It doesn't need an explanation girl, it's common sense! You are quite justified in your feelings. Are they at the office alone, and could they work somewhere else? Like bring their laptops and work at your home? Or a public library, or internet cafe? Somewhere you could easily drive by! ;) I know, that is so "co-dependant" *WHATEVER* but you are just trying to protect your marriage!

yeah, I think that word just makes me feel small, petty and adolescent. Like we're talking about a jr. high crush, not my marriage of 15 years with the father of my son. Like we're talking about being "jealous" of the neighbor's new BMW, or a friends designer handbag. It makes me feel unreasonable and unjustified.

We've talked about them working at an internet cafe, and they do sometimes. She came to work at our house once, but really, I just couldn't stand having her in my house and didn't want her here again. Maybe I am small and petty!!

Em: Even if that were true..that you are a jealous person, so what? Anyone usually wants to be THE attraction for their mate and doesn't want them to be in a position of temptation. The scenario you described, especially with you mate having shown a propensity to lack of impulse control already, is one that should be suspect and watched very carefully. Who wouldn't? If one has been on a road before that was treacherous, wasn't payin enough attention, and had a wreck; do you suppose they might go that route with an awful lot of caution the next time. I think they would...and certainly should! Anyone who says that there's not a little jealousy in regard to their mate, is either a liar, they don't love their mate, or they're just wreckless... in my opinion. No one should ever fully trust their mate that way...in my opinion.

I'm probably the least likely person to ever commit adultry that I know. And, even I wouldn't stupidly put myself in a situation that might prove waaay to tempting even for me. Why would I do that? I'm not God, nor infallible. Strong...yes...absolutely. But, I couldn't even imagine being silly enough to tempt fate. Why would I? Sooo, is he saying he's not jealous? That he is so sure of himself, and you, that you could never ever be tempted no matter the circumstance? Wow! That's trust or dangerous. Not sure which. My H said something to that affect and I answered him the same way I did this subject here...more or less. I asked him why he displays jealousy himself, and then throws the title to me? Isn't that like the pot calling the kettle black? I think at least a little jealousy is just smart...unless of course one just doesn't care. Just the way I think though.

Thanks Sheen...maybe I'll try not to worry so much about being called jealous and just own the feelings as they are regardless of the label.

I hope I can help with that at least. So, I'll go first.

Yes, I am jealous. I want my mate. I love him. I don't want him to seek someone or something else. I don't want him to get in a position where someone or something will push him beyond his control and he'll make a bad decision that he'll regret...and I certainly will. I don't want to leave him unprotected from others who will seek to play and we will pay. I love him enough to feel I want to protect having him around. I'm jealous. It means I love and fear the loss of my mate. I am not silly enough to deny that there is danger...or that I am impervious.

Yes, I'm controlling. Anything that I can control to adjust my physical or emotional wellbeing, I will control. I will set the thermostat so that I dont freeze. I will put a fence between me and the neighbors dog that I've seen bite. I'll prevent someone from hurting me if I can and if I can't, I'll get some space to prevent it. I'll not walk in dark alleys where danger may reside, but if I have to, I'll carry mace. I'll even go farther and try to control the dangers around my children. I'll not let them play in certain areas without supervision. I'll control what they watch on TV or the computer or on the radio. I'll try to protect them by controlling what I can of the enviornment around them. And, I will do the same for myself...because I'm the only one who can.

I'm insecure. I do not think that I'm the best thing on this planet, nor do I think I'm the worst. I think that I'm a good thing. I'm not vain enough, nor "secure" enough, to feel that nothing can threaten my place. I'm pround of who I am, but humble enough to know I'm not the only one who is good or attractive.

I'm afraid. I'm not brash enough to think that I have control of everything, or that I am impervious to pain, need, or loss. I am courageous, but to be courageous I have to know fear. Courage is acting anyway though I'm afraid. It wouldn't be courage if I wasn't. It would be a surity of winning. It would be the ultimate power...that no one really has.


Every time someone throws a title at me, I think about it. And try to see if it's true, and if so, why. Just because it's true, may not mean it's bad. I won't let their word tool make me ashamed of my feelings. I have a right to feel and I can say why. And ask, and what do you feel? And are you free of titles?

Is it really jealousy or distrust and fear? Sounds like having the previous behavior you are justified in having boundaries in place especially when they both admit they are attracted to each other. I think your h is turning your insecurities around on you to get you to relent on the boundaries and doubt yourself. Remember, we are supposed to listen to ourself and not "talk ourselves" out of what our natural intuition is telling us...that is rationalization which codependents are pros at which is why SA's can go on for so long in their behaviors. If you have a therapist, I would talk to them about setting boundaries where you feel some safety.

Cyn: You're right. It seems to me too like he's throwing the "you're just jealous" thing around to divert attention from the distrust he has caused himself. It seems to me that when confronted with something that is uncomfortable for us, because our Hs have proven themselves to be untrustworthy. they start throwing around little titles and calling names, and refusing to live what they caused. They caused it, but they don't want to live with the repercussions of their own actions.

My H tried all of the name-calling above. And, I wouldn't let him use that tool at all. I just agreed with him. So, I'm jealous, I'm insecure, I don't trust you, my feelings aren't what a "normal" persons would be. But, the thing is that all of that MAY well be true, but it's only true because you created those feelings by being untrustworthy and deceptive to begin with. So, live with what you created and don't do things that reinstate those feelings. And remember that when I'm uncomfortable, you're going to know about it, because I'll tell you. Then, you have the choice to do something to prevent it, or not. What do you want to do?

Yeah - maybe it made me so angry because "jealous" wasn't accurate...which I knew inside the instant he said it. It was more accurately simple distrust.