Hello,

I had an account here many years ago but seem to have forgotten my log in.

For several years ive been trying to heal from my husbands porn use. I dont want to call it an addiction, he doesnt spend hours and hours watching porn. He might not even do it daily, but i cant be sure since the invention of incognito mode and his increased ability to delete his history. But i know he still does it. He hasnt figured out that his keybord on his phone knows his more popular word combinations. 

At first (10+ years ago) id find an occational magazine, follow up questions would reveal there had been many purchased, used and thrown away without my ever knowing. And then an empty apology, never really understanding why he was apologizing for beyond the tears streaming down my face and an unkept promise to stop. Then came the invention of internet enabled phones, originally he had a flip phone, and at some point he realized he could view images of naked women with a simple search and the safety turned off. Once after catching him and after a long argument we decided to work on our relationship. So we planned a movie date at the drivein. From the car we were able to enjoy a double feature and a nice night out together without the kids... until i had to go to the bathroom. As i returned to the car i could see from the rear window he has his phone open. I approached the car and was able to see the naked women on his phone as he casually flipped images only looking at each for a few seconds. I walked up to the side of the car he was on and he quickly snapped shut the phone as soon as he realized i was there but the look on my face was enough to know he had been caught. I should have known then he was an addict. But i was still thinking that it was my fault he looked at porn... at least that what he told me- i gained too much weight - i was boring in bed. Think the most hurtful excuse he ever gave me was that porn was just easier, that he didnt have to worry about making me finish - which he then told me if i was willing to give him "quickies" he wouldnt need porn. BULLSHIT!

Fast foward a few years to the invention of smartphones. When he asked if he could get one my first thought was how much easier it would be for him to access more graphic porn... but i gave him the benifit if the doubt. Afterall he had promised me to stop. But after only a few weeks of having his new toy i found the evidence i knew id find. He was pretty horrible at deleteing his search history back then, and my discoveries and confrontations over the years has only improved his ability to hide his continual use better.

Well, after several years worth of fights and empty promises i have decided to divorce him. I made this decision 2 years ago and told him immediatly. But, as i decided, i knew i had to finish the job i started with him, raising our kids and seeing them off to college. At the time of my desicion my oldest was in her senior year of high school, and a good university was within her grasp, as long as no traumatic life changes occured to prevent her. Then my second child only 2 years behind her, and my youngest 1 year behind the 2nd... confusing i know, but the math added up to 5 years till i was willing to file for divorce. 2 years later and 3 years to go and here i am. Trapped, and waiting for the day i can finally escape.