My H and I went to a CSAT tonight for the second time. I have been feeling more in touch with the trauma that My H's acting out, excessive porn/teen porn has caused me.. I am feeling like a "victim", not for my adult self, but for my child/teen" self, that was abused. I suddenly felt such sorrow for the girls in these porn videos,photos;many that look so very very young. I know that many of them are being degraded and used, and the thought that my H, the man I thought I admired for his Christianity,love of family, and his kindness, was getting extreme pleasure from this degradation. I felt sick, betrayed, small....

I thought tonight I could voice my feelings at the session, but instead, the therapist felt the need to discuss our sexual wants and needs; discussed exploration and being "open" to each other’s desires. Etc...

This is the LAST thing I wanted. But I felt powerless. Powerless to voice my feelings, for fear of getting my H angry again, or having the therapist think I was being selfish. After all, the therapist was for HIM.
. I let the session go where it did; I understand the CSAT was trying to discuss how to bring the sexuality back into the relationship and increase intimacy. But I am not ready for that yet.

I do value the CSAT..and I only have myself to blame for not standing up for myself.. but I felt like I had no voice. I was in a room with 2 men talking about sex acts..
When we left,I was flooded with memories of being used, raped, treated like an object by men.

My H said all the sex and intimacy talk made him horny,and "closer" to me,, and he wanted me to go to bed with him(even though I work late into the evening). I just couldn't.. I felt frozen,frightened, manipulated, used, traumatized, silent..
I told him, I just didnt "feel right:.. he was noticeably annoyed and disappointed. as usual...I tried to talk to him, but all I could say was.. "This porn issue is affecting me deeper than I had realized before--and I feared talking to him because, when I talk about how the porn made me feel, he gets distant, angry,shamed, and very turned off.
Last thing I said was," I can't win".. and he said.."yeah...I guess so"
....
so, then I got to be alone and cry.
. yeah me..........
I dont know how much more I can take of this.. there is an enormous ELEPHANT in the room, and apparently I am the only one who sees it.. Teen porn obsession!?! .. And we spent 1 1/2 hours with a therapist talking about how to SPICE up our sex life? I guess I should have asked if I was supposed to dress up like a little girl??
The session left me feeling victimized all over again... I know, we are not supposed to view ourselves as "victims"... but thats how I feel right now.. small..silent..paralyized, like when I was a child.. I DO recognize where this pain comes from, but it such a powerful emotion..I can't rationalize it away.. and I have no support from the man who vowed his love to me..the one who talked and talked to the therapist tonight about how important it is to him to PLEASE me, That he CARES about my feelings. (. except when I actually express them..)

I just had to share this here--I cant really talk about this to anyone else.
I feel like I'm in a nightmare.