Hi Mary - With the exception of having an obsession with underage girls, my H was very similar inasmuch as he was addicted to fantasy and not to the actual act of sx. Like your H, my H has had problems with impotence and has a very low self esteem. He also never physically cheated on me although he did have an emotional affair (for lack of a better term) with a woman he met at the gym many years ago.
On the one hand it is good that your H lacked the courage to act on his lustful thoughts, but it would be vital to his recovery (and I do believe he can recover so have hope) to find out why he feels this way about post pubescent girls. I fully believe that most addictions begin in childhood/adolescence. Something may have triggered this from that stage of his development that is deeply buried. It may take years to uncover. My own H is still working on unblocking painful memories which are holding him back in some areas of his recovery, but he is determined to keep working on these things.
On some level your H must be relieved to have gotten past the polygraph.
Also, based on what you discovered, according to my H who is very active in SA 12 step programs, these kinds of fantasies aren't uncommon among SAs. But I believe as I said previously, that there is a reason for this.
With sobriety value systems begin to change (slowly) and clearer thinking begins to take over, but that takes a great deal of time.
If you intend to stay in the marriage, try to turn the focus back to yourself and don't worry about forgiving him for the moment.
Hugs!!

I wrote a whole reply and lost it....frustration......Ok I will recap or try to...

Many positives Mary. You found a therapist you like and trust. You got your h to do a polygraph so now all the churning doubt there is gone which has to be a relief. My h refused poly and we didn't have therapists who support it so good for you. Many positives.

No one can answer the questions that you ask...not even you which creates fear and that is a fear we all live with living with an addict. We are never guaranteed any sobriety at all. Can only observe and tend to ourselves so when the time comes, if ever, we can listen to ourselves, believe ourselves and act in our best interest. Your therapist feels inpatient would serve your h well. We didn't do inpatient but many have with good results. My h and I did outpatient intensive for a week in Scottsdale AZ at PCS, specializing in SA. It was fantastic and one week was worth a year of weekly therapy. Less expensive than inpatient and a great kickstart to recovery. I actually went two weeks by myself to deal with my trauma and issues. If they feel your h needs further treatment they will suggest it and trust me they will know. If that is an option for you I would highly recommend investigating it. It was a life changer for both my h and myself whether we stayed together or not. They would be able to answer your questions. That was what we did for our recovery and although no one WANTS to go some NEED to go. Especially when your questions involve your daughter and her safety.

Mary: I see you are very actively pursuing getting answers to your questions. That is so good. It takes a lot of effort and bravery to tackle the problems you've encountered. Good that you've come this far. I have to agree with Wach and Cyn...no one can answer your remaining questions but you. There are some things that I "personally" would be weighing. I'll share those and maybe it might help?

The questions you struggle with about his underlying psyhe would best be discussed with a qualified professional. And, I think you shared that even the one you two were seeing felt inadequate to handle such an obsession. Cyn offered a very good resource. Did the psych offer a resource? Did your husband refuse because of lack of funds or for other reasons? You said, "more than just addiciton and suggested my H go to inpatient intensive therapy. My H was violently opposed." In what way? What did he say? Why was he so opposed?

If he is afraid to address his own issues, how can you possibly feel safe? He is far more aware of his issues than anyone else. So, you are even more at a disadvantage than he is. His behavior isn't likely to hurt him. But, there is the possibility it "could" hurt someone else. So, his opposition doesn't appear to be focused in the right direction. Which is more important? His fear? Or safety? And, if there is help available, why would he refuse it? You shared, " What does this say about his understanding of "innocence"? Yes, what does it say? And, if he isn't willing to seek help in order to protect those innocents...then what does that say? It's obvious that he does need serious help. But, only he can come to that realization.

You can't become responsible for his realizations. But, you can accept and address your realizations that come from his behavior. Can you set his issues aside, and address your safety and the safety of your daughter? If he can't see the error in his thinking, you can see the error in his thinking. You can't address his thinking, but you can address the affect of it on your behalf. A qualified professional has indicated to you both that is problems are "more" than just an addiction. That is the situation at hand for you to address. You know that now. And, since he is unwilling to seek proper professionals, you certainly can't disentangle his thinking. Even a psych felt incapable, and refused responsibility for that.

So, I'd have to say don't expect more of yourself than you are able to address. Continue to see professional help.

You asked "Do you think he is a risk to my daughter (15 years old ) or other young females?" Can't answer that either. But, you might be able to answer whether or not your daughter is aware of his problem. And, whether or not she feels secure in your love and herself enough to tell you if she even feels uncomfortable or threatened by him in any way. What her perception is of his presence. And whether or not you feel you can create adequate boundaries and an environment where you can protect your daughter. Safety is priority to me...always....especially where children are involved. Even knowing that he has such propensities is traumatic...as you know. But, not knowing can be far more detrimental.

I can say that in a much smaller way I did feel a need to address issues about those who cross appropriate boundaries. As soon as my daughter was old enough to understand me, I let her know there are such people. I told her that if "anyone" at all ever attempted to suggest sexual things, or attempted to touch her in suggestive ways, that she should get away from them immediately and tell me so that I could take care of it. As it turned out, though I struggled with exposing her even to the thought that some are like that, it payed off. Two of my nephews, her cousins, did attempt that kind of behavior. she did get away immediately and she did tell me. Then, I took the reins to address them. So, it was very good that she knew. The stress and worry about telling her ended in a good outcome. That's just my personal experience. Has she spoken with a counselor? That might be a very good thing.

I don't know what it would be like to be in your situation. We can't ever really know unless we have experienced that situation. But, I would likely, at the very least, feel that I can't protect the entrie world of youngsters, but my daughter and her friends are definitely my responsibility in my mind. And, if I became aware that he had continued to do something illegal, I would assure that he couldn't do that in my home, at the very least, and likely more than that. I feel like I have been traumatized by the behavior of some in my life, and I know the results of that trauma. So, I am very aware and protective of my daughter. Her feelings and her safety are far more important to me than any adult....including me. And, I am also very protective of other innocent children. Only you know how you evaluate that and how to proceed. You have sought professional advice...good...take it. And keep seeking it.

That is a very good point Sheen. My daughters and I knew something was "off" with my h but when you grow up or the addiction takes over slowly one tends to ignore behaviors or discount them and that's when we lose our intuition slowly and my kids sort of have too. Inappropriate remarks by men should not be ignored and my daughters felt "off" but gave excuses or thought it was funny or cute etc...Their perceptions became all screwed up. Very good that you taught your daughter those boundaries and feeling comfortable in truly listening to what they know between right and wrong. VERY VERY IMPORTANT and I missed that lesson from my parents and thus didn't pass it on although now I am trying to but it might be too late as mine think I am "bitter" and therefore am skewed the other way which may have some merit.

thank you all- This is a breakthru, but, unfortunately I havent received all the answers.. I may never have all the answers. My daughter(all children) are my number one concern. That is something I have been reinforcing to him over and over, so he will not be completely shocked if I can NOT live with this secret desire he has.
I have to think this thru and talkj with the csat, to know if this is something, a part of the sex addicition, that can be overcome. I am not convinced that an inappropriate desire of that type, CAN be overcome, but thats my we are seeing a professional.
He will be working on his sexual history, and yes, there was at least one episode of abuse during his teen years.
However, Sheen, I do feel as you do: I am responsible for my daughter, granddaughter and ALL children who may be harmed by his damaged mind. We are going to the csat shortly-- will get back to you.

I just wanted to offer support. I have a 15 yr old dd who is my sa husband's stepdaughter, and I worry about the same thing. I find no proof that he was specifically drawn to underage porn, I suspect he has at the least watched it.

Im very happy that he has not acted on his impulses and that you are both seeing a csat. Big hugs to you.

Dear Mary,

I think this polygraph is a good beginning. Now, I believe you need to make certain that your communication with your daughter is as good as it can be. You need to listen to her very carefully. Make certain she feels she can talk to you. Bearing in mind what is age appropriate, she should be as aware of what is going on inside the family as possible, so that she can protect herself and so that she knows that she can talk to you and that she will be believed.

Remember too, that girls who are the subject of inappropriate advances from family members can be reluctant to express it for a variety of reasons, shame, fear, a desire not to rock the boat etc. Sometimes, the only hint a parent has, is that the child has a strong aversion to the person, or seems anxious about being alone with them. So watch out for subtle signs.

The other thing is that your daughter has no control over her life circumstances. She cannot easily choose to live somewhere else, or with somebody else. I believe that she has a right to feel safe in her own home, or that will impact on how her teenage years progress.

If you feel that your daughter is safe and feels safe, then you can decide if you want to live with his addiction, or if he is willing, with his journey of recovery. I am cautiously hopeful that, all other things being equal, there might be a path through this for you. If you can feel confident that your daughter is physically and emotionally safe, it really depends on what you want for yourself. Bless you.

Thanks blue-:)
connip: I have spoken with my daughter many many times over the years: first when she was very young, we had a number of talks about whether anyone ever touched her..including her natural father or her brothers, friends etc. She said no-Then, since being with my H, I asked her in an age appropriate way, if he ever touched her, or made her feel uncomfortable..she said no. No, since this discovery, I think I went too far. She know too much about this, and I fear I made her feel even more "unsafe" knowing that he does "like" to look at "teens". I truly wish I could take that back, becuase she is old enough to realize I was talking about porn. I have asked her several times about him. She says no he never did anything--I asked in many different ways. She did say she felt at times like he was "spying:. She does say that he is creepy etc, but there is no specific event that happened that she can pinpoint as being abuse. Believe me, I made it clear that I wanted/needed to know. She does not like him..does not want him here. If something happened, she has had several oppurtunites to say so, and he would be gone forever. I do see what you say about a child fearing telling the truth. I will approach her again..let her know she has nothing at all to fear..nothing to be ashamed of.
I think, however, that my H's behavior is more voyouristic. He may be "looking" but not touching.. because he is basically a coward with woman generally--he has admitted to me being unable to perform several times when woman have been sexually aggressive towards him in the past. He also is very fearful of jail, and may have enough "control" to not act upon his desires. All that being said, there is a "covert" abuse that could be happening here, if he is in fact having these awful thought , or is even briefly "turned on" by her beauty and innocence. I'm really about 50/50 on this marriage. Its a terrible place to be, but , at least I know more of what I am dealing with, and thats something. I do believe I'm strong enough to move on if I have to.. financially, I am very fearful, but, thats where my faith HAS to come in. Thanks everyone.

Dearest Mary,

Just to say, I know how hard this is. I'm sure you are doing as good as well as humanly possible in an insane situation. I'm always amazed by what we have to deal with and the way we roll up our sleeves and work through the issues.

I was worried about my daughter, too. I worried as much about telling her as not telling her. Like you, I was afraid of making her feel unsafe vs the possibility that she was in an unsafe situation. I didn't want to burden her either, with things that were too much for her. She is older than your daughter and I had discovered evidence that my h may have acted out with her friends, so my fears were based more about what might have happened in the past that I might have missed.

Also, my daughter now has a baby girl and I was afraid that as h had degenerated to increasingly younger targets, we couldn't predict whether, at some point in the future he might be a danger to granddaughter, even if he had not been sick enough to actually act out toward my girl when she was a teenager.

I'm not sure that any of this is of much help to you. I'm really sharing, more in the spirit of letting you know that we know how complicated, confronting and insane-making these considerations are. We've been there and we feel for you.

Balancing how much to share with your daughter in the interests of protecting her, versus how much to withhold in the interests of protecting her emotionally, is hard. I can see that you are aware of the issues so you will likely handle it in the best way. My gut feeling with my daughter was only to ask her once and after that to focus on being accessible. I based this on the idea that it was as important to show her that I believed her as much when she said "no", as when she said "yes". Then I figured that if she later wanted to amend that, she would find me both approachable and prepared to trust her.

I'm more worried about my sons these days. I think that for them, there's a tension between being repelled by their father's activities and still needing to love their father, that can lead them into the same sorts of addictions. One thing is for certain, being married to an SA plunges you into a world of hard decisions and there's no running away from the consequences. We just have to put our heads down and plough through. Ugh!