Recovery isn't impossible under the circumstances, but he really must work hard if he is traveling. There are meetings all over the country and he can make a point to try and connect with people from other groups, but he has to want to do it and there is nothing you can do about that really.
I will say this. Being apart from him might be a blessing for you inasmuch as it will give you time to focus on you and by doing so, find what is in your best interest as well as your children.
Change is scary, but sometimes change leads us to better things in life.
Stay strong!

Mary,

I'm so sorry you have this to face. I certainly can understand the difficulties you are having. I do not have any sound advice to offer I'm afraid. I just have my personal feelings of which are based on my situation.. I face the issue of my H's job (an electrician) not being a "steady one place type" career. So H is traveling quite a bit from city to city and never really knowing *if* there is a job/project for the day. I am left wondering if H is actually working, or "NOT".. Since mt H did *use* the downtime to his advantage for the addiction it REALLY bothers me. Unfortunately, there isn't much I can do about H's job or the unknowns so I just try to hope that my H will continue to do the "right" things like coming home when there is no work/project and to have a source of occupying the time, like read a book, that is good for H's recovery. So far my H has been doing/saying all the right things and I am able to hold onto that..even with his last slip, because H told me.

Having said all that, I personally don't think I honestly would be strong enough to maintain the relationship if my H didn't show acceptance of his addiction and recognizing the issues at play in regards to career/everyday life. I wouldn't be willing to live with H if he was not showing me that the marriage was far more important and to do what was best in the interest of ME/kids/marriage over the interest of self/pleasure.

That is just ME.. I have said it's all or nothing. Help ME to help YOU.. I'm not doing it for you, its your mess so you have to clean it up, I will help but not carry your dead weight. I will not tolerate the lies/secrets of any sort in any shape or form. I will not tell you what you can/can't do, you're a big boy and I'm not your mommy-we have 5 kids that need a mommy, you don't.. but your choices of what you choose to do will SHOW ME how much you really want this/me/recovery to work.. so if you show me nothing, you get nothing.

Even with all the good and right things my H and I have accompolished, I still have my struggles day to day.. I stress over expressing them just like you do in fear of making things worse or having conflict BUT I see that when I don't say them and try to keep it in.. it actually ends up making things worse between us. Do I sometimes feel like "why bother? and "I don't want to try to do this anymore..be easier to cut ties and just be DONE" Yes I do! Then I just remember.. "all or nothing" goes both ways.. I give nothing I get nothing..

Again, if My H was thinking of leaving at a time like this, with no signs of recovery or admitting the wrongs, acting out, and lie/secrets.. I would say to MY H "if you make the choice to walk out the door, know it isn't going to open back up for you."

That's just ME. Would it be easy? painless? simple? probably not. but definitely done because I'm worth more than that.

MY 2 CENTS..

Wachit has better advice! HA! listen to her! don't listen to me!

(hugs)

Thank you both..and 5 angel, your advice DOES matter--so thank you..
I was feeling overwhlemed by all this..took a nap--woke up and he was out at a meeting..went to my computer and got a notice (from my spyware program,that he thinks i deleted)
that he was watching the porn again. ..odd, fetish stuff--he seems to be deliberately avoiding the teen issue..but that makes me wonder even more-- I dont think I can live with this. I dont feel he is being honest, and he seems to have a different direction in his head about what he wants.. he has many years in 12 step recovery--he knows better than to fool with this supposed recovery.. I think I'll have to get the polygraph overwith--I have a feeling that he does have an abnormal desire for underage girls, and , even though it is not something he acts upon, its a deal breaker.. I dont want to go thru a divorce--
I've been thru it before, and it is SO painful....so confusing...so lonely...so frightening......but then, so is living with a stranger..

It sounds like he is not being honest and that is the number one thing with him traveling. It doesn't sound like he is in a strong enough of a place to do this. sounds like his recovery needs to be stronger until he can undertake that kind of travel. I know my h traveled and did 85% of his acting out on the road. He didn't travel for a year and a half until his recovery was truly established. You can say that you know he is not sober and a traveling job is not what you can live with or if you can do what wach suggests and truly do it for yourself and not get preoccupied with what he might be doing those are options. With the information that you have what is in your highest good?

Mary: The only way I know to even try and help is to point out your own thoughts with you. Anyway, that's what works for me...organizing my thoughts.

You said, ". I don't even feel like I can express my feeling about this because he is nervous and stressed about this "change" of career.. I have seen others post about wanting to be supportive, but also needing to express our own fears and concerns... It seems impossible right now.. and I don't even know if I want to try anymore !!!"

I think there a huge difference in offering support for one who has quit their behavior, and enabling someone who has not quit. Also, hiding what you know to be true, and repressing your feelings isn't supportive and it isn't good for you in any way at all. Offering what you know, what you feel, and what you think, is your part of the relationship. His response to the truth...is his part. He can choose to accept the truth, care how you feel, and stop doing hurtful things...or not. Hiding what you know and feel offers him no opportunity to face the truth of his actions and the consequences of them. They "do" have to "learn" that. Telling my H that I knew about his behavior, and the consequences of that behavior for me and consequently the relationship, was a gift...from me. It was the support for his gaining sanity....the truth...as it really is...not imagination...not fantasy in his head...real.

Putting his feelings above yours is not a good thing. Your feelings should be your main concern. His behavior has brought on any difficulties he is facing. You didn't choose to be confronted with the results of his choices..but you have to do what is best for you in the context of his choices. You should "always" be your first priority. Others fall next. Your children. Then him. Then maybe others.

You wrote about that "I simply do not have the trust for this. I havent even had him take the polygraph, do get to the bottom of his "young teen porn" obsession." Is there any reason that you haven't got the poloygraph done? Is it in any way beneficial for "you" to "not" get a polygraph? You said, "I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me. I just got over this slip( which he doesnt know I know about!)" Why doesn't he know about it? Is there some reason that you haven't confronted him about it? What are the reasons? You shared, " I dont think I can live with this. I dont feel he is being honest." And you shared you found "that he was watching the porn again." So you know he is neither being honest, nor is he in recovery. And addict who is recovered doesn't indulge in porn...any porn. They don't hide what they're doing...and they don't lie.

You shared that your feelings are " I think I'll have to get the polygraph overwith--I have a feeling that he does have an abnormal desire for underage girls,(that's a great first step) and , even though it is not something he acts upon, its a deal breaker.. I dont want to go thru a divorce--I've been thru it before, and it is SO painful....so confusing...so lonely...so frightening......but then, so is living with a stranger.."

Sounds like you are in touch with your feelings. And, you do know some things that would help you make a decision. " I think I'll have to get the polygraph overwith." And you clarified your conflict " I dont want to go thru a divorce" and "living with a stranger.." That is very good that you realize the conflict of emotions. You will have to come to those decisions. You're moving towards getting the information to make them.

I can say this from a personal perspective...how I address "my" personal needs in regard to my Hs addiction. I told him exactly how I felt about travel. Then let him decide what to do with that information. He didn't travel for well over a year. He informed his employer that there were trust issues in his marriage, and that he was not willing to travel for the time being. His choice. He chose to put the marriage before his job. I can't be sure what would have happened had he not made that choice. I do know that it was the best choice he could make in regard to the marriage. The fact that he was concerned about the marriage more than his job, instilled some faith in him.

thank you sheen.. He is rationalizing th eneed for the trucking job. He is bold face lying about the porn.
The reason I havent told him I know..and the reason I havent done the poly :
I want to continue to spy..I know in many ways that is wrong. I suppose maybe I like haveing the power..the upper hand. I know once I tell him, I will not be able to use the webwatcher ever again, It was a financial investment and gives me a sense of security in this matter. What am I trying to find out? The teen issue..the hebephile issue. That is the deal breaker. Right now he is avoiding the teen sites. It is rather obvious. Maybe he is trying to de program his mind from the hebephile tendency, but he is going to the other extreme..women over 50 only.
I could have the poly done tomorrow, and he may "pass" it, but still continue this behavior..I will not be able to do the poly again(can't afford) and I wont be able to use the webwatcher again . I guess I am still trying to "build my case", at this point. Its more about getting to the truth about the underage issue, as opposed to helping him with the recovery. I feel betrayed all over again becuase he looked me straight in the eyes and said he was NOT looking at porn,
AS many people said to me weeks ago..my daughter's/family's safety comes first! Thats were I am at. and I feel I only have a small window of oppurtunity to get to the bottom..to the truth. I'm not 100% convinced the poly will give me the answers.
I know where i am at right now if not healthy..but I have to be realistic about my options right now. Does nayone else in this forum have experince with, or know anyone that was classified as a hebephile/pedophile? I hate feeling this way. I was so very hopeful about our marriage until this started up again. I also understand he is acting out becuase of fear..but he LIED straight to my face and I gave him several oppurtunities to tell the truth. I am not his babysitter.. I do not want to treat him thru behavior modification..I expect more from him because he DOES know about 12 step recovery. He is in relatively high level "service" in AA. He know better, and he knows what denial looks like. He is making a choice.
I dont expect to go on like this indefiently..probably only 2-3 more weeks,,then I will have to divulge what I know. have to run..

Mary: I'm so sorry. The stress must be awful for you. I have never faced what you're dealing with. What I have faced on these issues is less stressful on me than your situation would be. I wish there was something I could say to help. I can say that you sound like you are very clear about your reasoning and your goals. I understand what you're sharing. I would want to know what you're seeking too. I think we all sought to know the depth of what we're dealing with. How far is far? What am I attempting to forgive? Is it safe to give it a try? I understand now why you're watching him. Since you are watching him to learn things about him, be watching his demeanor when he lies. Watch his body language when he lies as opposed to when he's telling the truth. I understand that you feel he knows about behavior modification and he understands denial vs choice. It's good you know some things to help you with decisions.

Take care of yourself through all of this. This stress is awful on health. I pray for your continued strength and that you come to know everything you need to know.