I wish I could give you the answers. I know the place that you are in all to well. I've been there and I stayed there for a long time.
I finally made the decision to stop the snooping. It's crazy making behavior for US. It doesn't stop them, they don't "care". It's not going to change ANYTHING. It doesn't change anything. They will still deny and lie and even blame us (me).
You just have to make the decision that you are going to care for you. I know that when I stopped (and I am not perfect in this. I still find myself trying to find things out, but now I can just look at myself and say "what the hell are you doing".) and when I needed to know something, I did. God showed me and still does. I didn't/don't have to look for it. One time it was a phone charger on the floor and another time I found him with a woman. My gut knows and God leads me when It's something I need to see. So, if you can, when you catch yourself, just take a step back and do something for you. SANON helped me with this part a lot.
I just turned all my info into a lawyer today for divorce papers, took me 5 yrs to get here. Take care of you, set boundaries and find yourself some place to vent, counselor, group, etc. Take care of you.

Sunshine is correct - we've all been there. A lot of us still are!
We took a family holiday vacation last year to Branson, MO. for Christmas & stayed in a cabin. We made the mistake of taking our laptops along...
Later I found out that my H was looking at smut during that family vacation, ON CHRISTMAS, as well as before and after!!
Yeah, I was pretty hot about it.
BUT - you have to keep in mind that the addict is like a drunk driver of a racing car...
It is speeding toward you.
You cannot control the driver OR the car.
All you can do is decide to get out of the way and save yourself - or stay put and get run over, because the drunk driver is under the influence of a nasty substance - he's not in his right mind.
Setting firm boundaries helps a lot, they really do. They help to keep you safe. It also shows him that you respect yourself and that you won't take any more of his lies and other crap - plus it makes HIM responsible for his actions.
He MUST be made aware of the damage this is doing to you, to him and his life. He has to want to change. Unless and until that happens, you're on your own.
((Hugs))

I need hatelp with the boundaries concept. He does it after I go to bed at night and feels that as long as he 'doesn't rub my nose in it' - I should have no problem.

As to being aware of the damage, I've drilled this one over and over - he knows and doesn't care...

Zen - I'm new here.....and my husband isn't into porn (he graduated to the "live variety") but from what I've read, a boundary is something to protect yourself, not to change their behavior. So - for instance, if you say that you will not tolerate porn in the house and he continues to look at it - then you can do an in-house or out of house separation for a period of time, or something else that let's YOU feel safe or comfortable. Of course, addicts love to hide things, so he can go further underground. There is something called "E-blaster" that can be helpful in finding out the truth. (I installed it on my SAH's phone to see if he was trolling CL or having anymore affairs). Unfortunately God didn't always reveal things to me......and I don't like being blind sided. Another really good boundary is to say that you refuse to live with an addict that isn't in active recovery - which you can define as going to SA meetings, working the steps, going to a counselor, etc. (whatever makes you feel that he is taking recovery seriously). Doesn't sound like he is taking it seriously......

I do feel on my own mostly all the time and he's aware that I feel this way. My son and daughter in law are here right now, so I'm loving life, but they fly home in a couple of days so it'll be back to our 'normal' ~~ Christmas over, new year to look forward to. I'm trying to figure out ways to better the 'me'... women's groups, etc.

I feel better just chatting here, so thank you -

the only problem is my insecurity, according to H. the aftermath is isolation, depression, all of it.

to the rest of our world, he's the catch, greatest guy, Mr. everything - it's only me that gets to see the dirty underbelly.

pressure cooker

I understand how much of a burden it is to feel like you get the rotten side of someone, when everyone from the outside thinks he is so great and fun and sweet. This is so hard. I am new to this, and I cannot offer personal experience at all, but I can tell you that I, and I think we all, understand the feeling of isolation and insecurities. And following that is anger for me, that he makes me feel isolated and insecure.
So far, the best advice I have been told is to think about yourself and what might possibly get 'yourself' back on track. On this last day of 2013, I am hoping we all have a wonderful new year ahead of us. I pray that we can somehow find peace and happiness, whether that mean to move forward with or without our addicted loved one.
Thinking of you all today. (((hugs)))

I already know it's a HUGE pipe dream on my part, but the new year's evening was spent (as always) with me sleeping and him on his laptop. Morning history check showed he had a lovely evening of porn/webcams -- more than usual... I fooled myself for a quick second into thinking that maybe giving this up would be a new year's resolution... I already know not to go too far down that wormhole.

Thank you for the new year's well wishes - I wish none of us had to be here, but as long a we are, I like the fact that I'm not alone. Here's to an empowering new year! (((hugs back)))

Oiy. There doesn't seem to be a word to express my feelings towards this... whatever you want to call it. I am so sorry :( I am trying to have a positive outlook on the year ahead! I hope these men pull their heads out of their you know where and learn how to have respect for those who love them and have made and kept vows to stay through think and thin.
I HATE it when people what they have for granted, and that is exactly what they are all doing when they deceive us and betray our trust like this.
I'm thinking about you today.

It is very very hard to live with an active addict and get healthy. You are right, zen, you have enough proof. I think you are trying to come to terms thinking something will change but it won't just happen, they don't just wake up and say what have I been doing until they are faced with consequences. The only way for you to survive is to set boundaries (decide what you will and will not live with) and then focus on what you need to do to get healthy for YOU. Most of us that get here completely lose ourselves to our addict h's and their addiction. We question everything we are and do, we try to reason, plead, explain, threaten etc…There is nothing we can do for them until they are in agreement and will do it for themselves and then for their families. It took me a long time to realize it wasn't loving to myself to wake up everyday and check out things that I knew would be very hurtful and set the path for the rest of my day. Don't punish yourself…you already know. Those are the things we need to do to get healthy.

made a conscious decision NOT to check today ~~ somewhat more 'zen' today, and I signed up for a 21 day on line women's empowerment course! thank you all for the continuing understanding and support... invaluable to a positive (more positive) outlook each day. healing hugs to all of us!