Hey. I've read a bit of your story and completely know the angst you must be feeling.

As far as my husband and I go, I went through a 2 month separation from him before he got serious. That is really what put him on the path to honest and genuine recovery. However, its not for everyone. From what I've been told by other SA's, these are a few good boundaries to start with:

1. No porn. If he does look at porn, he has to leave the house until he gets involved with a mens group and finds a counselor.
2. If he is already involved in these two things, then one guy (who does these things) has agreed to leave the house for several days. For some guys, the loss of access to his family is sobering enough to keep them from continuously returning.
3. He must read from some sort of SA book every day for the first 6 months.
4. He must talk to an accountability partner every day for the first 6 months.

Those are a few ideas. Sorry they're not more organized. I'm waiting for a phone call so my brain isn't too focused.

Also, we just recently put on a filter on our computer (because our 3-year old son was getting more computer savvy). Before that we ONLY had a computer-monitoring system (similar to 3x). For my husband it was enough to keep him from going to porn sites, but only because he was very private and secretive about his porn. We also have 3x but I haven't quite figured out how it works. =)

I agree with all of Cali's advise (as always). I also have a text from a recent book i read, that may be of help.

'Mending a Shattered Heart'...A guide for partners of sex addicts By: Stefanie Carnes Ph.d

Pg 69
Do I Have The Right To Set Boundries With The Sex Addict?.........

In the early stages of recovery, its essential that you know you have the following rights in relation to the sex addicts, such as;

*To not tolerate any unwanted sexual advances
*To expect a commitment of recovery defined by actions, such as; 12 step meetings, individual and/or
group therapy
*To set boundries and expect they be respected
*To not accept sexual acting out, such as; no viewing of pornography, no contact with sex partners
*To not be victimised again by the sexual behaviours
*To not be lied to or deceived

In order to implement your boundries, its useful to thoughtfully consider your needs and discuss your ideas beforehand with trusted individuals who understand your situation. If the addicts duplicitious behaviour extended over years, the severity of the violation will be greater, especially if you confronted the addict but your suspicions were repeatedly denied or explained away. If the sexual behaviours you've learned about are a recurrence of other previous indiscretions, then your level of mistrust will be further magnified. If the behaviours is illegal, you may face greater social, legal and financial consequences. It is important to recognise that your partner deceived you and violated your trust and no excuses need minimise this reality.
You may think, He did this because of how he was raised, but these rationalisations, although they may be true, may sidestep you in setting the necessary boundries for yourself and your partner. Making a commitment to developing healthier boundries will help protect you from being victimised by the addiction in the future.

Yes i have a monitoring software on our home computers. Its not your one, but a one stop fee one called webwatcher.com
I have been using it for almost 3 years. My h was at a stage of denial, and lying about his behaviours. I did it to catch him out. Be prepared that you may find something that may be hurtful to you. And a word of caution. It is great at creating boundries on the home computer, but if the sexual addit isn't ready to release his addiction, he may look elsewhere for his high. As with my h. So take care.
The webwatcher has been very useful in his recovery, for keeping him honest, and me building my trust, while I'm away. Also damn great tool if you have teenagers, I know everything!!!....ha ha ha

The thing I'm not so sure about now that I've downloaded the software is that it won't email me until 2 weeks after the fact...IE I won't get an email until 2 weeks from now, if there are any questionable websites being used. To me, that's just like trying to punish a dog who did something wrong hours ago--they have no recollection of what they did wrong and they wonder why their being punished...Of course I know my husband will have recollection of it.

Is it "normal" to have suspicions after a recent relapse? I'm asking because I am bipolar II and when I go into a manic state I start getting more and more paranoid. Yesterday I was convinced that he woke up early so he could use his computer for porn. I asked him flat out and the answer was no--he had just checked him email before work. His story was confirmed when I did a browser history check. Today I'm wondering if he is leaving for work early because he has access to the internet at work and is watching porn there. I honestly am not sure if he has internet access on his computer at work because he hardly uses it. It usually stays off for days at a time...

I agree with both Calli and Trina...and especially this: "To not tolerate any unwanted sexual advances
*To expect a commitment of recovery defined by actions, such as; 12 step meetings, individual and/or
group therapy
*To set boundries and expect they be respected
*To not accept sexual acting out, such as; no viewing of pornography, no contact with sex partners
*To not be victimised again by the sexual behaviours
*To not be lied to or deceived.

Only you know what boundaries will work for you.

You said, "He said he didn't want to get into it because he didn't want to fight." Can he make this answer every time you need to talk to him? If so, then there are no consequences for him. He can just refuse to talk about it...or if you do engage talk with him...he'll call it an argument. So, if you can't even talk to him about it, how can you approach it? I'm not sure.

And you said, " He has been there through all the tough for me and I want him to know I am here for him." And this makes you feel obligated to try and help him. Has he asked for your help? Has he promised to quit? Does he realize how what he's doing makes you feel?

Everyone feels differently about the internet blocks, etc. I am relatively computer literate, or actually, during the first few months, I was obsessed with and feared the computer and him to a great degree, and I figured out a way to block the computer entirely so that he can't access it at all without my password. Crazy, but comfortable for me...and him. I have not removed that password, he hasn't asked me to, and I doubt that I ever will. One cost of his porn activities.

I agree with Trina on another score too. Are you able to handle what you might see? Prepare yourself before you go looking. I went looking through months of deleted archives in my computer to find what I wanted to see. I wanted to see it...and I did. And, yes, it blew me away to once again, after 17 years, get a view of his particular taste. I looked it over good...because for me...it became a sort of weird mantel of protection....from him...and from more pain. He can't hurt me anymore with what I already know...I think. Can't explain that yet. But, I can tell you that it forever removed any doubt about my H and his lust....and those images come up now and again, either randomly or at my will. I haven't tried to dismantle them, though I could with some work I know. I don't want to. I don't want to ever be surprised again. Weird feelings.

The things you are feeling are normal to anyone who has been intentionally deceived. You are on guard and afraid of more deception. And you don't want to feel any more pain...but you also want the truth. Splits your feelings into shattered messes. That happens to anyone who has been deceived and particularly from someone that close to you. It shatters your trust on my levels. He will have lots of proving that he can tell the truth and will tell the truth along the way.

You seem to be sure that you want to stay with him though. So, that is good that you have one decision made. I think I had to make many decisions...that one left to the last because I wanted to quit being angry first. I only recently, after 18 months, have decided to put any faith at all in the future of my marriage. And that is tentative. So, you have remained much more attached to him....maybe that will be easier.

Just another thing that has been said but needs to be stressed-when you put up boundaries-you must commit to these 100%. I am a recovering addict-and when I was actively using I would try and manipulate people I knew I could sway in their resolve. I am telling you-if he is still active in his addiction-he will push you and push you to back down on your boundaries.

THe way I can tell if someone is in recovery is that they have a certain humility to them, and are not hiding the truth anymore. It is hard to tell with certain people, but I know I was ready to get well when I would do just about anything that was asked of me in order to do it. I knew I was on thin ice and was desperate to get well. Is he angry about everything or feeling like it is ok for you to still be suspicious at some level?

I mean, it would be annoying for someone to be following me around, constantly suspicious. But if I really hurt that person with my behavior-I actually would want to prove that I was not doing it anymore and be open to a certain degree to their investigations.

Make sense?

Yes purple its very common for spouses to feel suspicious of our partners, especially after another betrayal. Gosh it use to send me loopy!! It took me alot of years, and really only in the last few months, to be able to trust my h again to stay up on his own, while i go to bed.

When you have given all of yourself, and loved them so unconditionally, to then have them then betray our love and respect, of course we are going to have problems trusting their motives again. It is very much up to them, to earn our love and respect back.

I read the words of KarmicKool and I see my H. He accepts that I am wacky as Hell because of the amount of deception laid on me. I guess it's harder for me to accept than him. I hate having to feel distrustful and distant. but, can't help it.