Dear Lost and Lonely,
As you said, many of us have gone through the same thing. For me, what you wrote was almost EXACTLY the same. Briefly - a 25 year relationship with 21.5 years marriage. He, a sex addict, from a young age. I naively thought when we married, it was behind him (with no treatment or anything). After 2 years of marriage he started acting out again but I didn't know it. There were many times something didn't seem right but he always denied it and I always, while still suspicious, wanted to believe him. We had been married for about 13 years when I discovered otherwise. There have been so many relapses since that I can't really repeat the chronology except that he was sober for 4 years one time (when I thought it was 5). Promises, tears and I'm sure sincerity at the time to stop. Yes, SAA and individual counseling for him most of the last 8 years. We went through marriage counseling and both said our relationship had never been better (and then he acted out again).

We separated and I was considering divorce. A few people knew but others I could never tell like my mom and sister who adore my husband. They couldn't understand what I was doing or why. Like you, there were things I wanted to maintain about my relationship (even under the circumstances) and my home is VERY important to me. We would have to sell the home and I wasn't sure, on two small fixed incomes, how either of us would survive. But at that point, I did need piece of mind. I didn't want to be suspicious anymore. It is a horrible way to live. I was, like you, surprising calm. Sad some times but I knew I could survive one way or another. Even if it was living in some inexpensive, remote area.

A LOT happened, including him on medications for clinical depression and thought disorder. We reconciled (6 months together now). He is adamant having been separated that he does not want that and will maintain his sobriety. Do I believe he is sincere after 1.5 years separated - yes. Do I believe he could relapse - yes. So I will give this ONE MORE try and then no more.

Has your husband admitted to his therapist and group about his one year dishonesty? Is he still going? What are his feelings about the past year? For the future?

I am not sure what you are proposing for yourself. Are you saying leaving everything as it is but have no relationship with him? My experience is that after a while you will fall back into the relationship part even if it is without sex. You will relate to him as your husband. He will continue to act out. How do you handle that? I can understand you wanting a home and both parents around for your daughter. It would be hard on her if you separate or divorce. The only thing to remember is that she is learning how relationships work through what you and your husband model. These are the patterns she will carry into adulthood for herself. Helping her develop into a strong, capable woman with boundaries, in my opinion, is more important than giving her an intact family that "isn't working." My children are grown but I have two precious grandchildren. One is a 2.5 year old girl. I want her to have the best in life and to never settle for less than she deserves (as I would have wished for myself but as you said I have been weak with low self-esteem and didn't demand that). I want my grandson of one month to also have all he deserves. I want them both to be honest, loving and respectful people who understands the nature of good relationships and caring for themselves and others.

I would think the first step for you is to be very clear in your own mind on exactly what kind of relationship you want with your husband in staying together in the same house. This may also be where remaining in therapy will help as you have a big, hard task ahead of you. I am so sorry that you are faced with this - the pain, the decisions. It is all so hard. Please keep in touch.

You are right. I DON'T know what I want. All I know is that I cannot continue to be trampled on emotionally. I know I must come to a decision on my own. For now I have asked him to sleep in another room. I am thinking of asking him to go find an apartment, but I don't know what that would do to us financially. Although I fully want him involved in raising our daughter, I do not want her to live elsewhere other than home. One option would be to tell him he can be at the house any day and any time with her, but just cannot sleep in he same house as us. How do I tell my family and friends who love him and think the world of him. Do we go to family events together? Do we still host our family and friends at our house together? What do I do about the spring break I already paid for for next year?
I know I'm just venting. I'm expecting everything to fit in a little box.
Had I NOT just had this most recent discovery, we would go about our happy fun lives together.

I am seriously so confused.
I think my therapist, or any other therapist would look at me and say what's wrong with you. How many chances can you give a person? Get out!

Anyway, thanks for the support.

I am in TN on a trip. It is almost 1 a.m. and I just got to a hotel with WiFi. I will post tomorrow after some much needed sleep. Hang in there!

Not knowing how to handle it or what you want is perfectly normal. You are weighing so many things and you are in a vulnerable state right now. I can't tell you the number of times I have said in trying to figure things out, "I just wish this wouldn't have happened." If you haven't, I wouldn't tell your family and the majority of your friends. A best, supportive, non-judgmental friend was very valuable to me but I am still working through the reaction and distance of my son (not my husband's son). One "good" friend just didn't get the whole thing and that was stressful trying to explain it repeatedly. If I had told my mom and my sister, it would have been irreparable. You never know how you will resolve all of this with your husband until it is completely resolved one way or the other and you don't want to add an extra element to the whole thing (reaction of family/friends). The flip side is that you won't have their support which is difficult or, in my case, my mom and sister thinking I was crazy to separate from such a good man that they love. I decided I would rather deal with that.

We started out by him sleeping downstairs and the I gave him a month to find a place. It ended up being a room only blocks away. We did not go to most family events together BUT I gave my family the freedom to invite him if they wanted to their special events and then we did go together. We missed celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary together and my granddaughter's first birthday. We cancelled a paid-for vacation and we cancelled hosting Thanksgiving which was hard as my whole family never gets together and my mom is in her 80's so this was important. I just couldn't do it. Things aren't the same as much as we would like them to be and there are hardships but it comes with "the journey" and helping to figure things out for yourself.

Therapist are good for bouncing things off of and getting (hopefully) objective guidance. It is also helpful for you to be honest with a therapist even when they do think you are nuts. I'm sure mine did with the number of times I gave him another chance. I just listened and weighed what she said. If I really didn't agree, I said "I'm not able to do that yet." Or something to that affect.

You will be alright. I KNOW you will be alright. This is just a horrible, horrible time. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to special things. Find that one good friend for support.

I just about could have written this post word for word :( 11 years marriage, big discovery after 5 years and lots of therapy then I thought things were good for five years...they were really only good for a year or so. Now I keep catching him talking to women and then lying about it. Why can't he JUST STOP!?!?

I found a new support group in the area PoSA that I went to this week. I'm just amazed how many people are going through this. I know that proper counseling/therapy are important. I'm just thinking to myself - how do I make that work with a full time job and a young child that is involved in many activities.

I did ask him to sleep in the other room. I brought up the idea of him finding a place to live. He has looked into it but unfortunately in our area a tiny studio is super expensive and a 1bd is as much as my mortgage! I want some space, but I do not want to put us in financial jeopardy.

I find myself still eerily calm,even in the 2nd week of another "Dday" Perhaps this is good and it means it will allow my brain rather than my heart to make decisions

Thanks for all your support!

I am also calm...I think because I am no longer surprised. This problem is common enough it makes me scared of any relationship. I could remarry and be duped for years or never find out! Sometimes I want to move on...sometimes I want to pretend it didn't happen...I always hope he gets real help but I doubt that happens. Sometimes I wonder if it is really addiction or if men are just entitled jerks that think they should be able to play whether we like it or not.

I SO hate what this addiction does to families, to women living through it. I won't tell my story because it's same as yours and all partners of addicted. For me, the pain of reoccurring discovery was worse than losing him to death. I kept losing my best friend. Like you all said, he was so wonderful in every other way. And his pain and embarrassment was genuine. I know it hurt him to hurt me and he couldn't stop. I took him back 3 times over 4 years. This last time we lived as friends in separate bedrooms to see if with treatment, counseling we could overcome. It failed. I hope there is hope for those who struggle. SA is a real crusher. It's a double edged sword. Someone you love is struggling with addiction and it hurts to see them continue to undermine their own happiness. But it hurts more to be insulted as a woman. It is important to take care of your own self, your children. Eventually the addict has to wake up and take responsibility for their actions. No amount of love can make it right unless the addicted is fully and constantly committed to being well for a LONG time. And even then, there just isn't any way to be sure. Truly a lifetime battle. Good luck to all. Wishing you love and peace. I hope we will hear of success stories some day soon.