Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
Hello everyone, I havent posted in a very long time.
I posted this is my journal entry, but figured I'd also post here- I feel so alone and could use advise...
My H has a porn addiction, that gravitated(or escalated to "underage" pornography. I confronted him about it in july 2011... even had a polygraph done that showed, yes he searched child porn on purpose, but no he did not have sex with anyone while we were married...and appraently didnt fantasize about "having sex" with my daughter. polys can be flawed depending on the exact wording used...
anyway.. I have a beautiful,strong 17 year old daughter(15 at that time) who knows too much about this.
Also I am a surviver of early childhood sexual abuse(brother-who died this past feb) and rape as a later teen.
My H and I are both in our early to mid fifties.. he is 2 yrs older...
background from 2 years ago:
I initially asked for a separation when I discovered the porn addiction, and my H said no. He would never leave. We separated in the home, and started counseling. He and I are both active in AA, so he understands what it takes to recover from an addiction, and he knows what it means to "have to want it". He did SAA and SLAA, and seemed sober. He had at least 2 relapses, and eventually did intensive outpatient when I (and our therapist) pushed him. Our therapist attempted to get him to do a sex history, which he felt was crucial to getting to the issues of the sex addiction and possible paraphelias/fetishes.
He has also had life long impotence that I patiently put up with becuase I loved him, and he is actually a generous lover. My H did a piss poor sex history and never really completed it. We stopped therapy last august 2012 because of insurance reasons. My spying program terminated, and I let things get "back to normal". We had so many other things going on, including his new job(another huge issue in our marriage with his unempolyment 1/2 the time) and our almost losing the home to foreclosure.
So last sept to this past august, almost a year, I trusted him..and although I was discouraged about the fact that he almost lost our home for failure to keep up mortgage payments(unknown to me), and I had to step in and get our mortgage modification(thank God thats done) , I decided to reinvest in our marriage-financially and emotionally, and decided to trust in him.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt-I blamed myself for being too hard on him.. he now has been working fulltime for over a year..so no more "boredom" that caused the porn watching-- no more "low self esteem" that caused the porn progression...
That feeling of suspicion came upon me in early september, so real, so strong.. 2 mnths ago-- I felt something was off--I renewed the spyware-- webwatcher-- {very difficult to install with all his security of his laptop-} - and low and behold-- he's at it again. Every single morning for one hour, he looks at "porn" on youtube. It is not the extreme that it was 2 years ago, but its the same images. Young, thin, "natural" perfect girls/woman.NOT "playboy" types, nothing over 30... They look nothing like me, although I thought he found me very attractive, ALL these images are the same. like pretty young teens. I am hurt, disgusted in a way that is almost worse than the first time. I feel there are no more excuses.
He looked me straight in the eye yesterday UNSOLICITED. he just offered that he is not acting out-- not looking at porn, and "although he is tempted, he knows where it will lead him, and doesnt want to go down that road again. ".. the very next morning,like every morning, he looked at it again for an hour. My beautiful daughter and her friends dressed up for halloween, kind of sexy like the 17 year old girls do--My H never directly looks at the girls--He will look out of the "corner" of his eye. Next morning? My H looked at young naked girls that looked JUST like her two friends.. I wanted to throw up.
My previous husband,whom I divorced, was a cocaine addict.
I feel like I am re living this again. The same wanting to get him help. .believeing he was clean.. only to find I had been lied to all along. Its a nightmare, and I'm starting to believe I am causing some of this, Not only in who I attract, but how I enable these men in the addictions...or I am not giving them what they need emotionally.. I'm not a good wife,not a good partner. Feeling right now like I will never know love--seriously..thats not self pity--Its the truth.
I am 13 years sober from alcohol and thought this would be a new better life, but right now--it sucks. I married him because I thought he knew recovery,sobriety, humility,honesty and ethics, and he could be trusted... I've known nothing but deception in my love life.
Its 2am, and I'm feeling that I have to disclose this to my H tomorrow . I have to tell him I am done. This just hurts too much...
_________________________
That was saturday and today is Monday, nov 4th- I didnt confront him. I'm fairly sure he is a narcissist- fits the profile.. I keep finding excuses for when its the "best time" and this hurts so much, because I know that once this is out...I have to decide if I am truly done with this marriage..because he will push,make excuses, and beg for forgiveness....
I posted this is my journal entry, but figured I'd also post here- I feel so alone and could use advise...
My H has a porn addiction, that gravitated(or escalated to "underage" pornography. I confronted him about it in july 2011... even had a polygraph done that showed, yes he searched child porn on purpose, but no he did not have sex with anyone while we were married...and appraently didnt fantasize about "having sex" with my daughter. polys can be flawed depending on the exact wording used...
anyway.. I have a beautiful,strong 17 year old daughter(15 at that time) who knows too much about this.
Also I am a surviver of early childhood sexual abuse(brother-who died this past feb) and rape as a later teen.
My H and I are both in our early to mid fifties.. he is 2 yrs older...
background from 2 years ago:
I initially asked for a separation when I discovered the porn addiction, and my H said no. He would never leave. We separated in the home, and started counseling. He and I are both active in AA, so he understands what it takes to recover from an addiction, and he knows what it means to "have to want it". He did SAA and SLAA, and seemed sober. He had at least 2 relapses, and eventually did intensive outpatient when I (and our therapist) pushed him. Our therapist attempted to get him to do a sex history, which he felt was crucial to getting to the issues of the sex addiction and possible paraphelias/fetishes.
He has also had life long impotence that I patiently put up with becuase I loved him, and he is actually a generous lover. My H did a piss poor sex history and never really completed it. We stopped therapy last august 2012 because of insurance reasons. My spying program terminated, and I let things get "back to normal". We had so many other things going on, including his new job(another huge issue in our marriage with his unempolyment 1/2 the time) and our almost losing the home to foreclosure.
So last sept to this past august, almost a year, I trusted him..and although I was discouraged about the fact that he almost lost our home for failure to keep up mortgage payments(unknown to me), and I had to step in and get our mortgage modification(thank God thats done) , I decided to reinvest in our marriage-financially and emotionally, and decided to trust in him.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt-I blamed myself for being too hard on him.. he now has been working fulltime for over a year..so no more "boredom" that caused the porn watching-- no more "low self esteem" that caused the porn progression...
That feeling of suspicion came upon me in early september, so real, so strong.. 2 mnths ago-- I felt something was off--I renewed the spyware-- webwatcher-- {very difficult to install with all his security of his laptop-} - and low and behold-- he's at it again. Every single morning for one hour, he looks at "porn" on youtube. It is not the extreme that it was 2 years ago, but its the same images. Young, thin, "natural" perfect girls/woman.NOT "playboy" types, nothing over 30... They look nothing like me, although I thought he found me very attractive, ALL these images are the same. like pretty young teens. I am hurt, disgusted in a way that is almost worse than the first time. I feel there are no more excuses.
He looked me straight in the eye yesterday UNSOLICITED. he just offered that he is not acting out-- not looking at porn, and "although he is tempted, he knows where it will lead him, and doesnt want to go down that road again. ".. the very next morning,like every morning, he looked at it again for an hour. My beautiful daughter and her friends dressed up for halloween, kind of sexy like the 17 year old girls do--My H never directly looks at the girls--He will look out of the "corner" of his eye. Next morning? My H looked at young naked girls that looked JUST like her two friends.. I wanted to throw up.
My previous husband,whom I divorced, was a cocaine addict.
I feel like I am re living this again. The same wanting to get him help. .believeing he was clean.. only to find I had been lied to all along. Its a nightmare, and I'm starting to believe I am causing some of this, Not only in who I attract, but how I enable these men in the addictions...or I am not giving them what they need emotionally.. I'm not a good wife,not a good partner. Feeling right now like I will never know love--seriously..thats not self pity--Its the truth.
I am 13 years sober from alcohol and thought this would be a new better life, but right now--it sucks. I married him because I thought he knew recovery,sobriety, humility,honesty and ethics, and he could be trusted... I've known nothing but deception in my love life.
Its 2am, and I'm feeling that I have to disclose this to my H tomorrow . I have to tell him I am done. This just hurts too much...
_________________________
That was saturday and today is Monday, nov 4th- I didnt confront him. I'm fairly sure he is a narcissist- fits the profile.. I keep finding excuses for when its the "best time" and this hurts so much, because I know that once this is out...I have to decide if I am truly done with this marriage..because he will push,make excuses, and beg for forgiveness....
I am so sorry that you are going through this again. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I could have written your story. We are 63 years old and have been together 23 years and married 20. He employment has not been great but luckily he inherited some money so we are not in as bad of shape as some. His preferences are the same as your husband's although I did not know this until recently. He has battled porn addiction his whole life. He has also had a 3 yr gay relationship but he still won't acknowledge that he is bi-sexual. And I know that he had at least one extended peeping tom incident. The last two things were before I knew him. I have caught him several times over the years. He has gone to group, individual therapy, marriage counseling and has a sponsor. Never once after a relapse did he come to me or any of his support. He had to be caught. He has had all the tools and yet, after a period of time (sometimes short and short long 4.5 yrs) he relapses.
I want to address a couple of things - although some people would debate this, I do find it helpful if we, as partners, do get help. I know that my own issues enabled him. BUT I also know that his sex addiction has NOTHING to do with me. He was a sex addict before he met me. This last time around, everything was on the table. We were giving our marriage 100% and appeared to really being having the kind of marriage we both wanted. Except with our marriage, our home, his studio, our family relationships on the line he acted out again. And yes, once again he cried, was heartbroken, promised and begged. At 63 I will never compete with those images. I heard an interest thing the other day: Halle Berry, Christie Brinkley and Tea Leoni were all involved with men who were sex addicts. Look how beautiful and how talented they are! For the first time in my life, I don't feel like I need to be anything other than I am. Yes, I need to work on my issues and I am but those are not why he is a sex addict only why I have not been strong enough to look out for myself. I have always been a fairly humble person so it is embarrassing to say it but I am enough. DO NOT TAKE ON HIS SEX ADDICTION as you being defective somehow. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. I repeat…YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.
The second thing I wanted to say, is you are right. We do need to make a decision and I know it is hard. I have gone through this for all these years because I wanted my marriage to work but I also did not want to deal with all the sadness and fear of separating. I finally did this time (although in typical fashion I agreed not to file for a divorce for year to see if he can really get sober this time). I don't know how I would ever truly know. He moved downstairs for about a month and now has been out of the house for 3 months. There have been many hard occasions - our granddaughters first birthday party where he wasn't invited, our 20th wedding anniversary, cancelled trips and even movies on T.V. but even though I have been sad and cried a lot, I can honestly say I am happier. I want you to be happy too. We can't control our partners but we can make our own lives good. I wish you the VERY best.
The majority of MEN, when placed in the same situation, choose to leave their wife. That's pretty profound.
Seems it's "normal" in our culture, and even expected for men to ogle and go after other women. The "good ol' boys' syndrome, if you will - so most feel that it's "harmless" or that they are entitled.
I've been with my husband for 23 yrs, married for 20. We have a 19 yr old daughter.
I didn't know about his problem until 5.5 years ago when he had an "emotional affair" with his old high school girl friend in another state, when he was sent for training by his employer for 30 days...
He claims there was "no sex", but I've no actual proof.
"Sex" is subjective, though, and it can be oral, groping/fondling and/or actual intercourse.
I'd bet my house though, that there was at least some kissing going on.
Our daughter was 14 at the time, and when she found out, she completely pulled away from her dad for months.
Anyway, after that, I discovered his massive porn addiction via spyware, how he hid stuff, where and when (before going to work). He would change the time and date on the laptop, then save smut, then change the time/date back so that I wouldn't find anything "recent"! (VERY clever)
He had been exposed to porn and "Fredrick's of Hollywood" Mags at the age of 11 when he and his older brother found his father's stash.
From everything my H has said, his father was also a sex addict.
My H also blatantly lied right to my face more than once. Namely last Dec. 13, when not 20 mins prior, he was ogling at nude women/porn!! That's when I gave him an ultimatum.
They lie, they learn to hide things better when they're caught (as opposed to stopping), they manipulate and all the while, act as though its OUR fault or they are driven to it by US, or work, or stress or life in general.
When confronted, they play stupid, ignorant, dumb and totally without a clue - until confronted with undeniable proof (which I have shown mine on more than one occasion).
THEN, the next step is to plead, cry, beg for more chances, promise to stop - OR they get angry, resentful, give the silent treatment, etc.
It gets to be VERY VERY OLD - all the while we are dying inside, our self esteem takes a nose dive, we become depressed, can't sleep or sleep too much to escape, and more.
In all honesty, had I known 20 yrs ago what I know now, and the heartache I'd be going through, I would not have married him.
If I were to win the lottery today, I'd be out of here tomorrow and not tell a soul where I went.
I cannot leave though, because I don't have a job. His is the only income. The house is in my name, but I live in a 'community state' where everything is divided 50-50, so I would most likely loose the house if we split. In all honesty, that's the only thing keeping me here.
He has agreed to see a counselor, but we can't afford one, because insurance will not cover it. At $150. per hour for a CSAT, which is the ONLY acceptable type of counselor, it's pretty damn steep for one income to handle.
He will not seek help online or read forums - but at least I have found them helpful.
Until then, BOUNDARIES is all I have to keep me safe in my own home:
1 - I've put parental controls on all 3 TV's in the house. Anything rated R or above, cannot be viewed without a pass code which only I know.
2 - I've put parental controls on his iPhone and iPad AND locked on the location feature, so I cal locate him with my phone. Only I have the code. (yes, he did try to guess it, but failed)
3 - I have spyware on 2 laptops, his and my daughter's, because my daughter leaves hers in the living room - he used hers once to move smut pics, knowing that I had spyware on his, but thinking I wouldn't put it on hers - so I did, just for that very reason!
4 - I revoked his 'Admin privileges' from his laptop, so he can no longer change the time/date or revoke my access to his account. (only I have the password)
5 - I may look at the history, pictures, apps and anything I choose to, on his iPhone & Ipad, any time. I know about the 'advanced' area on the Safari browser, which shows websites visited, even if he erases history in an attempt to hide something. (I've caught a few of his slips this way)
6 - He may not go to bed substantially sooner or get up a lot earlier than I do, to be in bed alone or in the living room alone.
I do realize though, that he most likely has one or more a secret e-mail accounts that I don't know about, secret thumb drives with smut on it/them, and access to smut via his guy friends at work.
It bothers me, but I can't control what's outside my home. At some point, he will get caught. They always do.
The down side of all this is that I have come to trust NO MAN. Porn addiction is a LOT more prevalent than we realize, and it's not like they are going to be upfront about it!
So forever more, I have put up a wall to protect myself and my heart. I not longer trust him and never will again, no matter how loving he acts or how innocent - and I will never trust another man ever again.
The only one that I can totally rely on, is myself. I must learn to love myself, and let that be enough - at least until I find a job and can be on my own.
I confronted him about the porn, and he denied it-lied at least three times until he realized I had the spyware proof. Then YES, the begging, overly emotional,overly kind and affectionate-he says he loves me about 50 times a day, and honestly I hate it-SHOW ME you love me. His words mean absolutely nothing. I am feeling like there is so much more than just the porn/sex problems "wrong" with our marriage, having seriously different political views;seriously different ideas about child rearing(thank God my kids are NOT his!). He is OCD and narcissistic. Today I was supposed to spend the day with my Mom who I absolutely adore (almost 92) going to my great nephews 3rd birthday. He is suddenly taking off to come with us. I feel he is going to be in my face with this phony overly adoring smile, all the while looking at the young girls out of the corner of his eye. The only thing that curbs his appetite is heavy medication(Lexapro)- but he doesn't like it-He can barely "perform" even WITH lots of cialis/viagra etc on those meds- I don't know- I asked him for a separation the other day,no actually I asked for a divorce, and he is not respecting my wishes or my feelings. Big surprise, right!?! I am in the same situation financially. I do have a (very)small business,but with the cost of living here, my income doesnt come close to paying the bills for myself and two children living with me in our home.
If I moved right now, we would ,at best, get a 2 bedroom apts, and I would have to take my business/computers with me. It would be very tight, and I fear I wouldn't be able to manage the business mentally or physically. Since I found out about the porn use,my business went from having 4 clients to one. I fear I may lose them too, and then I dont know what I'll do.
Funny thing is, my daughter, almost 18, wants to do that, but I 'm not sure she is mature enough to know what that really means, and how much of a struggle it would be. I havent discuss this with my son who is almost 21 , because he has enough personal problems of his own right now, and struggles with depression. He was "oppressed" by my H,his step dad for 10 years now. It is all so very sad. I wish I had the money to handle this on my own. My "decision" would be to divorce, and it would be final, if I had the finances. I love him still in some ways, but have no respect for him, and I dont see any way at all that that would change. As you said Only, it get to be VERY VERY OLD! The lies,manipulation, begging, and "relapses"...Its causing me to fall into a depression again. I dont think I with go to the lengths you have with restricting his lust..only have the spyware on his laptop.. I just dont CARE enough anymore !...He can seriously do what he wants..I'm done babysitting..Like I mentioned above, I spent 10 years with an addict before my current H-It broke my heart and spirit. It took me a couple years to rebuild faith in myself, recovery, a new business etc..My kids love me now, rebuilt my life, just to find I have another active addict as a partner. I feel stupid..I am gullable and trusting by nature and an addict "magnet". Only: when you said you've come to trust NO MAN_ You've got that right!! same here-- I wish you all the best..play the lottery...lol
Of course way way in the back of my mind is the issue of his possible "pedephelia", although I really think its a peri pubescent thing. I'm completely lost. I get weaker physically and emotionally every day, making me feel even more "stuck".
I am still sober and active in AA-Thank GOD! Go to church a couple times a month. am inspired by my daughter, although she has certainly been effected (jaded) when it comes to men.
The spyware is useless now because he knows its on there--He JUST got his very first smart phone.. I believe he must be acting out. He works every day as a driver..gone most of the time with plenty of opportunity act out in some fashion. He has not been to any kind of meeting for months. Does not work a program or see a therapist. He has to take the lexapro to be normalized...He gets very OCD and triggered without it. With it, he can barely perform sexually and we have sex about 2x a month now. I'm lost. I obcess about how I can "spy" on him???, but don't have the strength (or money) to actually devote to that insanity., even though I would love to know the truth---
my wise daughter tells me: "you already KNOW the truth!" true-- but then I hear from people-men and woman ..that looking at teens is "normal".. its a biological innate drive that all men have..
what do you all have to say about that? I am truly lost and just trying to keep my head above water.. Stressed about my daughter leaving, a new grandbaby on the way, my home based business, my 92 year old mom, an older son who is severely depressed and on disability(the one having the baby).. and possibility having an 18 month old baby living with us!
I've been accused by people (a sponsor way back) of wanting chaos in my life, and there are times that I can see that aspect, but I never ever thought I would be on this side of a devastating addiction .
... I'll take the hard work, AA, children, aging parent...but never in a million years did I think I would have to deal with the madness of a sex addiction, and possible "pedophilia/hebephilia". I'm feeling there is no way out...