I'm here!
I am so sorry that you are going through this again. I know the pain that comes after 5 years of sobriety or thinking there was sobriety. I know the relief when things seem to work out. I also know the pain and struggle of deciding whether to divorce or not. I have been with my husband for 25 years. There have been many relapses. This last time, we reconciled after a 1.25 year separation (that started out as going to be a divorce). My husband has been a sex addict since a very young age. I like to think that THIS time with almost 2 years sobriety, he is truly in recovery. He outwardly is doing all the right things (group, individual counseling, involvement in writing literature for S.A.A.) but you are right, who knows for sure. I said LAST time that if it happened again, I was divorcing him. I think the reason people suggest counseling for us is so that we see things clearly. Not just give tough lip service like I have done but carry through with healthy, good decisions for us and our children. It is difficult because there are practical and emotional decisions to make. It would be easy to say leave him but if it were easy, you would do it. If you want, we can start "talking" about this and go through it step-by-step. It would help me too. First, are you in counseling? Let's focus just on that. I'm not this time although I have been to individual and marriage. But after receiving your email, I know I need to go back. What about you? If you care to answer or not, I am sending you the strongest thoughts I can for some answers and peace.

I'm glad you are here! We had a lot of counseling last time, where we mostly worked on me and my family of origin issues (somehow I always felt attacked and we talked mainly about me even tho I didn't cause the problem). So I fully understand my issues and can take a step back and understand where my thoughts are coming from. I want to find a new counselor that can help me be true to myself and walk me through this situation...keeping me accountable to take action when I need to. I'm thinking someone with a trauma and addiction background could be helpful, what do you think?

I also said last time I would divorce him if he talked to women on the internet again...and he did. His PAs always start that way. I may be divorcing him but I am not ready to make any decisions right now.

My husband never took recovery seriously. He went to some meetings but the closest was over an hour away and he quit going. I was OK with that because I started to question if he even had an addiction or if he just cheated because he could. Now I clearly see an addiction. Part of me thinks if he gets serious about recovery ON HIS OWN, I might think about letting him stay. Another part of me wants to ensure I NEVER go through a "slip" again!

For now, I think I will play the distance game and get my head in the right place. He isn't even talking yet or telling me the full truth...only fesses up to what he knows I know :(.

We have been married almost 11 years. What advice would you give? I don't want the rest of my life to look like this. I don't want my sons to have these issues and don't want my daughter to think it is OK. I know there really is no obvious right/wrong path here.

First I want to mention that you seem to have a good "head on your shoulders." I think whatever the final outcome of this is, I have faith that you will be fine!
YES! I have been putting off going to counseling because I do think this takes finding the right counselor who specializes in sex addiction. We have gone to an addiction branch of our health provider but even there, they are not really prepared to deal with sex addiction. I was once told to do fantasy type dressing (ex. French maid) or meet in a bar as if we didn't know each other. Ah, if only sex addiction were that simple (well…and if that was me). I also keep in mind that while I have some part in our problems, I have no part in his sex addiction. Some of the world's most beautiful and shapely women have ended up with sex addicts for husbands. I am lucky because I live fairly close to sex addiction resources. My issue is that we already pay a hefty premium plus co-pays for medical (which could include counseling) each month. It is hard to financially accept paying another $150 or so per session for private counseling. We are on a limited fixed income. But when you think about it, if our whole lives fall apart the $150+ looks relatively inexpensive if it could possibly be helpful. So I guess that is my "homework" task. I will start researching the place that will give me the best chance at real help.
One question before I close for now. You mentioned if he "gets serious about recovery ON HIS OWN." Do you mean if he takes the steps without you suggesting/pushing for it? What would show you that he is serious? Okay…back to working on some deadlines I have.

"What would show me he is serious?". I don't know. That's one thing I am struggling with. If he chooses help on his own and gets excited about it, that might be an indicator. My brother in law had drug addiction issues and told me if a man is serious about recovery, it will be all he ever talks about and he should be excited to see changes in himself. He doesn't think that can be faked very easily. That might be an indicator. But the last three years I thought things were great. I had the occasional gut feeling but very minor. Now I see he was acting out that entire time. He could easily hide things like that from me again .

My husband became a cop a couple of years ago. I didn't think it was a good idea but he wanted the job and it seemed stable as compared to the one he had. Throughout his stay at the academy I was nervous and he assured me he was doing well. Well he really wasn't. With his job, he can cheat on me any time he wants and I have no way of verifying. He gets stuck on calls and gets home late. I have no way of knowing if he is really on a call or not. This would be another issue if we stay together.

The money is one reason we quit going to counseling last time. That and the hour+ drive each h way to see a CSAT. And since he was emotionally abusive at the time he usually took his frustrations out on me on the way home and then we wouldn't talk for a week. Marriage counseling isn't supposed to do that! I hope you find a counselor that can help give you the support and guidance you need without breaking the bank. I need to start that search, too (I hate looking for counselors...have seen too many that did more harm than good).

Yikes…I was wrong about $150+ for counseling. The specialists here charge $200 - $250 a session. I guess that won't be the route to go. I did see another facility that specializes in sex addiction which was more like the $100+ figure. However the directors, who are also counselors, verbally stumbled a lot when making their video (not a good way to instill confidence in their abilities). I agree with you. I do not want to waste my time going to someone who is not good at what they do. I guess we will start with couples counseling again at Kaiser until we can find someone. What they offer is pretty basic. Mostly building communication skills and problem solving but at least it will encourage talking/sharing. He will ask his therapist tomorrow to make the referral. Are you waiting for your husband to start the discussion on what has occurred? Are you talking at all? How are you doing today?

That is pretty pricey!

He isn't initiating conversation but I am some. I messaged some of the women on his secret FB account. Some were old friends of his. At least one he had an affair with long ago. She said they were purely platonic and I believe it. Watching him closely I really feel like it was just talking this time. I keep asking myself if I really believe that or if I simply believe that because I want to. I think I really believe it stopped at talking but the only way to be sure is a polygraph, which I think he would do...just not sure if I need one.

He said he thinks he would benefit from a counselor but didn't feel like he fit in with the real "out there" people in the 12 step program. He is searching for a basic phone or an app that will monitor him for me and keep him accountable. That was all his idea, so I am feeling better today.

What stage of discovery are you in?

Hi WoodsieChic,
I haven't forgotten about you and often wonder how things are going. I have been super busy, a new grandchild. some family celebrations and am getting ready to go on another 3 week road trip. It involves family history, nature and the arts so I have been very involved in preparing.

Anyway, I hope that you are feeling okay and have found some sort of support. How are things are home? My husband asked his counselor for referral to couple therapy. I know different programs and philosophies, have different ways of talking about stages of discovery/recovery so I am not sure I will answer this in the way you are asking. I would say I am moving away from ambivalence (and some residual pain) and into repair. I have not had full disclosure from my husband. I think because this all is so old to me (basically 25 years off and on with sobriety in-between for periods of time), I probably won't ask for any more specifics. I know a lot. I feel that it would push me backwards and I am willing to go forward with just one final question to him which would be, "Is there anything more you want to tell me, that would upset me if I found out later?" This is my last effort. I want my marriage (never thought I would say that) but sex addiction is so damaging in so many ways that I can't/won't go through it again if he relapses.

I've been in the "wait and see" stage. Wait and see if he goes to counseling. Wait and see if he gets help for his addiction. Wait and see what else I find out.

This morning I found a message from a woman via his secret FB account. A young, attractive woman apparently in the military with him, but much lower ranking than he is. Apparently he and a friend used to eat lunch with her and now that his friend left the base, my husband has had lunch with her. His story checks out with his friend, but the woman did not respond to the message I sent her asking about the nature of their relationship...although I can see she read it. So why the need to keep this friendship secret? Why eat lunch with her and open the door to an affair? He knows I would not be OK with it. I ate lunch alone with a male coworker old enough to be my dad when another female coworker had to bail on us...it felt awkward and inappropriate to me. And here he is eating lunch with a younger, much lower ranking woman with a FB wall full of selfies where she is obviously seeking compliments. AND he is keeping it secret. I am irate. I am embarrassed that I am put in situations where I feel the need to ask others if he is lying. I am embarrassed my husband has been seen with an attractive other woman when many know his track record. I am so disappointed and hurt and angry right now. Its like he is just hiding things...not trying to change things. :(

I hope you have a lovely vacation! Don't worry about me...I have been talking to my sister some, although I do appreciate talking to someone else in a similar position! I hope things go well for you and you never end up in this situation again. I think my next step is a polygraph. If he has had sex with anyone since we reconciled, I will be done.

I hate the phrase, "I feel your pain" but now I understand how it originated. I can honestly feel how much pain and turmoil you are in. I remember the times I was there too. It is awful and feels never ending. The sad thing about it is that with me, the different relapses have both toughened and deadened some of my feelings. That's not to say I don't cry or feel pain or wouldn't if my husband relapsed again but I know I have changed. Last year I went on a 3 week road trip by myself - Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio and Missouri. I live in California and have never been to any of those states except a part of Ohio. I went kayaking for the first time ever down a creek my ancestors settled in Indiana in the 1800's. Trust me when I say that several years ago I would have never done this. I mean NEVER. I am not an "afraid" person but there are things out of my comfort zone. I did it because I needed to do it. I kept going back and forth on divorce, selling my home of 25 years and starting all over somewhere new. I didn't want to but I knew if I had to, I could. Just like I know that whatever comes your way, you can do it. The trip was the best thing I could have done for myself. It reaffirmed that I am capable. I met so many nice people along the way, that it reaffirmed that people like me. That is one of the many things that is bad about sex addiction, it robs the partners of many things, self esteem being one of them. I am so sorry that your husband is not taking the initiative to set up a counseling appt. and that you continue to find things. I am glad you have your sister. Are you able to tell her everything? That was one thing that helped me (a best friend). I could not tell my mother or sister. They both love my husband very much and have very strong beliefs about sex which would have permanently destroyed how they feel about him. My best friend is very nonjudgmental and caring but also honest if I get too far off best. I am not leaving for 2 weeks so will stay in touch. Actually, I will take my laptop with me so will be in touch while gone too.

I think my feelings are deadened as well. I am so much calmer this time around...granted this time my world has not completely fallen down around me as I knew this was a possibility when I gave him a second chance, but I sometimes have to remind myself I am angry with him! I also have no problems eating...just an occasional night of not sleeping the best (but having a baby doesn't help that either).

A big part of my decision is around my home. After we started rebuilding our marriage, we bought our dream property. It would be tough to afford it on my own. And my kiddos...I never wanted to raise them in a broken home. I question if leaving him is best...to prevent my boys from becoming like him and my daughter from thinking this treatment is okay (not that they see it, yet anyways). Then I wonder if it is best to stay because he is perhaps more likely to change if I am pushing him/he has a family to work for.

"He" actually told me he doesn't want a 12 step group or counseling. He wants ME to help him. I think he was quite surprised when I said "oh yeah? Well I don't WANT to help you". Sure I can be there to support him and encourage him. But whether he gets his ducks in a row or not is not going to be up to me. I don't want there to be any way he somehow makes it my fault if he slips again.

When I asked why he had added this woman on his secret FB account his response was "well that was easier than arguing with you". I have never argued with him when he added someone. I just point out that he is SUPPOSED to be discussing adding women with me BEFORE doing it...to help hold him accountable and to make sure I feel okay with it. He just added a non-threatening female a week or so ago, and asked me first. Yet this selfie-taking, attention seeker, he added on his own to his secret account. He KNEW how I would feel about it so he added her to the secret account so I wouldn't know. How nice it is to know my husband knows how I would feel and doesn't care...all so he can be someone's FB friend...apparently that is worth it to him.

My anger stems from wondering if I have been played the last five years while he was supposedly in recovery, or if he has just been playing this game the entire time. Did he ever intend to stop? Does he even see anything wrong with it?

He says he wants to change because he doesn't want to end up hated like his father is. It had ticked me off that he wanted to change so HE isn't hated...not to stop hurting ME. But I guess it is good he wants to change for him...if that is true, which I don't believe it is.

I don't think he has any intention of changing at this point. He will play it safe for a while, blow smoke up my rear and then find a new sneaky way to hide it next time. So why don't I feel like leaving? Because it is easier to stay?

I am seriously considering making him take a polygraph. If he slept with someone yet again, I will no doubt be done. If not, I will stick it out. But I feel like I should only be sticking it out if he shows signs of REALLY wanting to change. Maybe in time. Right now he isn't very comfortable at home. If eyes could shoot daggers he would be in a world of hurting :)

I am having a "down day." I was out of town for 2 nights and 3 days. My husband used to act out a lot while I was gone. He did it when I was in town too but I am especially sensitive to being gone and what happens. I began feeling suspicious because some of the old behaviors that he exhibited when I got back. He does not usually help around here and he did some chores/projects around the house while I was gone. This used to be so I wouldn't know he "wasted time" with his addiction. He used to get irritable too after he acted out. He wrote a crazy sounding Facebook post that was so reminiscent of the past when he has acted out. I mean, I was embarrassed. My husband will rant when it comes to politics or religion. We are feel differently than most of our friends. There is having a discussion or debate and then there is ranting. This was ranting and probably a side of him a lot of people haven't seen. I used to have a gallery with big public events so am somewhat "known" in the community. Anyway, I told him I was suspicious and asked him if I had anything to be concerned about and he assured me that "absolutely" I didn't. That is just another by-product of addiction - you have a hard time trusting again (which sometimes is good, I suppose). We should have, and should, trust our instincts more. I totally understand your questioning and anger. I am just always broad-sided when it hits me out of the blue.

I am glad that you are not helping your husband with his recovery. It is up to him and it sounds like just a way to "get out of dealing with the problem and getting professional help." It is much easier to "snow" us then a professional (although that happens too). Hope that was not too blunt. I am just in a suspicious mood today and probably shouldn't be posting myself. Anyway, I hope this passes. Hope you are doing okay.

Dear Woodsie

I'm sorry, I haven't been on here for the longest time. I've only just recently logged in again and I'm so so saddened to hear what you've been going through this last year. I know it was quite a while since you last posted but I just wanted to send you the biggest hug and hope you're doing okay. This is such a &#@*^! awful thing to deal with, it just breaks my heart to hear what your husband has been up to. Again.

I hope you've been able to find some kind of peace and clarity since you posted. I'm sorry this group has gone so quiet and it's become much harder to find support here. I really do hope you've been able to find some other sources of support, it's so important. And so damn hard to find! Reading one of your earlier posts it sounds like the therapist you were seeing was not right. I really think we need to see therapists trained in issues related to being the partner of a sex addict. CSATs and those who have trained under Barbara Steffens. I'm not sure how $$ they are. I think the coaches on Marsha Means' website offer specialized coaching that is quite affordable (don't quote me on this).

I'm feeling a bit helpless and wishing there was something I could do. I think no one can understand just how devastating this is unless we've gone through it ourselves. I certainly feel your pain and understand the struggle.

Sending you lots of love and strength and a big hug.
Silla

And hi NewHarmony

It's nice to see a familiar face around here. Kinda sad too that we're still dealing with all this muck...

I'm so pleased you were here to support Woodsie when she needed it. I hope you're also doing okay.

Big hugs
Silla