Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group

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mistake

EmTheo
EmTheo
Okay so i think I made a mistake at a Halloween party last month. As I may have shared here, I face some issues with transgenderism. I don't think of myself as lesbian, because I am attracted to men. It is much more of a gender identity/gender fluidity issue, not an issue of sexuality per se. However I do find other woman who are transgendered compelling and attractive at times. I have no wish to act on that. My h and I have worked on building trust and intimacy and I wish to keep it that way. My h has always been supportive of me and been fine with it, sometimes more than fine...because he's kind of into the androgeny thing. Anyway, i have also shared here that we are taking big steps forward in couples therapy and I feel optimistic for us like I haven't for a long time. So things are feeling good with us, but the healing is still kind of fragile. I know we are walking into sacred spaces in our hearts and we need to tread carefully right now. But last month we went to a halloween party, no kids, lots of drinking and I let my guard down and wasn't very careful with my words. I saw a woman at the party who was crossed dressed and my h and I was were both compelled. I said "wow. should I go make out with her? Ooops. man. wrong thing to say. I was joking, but it hurt him. I said it partly out of revenge towards him...referencing a party that got out of control for him once and that happened. I also think it triggered him. My comment was degrading and not honoring the woman I was talking about or myself. But if we weren't facing SA, wouldn't a stray comment about other people be okay now and then? If we are only talking to our spouse about who we find attractive and joking around about it...it seems like a very light-hearted release, if nothing is intended and no one is acting on it. We're all human, and when you've been married 17 years, it doesn't seem like being rigid 24/7 is the best way to approach monogamy. I spend lots of time at my church praying with senior citizens (not joking here, I really do...they have a ton of life experiences they have to impart)...and was only breaking out of my usual and having fun. Anyway, he has brought up my comment back to me recently with comments like "you can fantasize but I can't?! That hardly seems fair!" So I know the reality is we are dealing with SA and so I need to watch myself and be more careful. If we were dealing with alcoholism, the drinks that night would have been an issue, not my comment. But this is SA, and so the comment was the issue. Now I am just trying to find a way to back-pedal so our hard work doesn't go backwards too. Any suggestions on how I can recover from this stupid thing I said? Sorry if this is all too weird!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
You know in a perfect world, a stray comment like that wouldn't make a world of difference, but as you already have pointed out, we don't live in a perfect world. It's more like we walk on eggshells or maybe even a mine field.
It's so difficult sometimes to have to remember all the rules of recovery every single minute of the day...even at a party and you're only human. So you made a mistake. I hope your H will forgive you as you clearly are working very hard to forgive him and support him in his recovery. I don't think you need to back peddle. Just say what you said here, that it was a stupid comment and that you're sorry that it made him feel bad. I think maybe he just needs that kind of validation. Hopefully, it is just a minor bump in the road and you can both move forward.
Learningskills
Learningskills
When facing my Hs behavior, I had to search down into myself as to why it was distressing. I found that his behavior dishonors "my" core principles. I had no difficulty stating why I am not willing to tolerate his behavior. The reason...I truly believe it's wrong...and wouldn't tolerate that behavior in myself. If I felt about things the way he does, I'd have little to say...how could I in good conscience? I expect no more of him, than I do of myself. I expect no less either. So, were I to suddenly take another path, into sex for the sake of lustful sex behavior, then I'm sure he'd wonder what my principles really are...or if my protesting was solely disallowance for him to do as I do? I could see what that would be confusing. Which is it? Principles...or one-sided rules? Maybe that's what he's thinking...that's what I would think. I know that when I asked my h...should I be doing this too then? Should I be ogling men, and dreaming about how I might enjoy them sexually? He said absolutely not. So, I asked him, then how do you reserve the right to do what would hurt you if the tables were turned? He said true.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I can fully relate Em. I think I was a bit of a "social drinker" with SA, and the weird thing about the addiction to me, is that I would've been okay with most of his behavior... but it was the hiding and the lies.

I really somewhat morn that side of our relationship. That whole side of my sexuality.
Cynclaire
Cynclaire
I just know with my h that it really goes a long way in our recovery together when I admit that I did try to hurt him when I made a statement or behavior. That I went back and examined my statement and shared with him that I realize that part of it was to hurt him; to "show" him how I felt when he did that to me. I believe if you are honest with him about this part it will take the focus off of the "tit for tat" aspect. Very good points SheenRe.
Learningskills
Learningskills
Cyn: Your point is good too. Of course I wanted him to feel what I was feeling...so maybe he'd get the point and quit the hurtful behavior. I think that springs from the thought that if he knew how this hurt, he'd quit. Not true. He knew it would hurt...and did it anyway. Figured that out later...from some things he told me. And, unless I dish to him precisely what he dished to me, he couldn't feel what I felt. And, he couldn't anyway because he'd deserve it and I didn't. And, only those who can make secure and intimate bonds, feel the loss of them anyway. So, not likely he'll ever feel what I felt. And NO one should ever have to.

I think...think...that I would have done far better to say nothing at all. Just told him what I knew. Distanced myself both emotionally and physically...and let him do exactly and say exactly what he wished. Then I'd see him...standing on his own...no "me" in the picture at all. But, the shock...didn't allow that. I got the full force of the shock...and he got what comes of it.
EmTheo
EmTheo
wachit- thanks for making me feel it's okay to be human and that we will still recover.

sheen-thanks for helping me take a look at myself and strive for clarity in my principles.

grrl-tears came to my eyes this morning when I read that you morn that side of things...'cause I do too. I know my comment wasn't entirely innocent...like I said: in part revenge...and really just not appropriate or necessary anyway. But in a small way innocent play and sexual release...and it hurts that innocence like that was taken to a frightening extreme in my h's past and so I have to say goodbye to it. That's how it feels for now anyway.

I try to put myself in the shoes of our sisters married to alcoholics newly in recovery...not being able to stop off for drinks with friends after work in case h smells the one glass of wine on her breath later at home. Our behavior has to modify too...feels sad sometimes...but maybe that's not such a bad thing...discipline in life is okay and we learn from it and it's part of growing into an actual adult, not a pretend one.

cyn-thanks for the reminder about honesty...I think that is exactly how I will approach it!