I told him THREE years ago i want a divorce. He did nothing! I reminded him a year and a half ago that i still want a divorce. He still did nothing! A month ago he asked me if i had changed my mind yet. Again i told him i still want a divorce. I reminded him that in the past 3 years he has done nothing to change my mind. His defense is that he was giving me "space". Well, i never asked for space nor did i need it OR want it. He FINALLY realize that i am and have been serious all the previous years when i begged him to quit porn. All the times ive begged him to choose me instead of his perfectly air brushed always willing to satate his fantisies FAKE 2 dimentional whores. He chose them. He chose wrong. He finally realized that even though he has been watching "free" porn he has actually paid an outrageous price. It cost him me. He wasnt the only one paying a price for his "entertainment" of choice. I've had to pay a much higher price. My self worth. My self esteem. My mental health. My husband.
I have grown. I am not the same person who begged him many times before. I am done begging for his love. I am done begging him to be attracted to me. I am done begging him to choose me. I am done loving a man who doesnt return that love.
I am a lot stronger now. The road to recovering myself hasnt been easy. But it has been reached. I can honestly say that i no longer care how he chooses to entertain himself. It no longer hurts me. I am above that now.
Though i have to admit he does still hurt me.
The fact that he waited 3 years to finally hear me. After ive been yelling at him to do so for over 15 years. It took 3 years after i decide to end this facade of a marriage for him to start recovery. How dare he think that i will choose to stay with a man who has lied to me for nearly 2 decades. Broken promises to me countless times. Has dismissed my fellings and values as an overreaction. Why would i choose to stay with a man who only after the 1 year mark approches till my departure finally decides to "change my mind"? Guess what. I'm very happy he has decided to seek help, even though he claims he's not addicted yet admits he needs help to quit. He has a long road ahead of him. I hope he sticks it out. But i doubt he will. Either way, i will NOT be by his side while he relapses repeatedly. I will not get my hopes up that the man i married will one day return. I have accepted he is gone to me forever. Even if he did return, theres no way i would be able to trust he wouldnt be eventually replaplaced by this hallow version that has caused me so much pain!
I will be leaving as soon as my youngest turns 18. Hopefully i will have enough saved by then to hire a lawyer. If not, i'll make due.