENDENCY AND 12-STEP LITERATURE UNLESS THAT PERSON RECIEVES HELP TO HEAL FROM THE TRAUMA FIRST, OR AT LEAST SIMULTANEOUSLY. WE INTERPRET THE HURT PARTNER'S INABILITY NOT AS FURTHER EVIDENCE OF CODEPENDENCY, BUT INSTEAD AS LIKELY BEING NATURAL HUMAN REACTION TO RELATIONAL TRAUMA."
I love that last statment!!!!!!
Lorilou
Luckily my therapist doesn't expect it. He says I can talk about anything 100 times, 1000 times if I need to... and he never suggests that I am codependent. He only tells me I shouldn't take responsibility for h's behavior.
About 11 months into recovery my h too began working on his own boundaries. Needless to say it was painful. He went from "walking on eggshells trying to please me" to a time where he all of the sudden started telling me no. I can sort of relate it to a toddler all of the sudden realizing he can say no, so he says no just for the hell of it, he says no even when he really means yes. But the good news is we got through the terrible twos of our relationship as we went further along in recovery to a new stage of recovery.
This is the good news...it sounds like what you guys are experiencing is similar to my experience. You have already gotten through the worst...You are making serious changes to your relationships and it seems now that your hs are recovering well and you are just beginning to feel confident that they will not be acting out like they used to all of the sudden the honeymoon is over. Now you are in the new phase II of recovery...something only about 2% of recovering couples ever graduate to.
So congratulate yourselves. Now the bad news...it was during this phase that for only the 2nd time in our 12 year marriage and within 11 months I had asked for a divorce. It was over something so stupid I can't even remember why I had done it. What I can remember is the incredible pain I would later realize was from PTSD which had this sneaky way of triggering old, childhood trauma inducing overwhelming fear of abandonment feelings. And true to my MO as an "avoid-ant" I decided to cut off the sourse of my pain. Here we had come so far and even at times it seemed we were closer than ever, yet the PTSD made me do previously unthinkable things. I can say even as well as my h does in recovery, even he was becoming unsympathetic to my pain. In fact it would seem that up until October when we had our last couple of therapy sessions my h was not taking me or my pain seriously.
Like you guys I felt so isolated and alone once again. But while it has only been about a months there are a few things that seem to have made a breakthrough recently. It all started a couple of months ago when I decided to make weekly appointments with a therapist who specialises in EMDR...Electromagnetic Desensitization Reprocessing...Here is a snip-it from an article I googled from http://www.emdr.com/q&a.htm#q11
1. What is EMDR?
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy treatment that was originally designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories (Shapiro, 1989a, 1989b). Shapiroâs (2001) Adaptive Information Processing model posits that EMDR facilitates the accessing and processing of traumatic memories to bring these to an adaptive resolution. After successful treatment with EMDR, affective distress is relieved, negative beliefs are reformulated, and physiological arousal is reduced. During EMDR the client attends to emotionally disturbing material in brief sequential doses while simultaneously focusing on an external stimulus. Therapist directed lateral eye movements are the most commonly used external stimulus but a variety of other stimuli including hand-tapping and audio stimulation are often used (Shapiro, 1991). Shapiro (1995) hypothesizes that EMDR facilitates the accessing of the traumatic memory network, so that information processing is enhanced, with new associations forged between the traumatic memory and more adaptive memories or information. These new associations are thought to result in complete information processing, new learning, elimination of emotional distress, and development of cognitive insights. EMDR uses a three pronged protocol: (1) the past events that have laid the groundwork for dysfunction are processed, forging new associative links with adaptive information; (2) the current circumstances that elicit distress are targeted, and internal and external triggers are desensitized; (3) imaginal templates of future events are incorporated, to assist the client in acquiring the skills needed for adaptive functioning.
Cynclaire, Van der kolk, one of the fellows at the Meadows advocates EMDR.
If you guys can find a therapist in your area that specializes in EMDR it only takes about 3 sessions on average to alleviate the symptoms of a specific trauma. But if you are like me and you are pleagued with trauma issues from childhood it may take a bit longer.
Hope this helps,
Lorilou
I have suffered bouts of depression, anxiety attacks, social withdrawal, physical symptoms, and a plethora of other problems since then. I had to learn self-taught tecniques to function. It took me years to gain peace again. It was so bad that when I slept, I would wake up and had obviously been sleeping, who knows how long, with my fists clenched. My arms would ache and I'd have to make hard effort to get my fingers to leave that position. Realllly bad! Horrible dreams.
Now, because this thing has started it again, the friend/lover turned deceiver and foe, I am just a basket case a lot of the time. Not ALL of the time. Part of my problem is that I have a lot of difficulty trusting ANYONE to get inside my head. I often feel like that's where all this started, was letting someone inside my head. I wonder if I could even let a doctor get inside my head enough to help me? Maybe later.
You are mistaken to think that you ever loose control in an EMDR session. You are fully aware and in full control. I'll briefly describe one session...There was one session where the therapist said close your eyes and concentrate on the time your mother kicked you. As I did this she began the tapping procedure on my leg. As soon as she begun this I had a very graphic and disturbing vision. I was ashamed to tell my therapist what that vision was so I told her I would go home and think about it and decide if I wanted to discuss it. She said OK. After going home, curiosity got the better of me over the next week and I ended up disclosing this information to her. It ended up being very helpful and what it symbolized was not at all what I thought she would get from it. So you see the choice was mine whether or not I tell her what is going on in my head.
Lorilou