Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
Last night, I stayed up late..thinking about all this. When I finally went to bed around 2:30, my H was still awake.
He said he couldn’t stop thinking about the session and how poorly things went when we got home.
He knew something was wrong, and that I needed to talk about it..that is hopeful, BUT he was also feeling sorry for himself about my rejecting him for sx, and feeling justified in his disappointment.
Well, at that point, the dam was ready to break.
I told him what I had been feeling. How the porn, at first, just made me feel ugly, fat, not good enough, and that was "insulting"
.Then realizing I was lied to, over and over, That made me feel "injured and angry:", That when I asked him for the polygraph, and he refused over and over, I felt "alone", deceived, confused".. BUT, when I really allowed myself to SEE these images of the teens.. to really SEE them, I saw MYSELF, my inner child..
I saw victims; I saw my daughter; I saw INNOCENCE being destroyed by evil, selfish perpetrators. And I told him, that is how I feel about him.. He is now in the category of my brother, and other men that used and abused me for their sexual pleasure.
He was remorseful. He was mad at the therapist for allowing the session to go so deeply into what "turns us on", and I wasn't able to share..
He cried, and did what he does..trying to "fix" things, HIS way. I told him I may have to find a place for myself and my children, because he will not leave or have the separation I wanted.
I tried to talk about my feelings now. I told him that, when I talk about the teen porn, he shuts down,..so, surprisingly, he did not shut down last night.
We talked about the teen porn.
He told me, " I NEVER" saw them as underaged''. I'm NOT that kind of person...They say they are over 18, so that is the way I viewed them.. on the younger spectrum of the porn, but not underaged.." Then I asked, then WHY did you google search.. "little girl P..sy Videos?
He said it was just another "way" to get there-he thought he would find variety. B.L..Sh..t
I saw what he "found".and had viewed for weeks while I "spied" (and forgive me for posting such VULGAR, graphic wording here):
. teeniesland..myyoungest..tivyeve,youngleaf..teenburg, littletighties; amateur teen sx,hidden cameras..
. HARD core images of girls(and boys) that LOOK to be between 10 and 17
The US statute is very clear, that it doesn’t matter what the actual age of the person is..If they are portrayed as being "Youngest" , it can be considered CP.
Maybe I'm wrong here..My mind is so traumatized by this; I need a professional to tell me what was happening to his brain when he viewed such things. Did the porn addiction skew his thinking? Or did he ALWAYS have a compulsion for young girls? (first wife was 13, at most, when they had sx,he was 18) . He is in his 50 s, There is nothing normal about this. He said he could "understand" my anger and suspicion if he "did" something to my daughter, but he didn’t. "
So, what I did , when he continued to DEFEND himself, I went( no..stormed)
out of the BR and came back with 2 things; a picture of my 15 year old daughter; and images I had printed from the webwatcher site, just 50 or so of the thousands of thousands of images he looked at, of young girls.
I said" Here, this is a picture of >>>(daughter ) , a fifteen year old girl" , then I shoved the porn images into his face and said "
" how old does SHE look, or HER, or HER!!!? "
I broke down..I was so angry.. and went to the living room.
He did not react to the pix at all..he was silent for awhile then came to talk to me. He now feared I would leave him, or worse, that I may Report him to the police. He begged me not to leave. Begged me not to do something "stupid" like go to the police, and said perhaps he would take the lie detector. You know what is even more sad and “telling” ?
When we finally went to bed, at 4:30 am, I asked him to give me the printouts I had thrown at him....and he had hidden them under the bed! Like, I would let him keep them?
He just called now, and asked the CSAT therapist to see us sooner. We will go tomorrow night .
I told him, not to ask for sx , while we have still not dealt with this.. He said," I thought we could try and have some kind of "normal" life while we are working towards this recovery."
He doesn’t get it at all.
Well, I feel relieved!!
This sharing here is therapeutic. I will stand my ground, and not feel guilty.
I feel more able to ACCEPT that we may have to split up, and I can heal myself (as some of the ladies said in comments :)
I feel that I don’t have to accept what the therapist says as law..and I will care for myself and my children. That is what God wants from me..That’s what I want for myself.
He said he couldn’t stop thinking about the session and how poorly things went when we got home.
He knew something was wrong, and that I needed to talk about it..that is hopeful, BUT he was also feeling sorry for himself about my rejecting him for sx, and feeling justified in his disappointment.
Well, at that point, the dam was ready to break.
I told him what I had been feeling. How the porn, at first, just made me feel ugly, fat, not good enough, and that was "insulting"
.Then realizing I was lied to, over and over, That made me feel "injured and angry:", That when I asked him for the polygraph, and he refused over and over, I felt "alone", deceived, confused".. BUT, when I really allowed myself to SEE these images of the teens.. to really SEE them, I saw MYSELF, my inner child..
I saw victims; I saw my daughter; I saw INNOCENCE being destroyed by evil, selfish perpetrators. And I told him, that is how I feel about him.. He is now in the category of my brother, and other men that used and abused me for their sexual pleasure.
He was remorseful. He was mad at the therapist for allowing the session to go so deeply into what "turns us on", and I wasn't able to share..
He cried, and did what he does..trying to "fix" things, HIS way. I told him I may have to find a place for myself and my children, because he will not leave or have the separation I wanted.
I tried to talk about my feelings now. I told him that, when I talk about the teen porn, he shuts down,..so, surprisingly, he did not shut down last night.
We talked about the teen porn.
He told me, " I NEVER" saw them as underaged''. I'm NOT that kind of person...They say they are over 18, so that is the way I viewed them.. on the younger spectrum of the porn, but not underaged.." Then I asked, then WHY did you google search.. "little girl P..sy Videos?
He said it was just another "way" to get there-he thought he would find variety. B.L..Sh..t
I saw what he "found".and had viewed for weeks while I "spied" (and forgive me for posting such VULGAR, graphic wording here):
. teeniesland..myyoungest..tivyeve,youngleaf..teenburg, littletighties; amateur teen sx,hidden cameras..
. HARD core images of girls(and boys) that LOOK to be between 10 and 17
The US statute is very clear, that it doesn’t matter what the actual age of the person is..If they are portrayed as being "Youngest" , it can be considered CP.
Maybe I'm wrong here..My mind is so traumatized by this; I need a professional to tell me what was happening to his brain when he viewed such things. Did the porn addiction skew his thinking? Or did he ALWAYS have a compulsion for young girls? (first wife was 13, at most, when they had sx,he was 18) . He is in his 50 s, There is nothing normal about this. He said he could "understand" my anger and suspicion if he "did" something to my daughter, but he didn’t. "
So, what I did , when he continued to DEFEND himself, I went( no..stormed)
out of the BR and came back with 2 things; a picture of my 15 year old daughter; and images I had printed from the webwatcher site, just 50 or so of the thousands of thousands of images he looked at, of young girls.
I said" Here, this is a picture of >>>(daughter ) , a fifteen year old girl" , then I shoved the porn images into his face and said "
" how old does SHE look, or HER, or HER!!!? "
I broke down..I was so angry.. and went to the living room.
He did not react to the pix at all..he was silent for awhile then came to talk to me. He now feared I would leave him, or worse, that I may Report him to the police. He begged me not to leave. Begged me not to do something "stupid" like go to the police, and said perhaps he would take the lie detector. You know what is even more sad and “telling” ?
When we finally went to bed, at 4:30 am, I asked him to give me the printouts I had thrown at him....and he had hidden them under the bed! Like, I would let him keep them?
He just called now, and asked the CSAT therapist to see us sooner. We will go tomorrow night .
I told him, not to ask for sx , while we have still not dealt with this.. He said," I thought we could try and have some kind of "normal" life while we are working towards this recovery."
He doesn’t get it at all.
Well, I feel relieved!!
This sharing here is therapeutic. I will stand my ground, and not feel guilty.
I feel more able to ACCEPT that we may have to split up, and I can heal myself (as some of the ladies said in comments :)
I feel that I don’t have to accept what the therapist says as law..and I will care for myself and my children. That is what God wants from me..That’s what I want for myself.
About the CP - that scares me. Up until the other day I hadn't found anything like that. Then I seen where he pulled up pics of an old girlfriend of our sons. She is only 18, I told him that pretty much verges on underage girls. He said he wasn't looking at her pics that way, but in history on the computer it was sandwiched between 2 other women that he was looking at that way.
I feel all of it is sick, but the CP is somehow more sick then the other.
Glad to hear that your hubby is willing to go to counseling, mine is not, yet.
A female therapist I saw told me "just ingnore what he's doing and go on with your life. We get older, we don't look as we once did, men like to browse younger women." Welllll, I had to tell her....I think you can accept your own advice...since that works for you. But "I" am not willing to live a phony life, with a man who is dissatisfied with me...and likes to "browse." And I don't "have" to ignore "anything" that I don't like...either in my marriage, or outside it. So, you're fired!" She expected that I would "pay" her to tell me put up with it? Or to "attempt" to convince "me" that my feelings don't matter? And, that marital intimacy doesn't matter? And, that a woman's place is just to "tolerate" what her husband chooses to do? Oh, my....I don't think so! SO fired!
..He mentioned something the other day about how our sex life had gotten "boring"..REALLY?? and your answer was to watch porn?How about our sex life becoming non existent?
I have been a very sexual person, my whole life. I dont think another man would get bored with me, if we had a true love, and true intimacy. His boredom I feel, had alot to do with our lack of understanding and lack of communication in the marriage. There is no "boring" when two people are emotionally charged/connected., but, thats just me. I've never been called boring in bed in the past!!!
:)
I did that earlier in my life...naive....in a previous marriage...and I learned by "experience" that isn't good at all. So, I don't do that...I haven't done that for well over thirty years. Not likely to occur now either! And, anyone who even ponders using my body like a garbage dump...best think again. Better find someone else to dump on! I "saw" the sexual acts and the kinds of women who will accept money to do them.....ahhhhh, no thanks! And, a Mercedes won't do either!
However, if a man wants to make love, feel connected, and reach the platitude or pinnacle of loving...ok....got it covered! HA! HA!
Mary, your H's comment of your sex life being boring is BS. Mine is trying to say I don't dress sexy enough at night. These are all ways of them trying to "justify" what they are doing.
Our sex life has always been great, lately though it hasn't been near as frequent as either of us would like. I am going through menopause so I know that is an issue with my lack of interest, but I know I would be more interested if I didn't keep finding crap on the computer that he has viewed.
He swears up and down when he looks at that stuff he doesn't become erect or "act out". Then do tell - what's the point? Sorry I find that extremely hard to believe, especially since we are only having sex once every couple of weeks and he doesn't ummm.... errr.... get done quickly.
He also swears up and down that when he is having sex with me he is not thinking of what he has viewed. Sorry - having extreme difficulty believing that as well.
Hang in there ladies.
I don't back up from such ridiculas statements. My H didn't get away with that at all! Curiosity? Cant help but laugh!