Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
Dorothy Neddermeyer, Phd, wrote the following that I found interesting. Maybe you will too.
The enabler believes he/she is acting out of love for the other person, yet, the opposite is occurring. The enabler is actually making a chronic problem such as an addiction worse. By continuing to lend money to a gambler, for example, the gambler does not have to face the consequences for his/her actions. The enabler is there to bail him/her out of trouble and the tangled web of a downward spiral continues.
An enabler is also part of the definition of codependency. Codependency first rose as a definition of adaptive behaviors a person might make if he/she lived with someone with substance abuse or severe emotional problems. A codependent tends to remain as such, because he/she adapts to or ignores the behaviors of the other. A codependent often becomes an enabler because it allows him/her to avoid conflicts.
The key factor playing in the Vibrational tune of this entangled web is the emotion of guilt of the enabler and the 'poor me' syndrome of the enabled. Guilt is a difficult and coercing tune to play; however, guilt does not resolve or solve anything. Guilt enables the Enabler to be powerless in the relationship. The central focus becomes the Enabled, who holds the reigns of the emotional web. As long as the Enabler is willing to allow the 'poor me' victim to lay a guilt trip, the noose of entanglement becomes tighter and tighter. Both the Enabler and Enabled are tied together from past emotional hooks.
The pattern between the Enabler and the Enabled follows a guilt and self-blame theme:
The Enabler: "I didn't do enough." "I didn't pay attention." "What could I have done better?" "I should have done more." If only____."
The Enabled: "You don't listen." "You don't care about me." "You do more for____." "You never____." "You always____."
Self-blame and guilt loading is the foundation for an Enabler/Enabled relationship. Blame and guilt go together in perfect dis-harmony, playing the tunes of shame and frustration on both sides of the tangled web. Not a pretty picture, and yet it plays the frequency of the out-of-tune vibration of many relationships: marriage, siblings, parents/children, relatives, and business relationships. Name that Tune, and it plays the same song and dance of Enabler and Enabled.
The fine line between supporting someone to take responsibility for his/her self-sufficiency, self-discipline and self-actualization is an act of understanding, commitment and awareness.
The first step to making a change is to see the past as a reference point. No one can change the past. Both parties need to be willing to see his/her role in the relationship. Let go of the blame and guilt game. Be willing to get out of the emotional game altogether. Both parties need to be willing to look outside him/herself to see if the emotional and physical pain within is worth it-regardless of who is the Enabler or Enabled.
Yes, it takes effort and focus to own your side of the entanglement without judgment. Yes, it takes a tremendous dose of courage to see your Self and your role in the relationship. Each side has a choice. What is best for each person's physical and emotional healing? Start within yourself. Next bury the blame and guilt hatchets and start anew.
I think the "A codependent tends to remain as such, because he/she adapts to or ignores the behaviors of the other. A codependent often becomes an enabler because it allows him/her to avoid conflicts." is interesting. That is exactly what I intend to refuse to do.
The enabler believes he/she is acting out of love for the other person, yet, the opposite is occurring. The enabler is actually making a chronic problem such as an addiction worse. By continuing to lend money to a gambler, for example, the gambler does not have to face the consequences for his/her actions. The enabler is there to bail him/her out of trouble and the tangled web of a downward spiral continues.
An enabler is also part of the definition of codependency. Codependency first rose as a definition of adaptive behaviors a person might make if he/she lived with someone with substance abuse or severe emotional problems. A codependent tends to remain as such, because he/she adapts to or ignores the behaviors of the other. A codependent often becomes an enabler because it allows him/her to avoid conflicts.
The key factor playing in the Vibrational tune of this entangled web is the emotion of guilt of the enabler and the 'poor me' syndrome of the enabled. Guilt is a difficult and coercing tune to play; however, guilt does not resolve or solve anything. Guilt enables the Enabler to be powerless in the relationship. The central focus becomes the Enabled, who holds the reigns of the emotional web. As long as the Enabler is willing to allow the 'poor me' victim to lay a guilt trip, the noose of entanglement becomes tighter and tighter. Both the Enabler and Enabled are tied together from past emotional hooks.
The pattern between the Enabler and the Enabled follows a guilt and self-blame theme:
The Enabler: "I didn't do enough." "I didn't pay attention." "What could I have done better?" "I should have done more." If only____."
The Enabled: "You don't listen." "You don't care about me." "You do more for____." "You never____." "You always____."
Self-blame and guilt loading is the foundation for an Enabler/Enabled relationship. Blame and guilt go together in perfect dis-harmony, playing the tunes of shame and frustration on both sides of the tangled web. Not a pretty picture, and yet it plays the frequency of the out-of-tune vibration of many relationships: marriage, siblings, parents/children, relatives, and business relationships. Name that Tune, and it plays the same song and dance of Enabler and Enabled.
The fine line between supporting someone to take responsibility for his/her self-sufficiency, self-discipline and self-actualization is an act of understanding, commitment and awareness.
The first step to making a change is to see the past as a reference point. No one can change the past. Both parties need to be willing to see his/her role in the relationship. Let go of the blame and guilt game. Be willing to get out of the emotional game altogether. Both parties need to be willing to look outside him/herself to see if the emotional and physical pain within is worth it-regardless of who is the Enabler or Enabled.
Yes, it takes effort and focus to own your side of the entanglement without judgment. Yes, it takes a tremendous dose of courage to see your Self and your role in the relationship. Each side has a choice. What is best for each person's physical and emotional healing? Start within yourself. Next bury the blame and guilt hatchets and start anew.
I think the "A codependent tends to remain as such, because he/she adapts to or ignores the behaviors of the other. A codependent often becomes an enabler because it allows him/her to avoid conflicts." is interesting. That is exactly what I intend to refuse to do.
It's important to note that many of us don't realise we are enabling, when it is occurring. Many spouses don't know the full impact of the SA/PA activities nor struggles at the time. Often we are just being that loving spouse who is confused with why he can't stop looking at porn. We are not educated on the right and wrong way to deal with this at the start.
I struggle to call a unknowing spouse an enabler, but one who knows the depth of his activities, and has knowledge of what it takes to turn it around, well then yes then she may be enabling.
I notice the dictionary has enabling as "to provide the means, opportunity, or authority (to do something).
What are your thoughts Sheenre?
My H told me that the reason he did the porn/masturbation thing was because he had done it since he was a kid, it was a feel good thing, a quickie fun bang. He said that he did it even though he knew that I would not be pleased (hmmmm..see...I can make nice...HA!). So, he says that what he was doing was because he was "a selfish, self-centered bast///, who didn't care about anyone but himself when he was doing that. Quote!
Sooo, then I started thinking about that. Selfish! Yeah, true. He has been very selfish in many, many ways. He often slightly, and sometimes more than slightly, hurt my feelings with his selfish behaviors (other than the sex thing...and there too), with little or no regard for me. I didn't make much issue about anything. I just processed the info, the hurt, the dissatisfaction that resulted, and said little, if anything about that.
Soooo, I think that over time, if not immediately, he got the idea that I didn't want a confrontation, or discomfort, of calling him out on it. He was right. Not over little things, or even mediocre things. Rarely did we argue about anything. Maybe seriously 5 times over 28 years. Little skirmishes...rarely.
I figured, hey, if it isn't a huge deal why have bickering and contention around our daughter, family, friends, whatever. I don't like to argue (I know this is hard to believe NOW, but I don't, never did), and I don't like to feel at odds with those I love. So, if I can handle it without confrontation, I figured...why go there? I made a HUGE mistake doing that. I believe he took that to mean that I was afraid to confront, or felt ill-equipped to confront. He knew that I was a contender in my work, or in my business life, but not with those that I love. He just thought that I felt afraid to confront those I love. Not true. Never was. Geeeeeez, does he know that now.
So, he got away with an abundance of little, selfish actions. He got worse over time in many ways....little ways...then bigger ways. I got better at silence and diverting my interest to other things. I ignored him. Soooo, I guess in a way, I trained him to be a selfish little brat. Just like his mommy did. Ahhhh, now there's a story...some other time.
So now, I insist, and so does he, that he treat me like a cherished part of his life...a wife...a lady. No insensitive little nonsense. No "it's all about him" attitude. So I have now "disabled" him...ha...that's a joke. He has disabled himself to act that way...either with porn...or masturbation...or walking ahead of me by several paces...or for insisting on the movie he wants...or going where he wants...or whatever. He talks to me. He asks me what I would like. He says, "If I can't take away the pain of what I did, the least I can do is never hurt you again...and I won't hurt you again." He thinks before he acts now. And, I like it.