I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You've been frustrated and waiting for a change for a long time, and that totally sucks.


I have a few points for you to chew on and then do what you will with them. I'm only telling you what I would hope a friend would point out to me if this was my story... ignore me if I'm off base.

1- I think you kind of shot yourself in the foot by telling him that you weren't going to talk about it anymore. I mean, he's not talking about it, so you say you're not going to talk about it. Sounds like you gave him what he wanted?

2- Is it possible that if he did read your intended message rather than the words you used, that he felt like you were trying to guilt trip or manipulate him?

3- Is it possible that he knows you put the blank pages in there and is thinking "what kind of game is she trying to pull on me now"? Because honestly, to me, it sounds like you're talking around your real issues instead of being direct.

4- I've said it before and will say it again, if you're involved with an SA/ PA and you aren't married and don't have kids, RUN.

Grrly is right about that. If he refuses to talk...and you let him rest there...and then you refuse to talk about what is hurting you...where is the resolution? It HURTS to talk. It hurts you and it hurts them too. It is tough to do that.

You said that he has made no effort to either change, nor address the hurt he created. You said, " he carries on as if everything is fine." How can he do that? My H couldn't do that anymore...I wouldn't let him do that. I would initiate talk with him...at first he tried to ignore it too...or get angry and defensive. I told him if you want me to stay, if we are to try, you have to talk to me. I'm not willing to stand for the silence, nor the statusquo, you can either talk to me about this now...and we can try to figure out what to do to repair the damage your behavior has caused already...or you can leave...or I will. But, business as usual, with you sitting silent, pushing things under the rug, or failing to attend my feelings is not going to fly anymore. So, which will it be? Do we talk? Or the alternative?

Have you remained silent for a year? Has he? Will that resolve anything or is it just victimization? I feel that I was a victim of my Hs attitudes and silence for many years. I allowed him to be silent far too much. His silence should have indicated much to me. But, I didn't see it for what it was...a form of manipulation. I see it that way now. If I need to say something...I say it...right up front. If he gets angry...so he does. He did at times and threatened to leave. I was scared....as always. But, I hit bottom and told him if you walk out that door right now...even for an evening...and if you fail to talk to me...right now...don't ever come back. I thought he might well do that....his arrogance and silence had controlled my actions for a long time...he was well accostomed to that working. When he saw that it wasn't going to work, and when he saw that I was serious, he made a decision to change his interactions with me.

He could have well left. I didn't care anymore. The relationship wasn't good...and I saw that clearly...and I was willing to either change it up...we could talk...or he could leave. He decided to start talking. Wasn't fun. but it was necessary. What are you willing to do to change things? He can control his silence, he can contol his emotions...he can control his porn usage and his masturbation and ignoring your sexual needs. But, you have control over what you do to get your needs met. If he refuses...what are you willing to do to change your path? There is lots you CAN do. What WILL you do?

I see you are at the point of being willing to leave the relationship. That is good. Until I reached that point, I had no personal power. I had let him have it all. I found that I had control over me....my emotions...what I will do to get my needs attended...and he had NO control over that at all....only I did. Only you do. Short of tying you up and physically restraining you, you can do anything you feel you need to do. What do you need to do?

If you need to talk...insist on it. If you need to leave...find a way. If you want to stay and work on it...insist he do his part. If he feels no empathy for the pain he is causing, what are you getting from being there? What are you trading for that? What are you willing to trade?

I'm just going to say that when I write my H letters, which is usually late at night, after I get home from work, he mostly responds bacfk...not so much talking or explaining, but confronting me. The next day after he absorbs everything is when I get the feedback. It's complicated, but I would most DEFINITELY demand a response...not just talking to walls...

Thank you for your replies. It sure does help.

Grrlygirl, Yes, I have to agree with you that I probably did shoot myself in the foot. Maybe I am just to a point where I don't care and am trying to make an "exit" plan and part of that plan was the letter to let him know that after a year we are still in the same place. But to your point, by doing so I may have done more harm than good. I don't think he knows the pages are blank, because I know how he is and he would have said something to me about it. I just don't think he's picked it up ir even read it after the initial reading of it. Just like everything else, he swept it under the rug and kept going.

SheenRe, Thanks for your advise. Yes, I do think I am at a point of giving up after many attempts with him. I have really tried over the past year to talk to him and he just doesn't wanna discuss it or is very short and curt with me... I am to a point now where a year ago, I asked him to change I told him I couldn't live with a PA, I have written so many letters, and the first one right after dday he responded to, almost immediately, but every letter since then has not been discussed. The only feedback he gave me from this last letter is that he felt like I was giving up.. But do you think that made him wanna sit down and talk NO... so to me it's like he doesn't care as long as he still has his P and MB..


The past few weeks he has been very short tempered with me... he snaps at me easily and questions everything, from a napkin on the counter or just negative in general. I finally asked him on Saturday night what was wrong to which he said he was just tired and he was sorry. I told him I was tired of hearing sorry and I walked into the other room. He again tried to apologize yesterday and I told him I didn't want his apologies, I wanted an explanation. he then gives me some BS about working too hard and being sore and achy from working... whatever...

I also question why I have the right to ask him to change a way he has been for a long time. I think I am the one that needs to leave as he sees nothing wrong and I can not change him. I am very angry at him and it's hard to be around him when I am that angry. Here is the letter I sent him..

I will no longer talk to you about this after I give you this. In other words, this is YOUR battle, not mine, and I am pulling away from this issue in your life. I have tried to help you, talk to you, wrote to you, poured my heart out to you and did my best to get you to open to me, and am done. I also have tried to talk to you about WHY you feel you have to masturbate soo much, why you look at women as your own sexual tool instead of a real human being with a family, responsibilities, etc. You deny then admit, deny then admit (oh I only do it a âfewâ times a week, or no I havenât done it in months, or honey, I'm just a people watcher). If I let it, it would drive me crazy but today is where I stop and get off the tracks so to speak and let you drive the train and hope you can take us down the right track.

Your problem to me is not only porn but also masturbation. For you, itâs a part of your daily routine even with a relationship. I know you say not every day but more often than not in a span of a week (maybe not on the days as I am home, but even on those days I am sure you find a way to fill your needs when the urge is bad enough and I am on my period, etc). Yet you have said to me time and time again that there is more to a relationship than sex⦠then why do you have to fantasize and masturbate so frequently? I think that is what you wanted ME to perceive that sex isnât everything in a relationship but it ranks pretty high on your priority list or at least the fantasizing aspect of it b/c that is where you can get variety and not my lil 96 pound body which isnât much to look at or fantasize about..⦠and maybe in the beginning I listened to you, but now I have to listen to ME and to ME, sex, women, porn, is a part of who you are big or small that is not for me to decide just as long as I am aware. Hell no I donât expect you to admit it to me, why would you? but I need to accept it in order to maintain a loving relationship with you. I have to be honest for BOTH of us and not live under the pretenses that sex/lusting/fantasizing isnât important to you... You tell me over and over again that it isnât important to you but your actions prove differently and that is all I will say on that for the last time. I donât want to argue about it with you anymore now or ever. I am done and closing that chapter too. (you should feel relieved).



I guess I would have to say that one of the most hurtful things is the absence of trust in our relationship. I opened up to you completely and have shared so much with you (knowing I could lose you), but you have not done the same for me. In fact, I often wonder if I even know the person that I am with. I believed you when you first said that you would get rid of all of that porn and stop masturbating; that you didnât need any of it anymore now that I was part of your life. I believed you when you said all you needed and wanted was me. I believed you because I didnât know better (fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on ME). I honestly thought you would put forth the effort to stop masturbating even if for a few months to see if it did make a difference in our bedroom, but you couldnât part with it, not even for US⦠and what makes it worse is you never even came to me to say I am struggling in the shower, or I struggle in bed on Saturdays when you leave for work⦠can you help me? I would have done anything to help you had you just let me in and trusted me enough to know that I would never judge you or look down on you. But you couldnât, and now I just donât care anymore and can't help someone who doesn't even see the problem in the first place. I canât care anymore and I wonât care about THIS anymore. I have come to realize that it is far too important to you and an important part of your life, and that I will always come second, until I decide I can't be second anymore.



For a time, I obsessed about what you were doing in front of the computer, whose naked body you were fantasizing about, how you needed more and more to satisfy your urges, but not anymore. You still fantasize about others in bed with me, and I think you have really tried to focus on me in bed, I honestly do (and I thank you for putting forth the effort) but I donât think youâre there yet, not to say you wonât get there but I think it is still a struggle and a challenge for you. It doesnât matter that I wear sexy outfits, that means nothing to you, as I could never fill the shoes of someone who has had a ton of implants to perform their job, that will put their bodyâs out there for men to use how they want as long as the MONEY is good. It also doesnât matter how attractive I make myself; how sexy I am; what I want to do for you in our bedroom. None of that matters anymore; b/c I finally figured out that virtually any other woman who did the same things that appealed to you, was also fair game to you. The pedestal became much too crowded for me; and so, I stepped off the pedestal, and climbed back onto a different pedestal, and one that I had created for myself. And now a year later I have become indifferent and I just donât care anymore. When we have sex, I see a man with a glazed over look as if he is thinking about someone or something else. It saddens me that you seem to just go through the motions, and very rarely can I actually get you all the way excited, if you know what I mean. You have too many other images to excite you then my 96 pound body, that has nothing to offer you to get you excited the way the images in your head do. I will not pump my body full of steroids, implants, get a tit job b/c it still wouldnât be enough for you and I am ok with how I look.



Your problem has hurt my self-esteem, mind you not killed it, just damaged it. Your problem has taken time away from me and has at times exhausted me. I became so resentful of the time that you had to porn surf and masturbate when I was working two jobs thinking you were actively seeking out a job when all you were seeking out was more porn to fill YOUR selfish needs.


More than anything, I am angry that you love your addiction more than your home, relationship, job, etc.. It hurts knowing that your addiction is worth more than anything else.

I truly hope someday you will realize how much I love you. That is all I can say. I will not bring this up again â as it is not my issue to bring up and keep hounding you about, so I am putting it to rest. I will always welcome you to talk to me but I know deep down until you realize the extent of your problem, you wonât let me in to that very very private part of your life. Just realize that sooner or later this double life will no longer be.

Miss: It's good that you are open and honest with him. Too bad he isn't with you. What are you willing to do to get your needs met? He isn't meeting them...and apparently isn't even willing to talk about doing that.

Thanks SheenRe. I really have no option but to ask him to leave, this much I know. I just have to be strong enough to go through with it and not let him tlk me out of it. I am soo kicking myself for not ending it on dday..

What does he say to talk you out of it?

Oh he says things like, I haven't looked at any P or I am working on my problem. I now he is not facing this at all. And I know that this will not end happily as I know what I need to do. I can not change a man who doesn't want to change and he can't change for me. That is what he's doing right now, TRYING to change for me, and even though he won't tell me, I know it won't work.. He will resent me (if he hasn't begun to already), and sooner or later he will just go back to the way he was because he doesn't really see where he has a problem. The other side of this is that I do love him but I know that over time (I am strating to be this way now), I will begin to question everything. My trust for him is gone.. And even though NOW he bends over backwards to prove to me that I can trust him and he does I still can not trust him.. I made it so clear to him that trust was such a huge thing for me and he knew this and didn't care because his addiction will always be #1 in his life.

I'm sorry.

Missbaha-I am sorry for what you are going through. Good luck and be tough! And count your blessings-you are coming to this realization NOW, while you are still young, aren't yet married, and have no children with him. You get to walk away with some very valuable life experience that a lot of other people (such as yours truly) didn't get until waaaaay too late.

Thanks, I am home for teh nest 5 days so this should be interesting.. I do plan on asking him why he didn't even think to respond to my letter that I poure my heart out in, how he could not talk to me and tell me that the things I said were wrong? He never did.. which makes me think evrything in that letter was true. He gave that power to me by remaining speechless...

Silence is often an answer too Miss. Silence says many many things....and for the most part...those things aren't good. Stick to your guns hon...demand what you need...and be ready to do whatever you must do to get those met...even that means it's time to go. Hugggs to you!

I also have to add that I completely understand your side. when H was silent, I'd demand some response from him, even weeks later. I knew the silence was an answer to my questions. he just didnt know how to answer them.

as for what to do...I lived with a SA before my H. No children, not marriied. Yes, we were engaged and lived together. Had a LOT of financilal ties. It took just one night to make me realize. At one point, the longest we went without having sex, or any intimant contact, was 7 months!!! And, I was still just 19 years old...he was 26. No other reason, other than the porn addciton.

maybe this time around, with H, a different guy it's working better because there's children and we are married...BUT on my part, I refuse to go through anything like I did before. I will not hesitate to throw his ass out. I can and will do thsi alone. To me, it is a matter of love. I believe I will not be happier without him. I believe I will truly miss him. I know he deeply loves me. These are what makes it different from my past relationship. I left that sorry butt...he regrets many things now....he knows where he went wrong, yet will never get a second chance (ex told me during the years since)...he never sought help whereas my H has. My ex was totally selfish thinking he could eternally take me for granted.

we are stronger than that. We have to be.

That is why he tries to answer my questions. Even if he can't give me answers, there's some kind of repsonse...even if I have to demand it...Maybe just try to step back and look at this as a whole. What if this were your best friend...what would you tell her to do???

2songbirds, Great question.. I think I would tell my friend to leave him, if I knew everything I know. I think what I truly can't get past is the fact that while I was out of town, he literally spent 15 hours in ONE day looking at P.. I just see that as such a deep problem. I keep telling myself I should have asked him to leave then because deep down I know myself and that is just something I can not get past.. To this day (16 months later) I get infuriated just thinking about it.

I just think he totally misrepresented who he TRULY was. I guess I couldn't expect him to say hey I am SA or PA. But he knew how I felt and he knew he was into it quite deep, he should have been honest and let ME decide what to do.. He didn't have a right to take that away from me. Do you know what I mean? It really angers me. He is also very unsociable, and that is hard because I have alot of frineds (none of them know about this) and I feel like if he is there with me, I have to spend my time keeping him entertained because he doesn't have a clue on how to conversate with people.

As much as I know he truly loves me, he can not admit to this and pretends that everything is just fine. I can't live like that,