First of all, please don't beat yourself up. We have all been there and me, more than a few times. You have every right to express yourself, even in anger. Sometimes you need to blow a fuse to let the poison out. I'm sure your H understands and it sounds like he wants very much to communicate with you and that alone is a huge step for him. Also the fact that he is thankful for you being there is also a step in the right direction. I hope you will do something good for yourself this weekend...hugs!!!

Em: That is positive because my h would NEVER initiate a conversation which was my frustration. He still in two years of recovery avoids all conversations that are uncomfortable at all costs. And the fact that he does value you is important. Time to pull it back together and I bet this will be a positive growing experience that you both can learn from. Glad you had a nice holiday season!

Em, i think we have all experienced days of low emotions. Something i have learnt very early on is to not internalise or keep it in. Like a volcano rumbling, if you let it rumble and rumble or try and put a lid on it, it will eventually erupt with ferosity.
Grief is a common stage in recovery. It is the side effect to the activities he has brought into the marriage. You are allowed to feel grief, sometimes is secretes out in sadness, sometimes in anger via frustration. The worst thing you can do for your health and your recovery (and his!) is to bottle your feelings up. Its healthy to express yourself and healthy for him to see his activities have not been harmless.
If and when i have had one of these days (and truth be told it is usually aligned with my menstral cycle) I say clearly to him early "I am not having a good day today, i am struggling, i may need my space, i apologise in advance if i offend." He sometimes asks if he may assist me in some way, but really i just need my space, and he is happy if I'm quiet......we all are. But this way, no feelings are hurt, and hurtful things aren't said out of turn.
Truthfully these types of days have been few and far between as i have progressed through recovery, may this be the case for you. xxxx

thanks for the permission to lose it sometimes!! I'm really down on myself today... but knowing you guys know what it's like and your supportive replies help so much. And yeah, my cycle started today so no doubt a connection there Trina :)

I'm trying to stay strong and not get so down on myself that i stray from my values or in any way indicate that the underlying meaning of what i said to him wasn't true. Because it was...but just the delivery was poor!

Dearest Em,

Well, we've all been there. Our Hs aren't perfect and surprise, surprise, neither are we! After our first dday, last January, I can't count the number of times I resolved to stay reasonable and then lost it. It took me weeks to get into a space where I was capable of delivering my message in a sane and even potentially, supportive manner. I thought I was really on top of it and then, in September, a whole fresh bust and suddenly, for me, it was back to January!

While I'm not an advocate for losing control and ranting, I think, in the grand scheme of things, it sometimes does them a fair bit of good to realize how serious the whole thing is and to get a glimpse of just how much they've hurt us. On the second dday, I punched his arm and smashed his ipod, two actions of which I'm not particularly proud and which I swear, I've never done anything like that to anybody in my adult life. He knew that. too. I guess it really shocked him.

When he got over it (not straight away), he came to the conclusion that it was perfectly understandable and that he wasn't yet in a space where he could trust himself with an ipod. Of his own volition, he traded his phone for one that is not internet capable. He's also been genuinely sober (as far as I know), with only slips, rather than relapses, ever since.

I'm telling you all this because I think you shouldn't be too hard on yourself and you should know that, if he really wants to get better, he will, even if you don't do everything perfectly. I admire a spouse who never crumbles but I think it's rare (and not me) but the occasional meltdown will not stop him from getting better if that's what he really wants to do. Take care.

conniption - thanks for sharing your story. I totally agree that in the grand scheme of things it's okay. It just made me feel very small at the time it was happening. Now that I've had a few days space from it and we have "made up" for the time being, I'm actually kind of glad in a way how it all played out... he knows that slips in his behavior aren't going to be incidents that will easily be swept under the rug. Sometimes I respond in a grounded way and communication flows from a higher place. I'm able to express pain and confusion from a place of strength in myself. But sometimes I communicate from a place of chaos. It keeps him guessing!

Em - Sometimes our wounded self takes over. In fact, most of us respond from the wounded self. I've been learning NOT to listen to that part of myself and access my higher power as much as possible. I find it making a difference in how I communicate with others. My husband yes, but my children, my friends, people I work with. I find myself feeling more balanced now. I cannot say that I have mastered this, but the small steps I have taken have made a difference in my recovery. I feel like I have finally reached the repair stage of recovery.

Isn't cool when we can identify a new stage showing up in our lives!? That's great to hear wachit that you can see yourself moving forward...