Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
I've been pondering about this lately, wondering about how honest H is with me when I asked him about his usage of the computer porn, about when he started searching online again for it, etc etc. My Q is more of a technical one....
7 years ago we bought a brand new computer. I remember I'd get al these porn pop ups with ((username)), blah blah blah...when I mentioned it to him, he said because they had his old email address which now that I think of it wasn't the same internet carrier at the time. I just dismissed it as I was pregnant and on bedrest.
Do those pop up when one has registered on a porn forum/website? I think it was most likely due to a virus that hacked in, but still wondering....I honesly don't remember if that user name was also the same as the administrative computer name, but do remember it's a common user id that we'd use and part of our email address at that time.
now, after over the years, more so in the last 2 that I remember, we'd get those virus pop ups....where says your computer's at risk and run scan...I know that's a virus....however, I had him crash the computer 7 years ago, having to reinstall windows and everything, so it was clean for awhile. Until the last 2 years, but maybe it came from elsewhere....I've had several friends comment viruses mainly come from porn websites, but I know for a fact they also circulate on myspace and FB. But, over the last year, I was wiping viruses off the computer weekely, sometimes several a week, not thinking about where they were coming from as I trusted him.
I'm trying to rack up in my head, and see if he's telling the truth. He knows in therapy, and here on out that he NEEDS to be truthful....I'm almost looking to catch him in a lie though..
but, anyways, I have a new computer now for almost 6 months. No virus or popup worries here, finally, with him not online (his choice for withdrawal).
so, pop up username? and viruses in general? sorry for rambling...youngest keeps distracting me
7 years ago we bought a brand new computer. I remember I'd get al these porn pop ups with ((username)), blah blah blah...when I mentioned it to him, he said because they had his old email address which now that I think of it wasn't the same internet carrier at the time. I just dismissed it as I was pregnant and on bedrest.
Do those pop up when one has registered on a porn forum/website? I think it was most likely due to a virus that hacked in, but still wondering....I honesly don't remember if that user name was also the same as the administrative computer name, but do remember it's a common user id that we'd use and part of our email address at that time.
now, after over the years, more so in the last 2 that I remember, we'd get those virus pop ups....where says your computer's at risk and run scan...I know that's a virus....however, I had him crash the computer 7 years ago, having to reinstall windows and everything, so it was clean for awhile. Until the last 2 years, but maybe it came from elsewhere....I've had several friends comment viruses mainly come from porn websites, but I know for a fact they also circulate on myspace and FB. But, over the last year, I was wiping viruses off the computer weekely, sometimes several a week, not thinking about where they were coming from as I trusted him.
I'm trying to rack up in my head, and see if he's telling the truth. He knows in therapy, and here on out that he NEEDS to be truthful....I'm almost looking to catch him in a lie though..
but, anyways, I have a new computer now for almost 6 months. No virus or popup worries here, finally, with him not online (his choice for withdrawal).
so, pop up username? and viruses in general? sorry for rambling...youngest keeps distracting me
According to your post, now you have no pop ups or viruses because he is offline.
On the other hand, from my own personal experience with my husband's use of his computer, the pop ups came from his use of viewing particular sites, but those can cause indefinite pop ups as well, even if those sites have not been visited. From my experience, a complete restoration needs to take place in order to restore the computer back to a time when the sites weren't being used.
I have my own laptop that I use and my husband has his desktop in an office which we share. Both of these computers have blocks on them to prevent him from using the sites. At first I did this in an attempt to control him, but now the blocks remain on the computer to protect my kids.
In general, viruses come from everywhere if you are on the internet. My daughter has a brand new netbook and she is the only one who uses it as she keeps it locked in her room, but she has already gotten several viruses because she has lousy virus protection. More often than not most computer viruses are now coming from the use of social networks and through e-mail links.
I think even without the use of porn sites, if your virus software is constantly running checks, you will come across minor viruses that don't disrupt service in any way and are taken care of through the use of scans.
My husband's computer did have a computer virus within the last few months, but he showed me the site where the virus came from and it had nothing to do with porn (it was actually a website for buying a car since we were looking to trade in our car). That was a nasty virus whereby he had to restore the computer to an earlier date. So viruses can really come from just about anywhere. No website is fully trusted I think.
I hope this helps.
on the last computer, there was a nasty virus that totally crashed the system. When H reinstalled everything, somehow there was no internet/temp file folder. Believe me, 6 months ago I went searching when I found some suspicious cookies listed on our antivirus report. So, no way for me to check his history, and I had trusted him again, and thought we were way past this so I never checked up on him. Boy, was I wrong.
The only way I found the proof of my suspicioins 6 months ago was getting the "recover my files" program. My god, what it called up, and I didn't run it all the way. I couldn't take it anymore. What H didn't realize that even if you erase the history, cookies, etc, it's still in the hard drive
now, the pop ups that say your certain user name, when NOT looking anywhere near porn, as I was years ago, is that from him registering on a certain fourm/website or just a virus that hacked in and got that username? He claims he never signed up for one....even to this day...
Either way, trust your gut. It seems you already know the answer.
Does he use the new computer at all? Does he have another computer of his own, or at work? Is he claiming he never used that computer for porn & you're trying to get the truth as to how much & when he used that computer for porn?
Keep in mind, you can selectively erase certain cookies and history, and keep the rest...essentially erase just the bad stuff, like he did w/ his history.
Also, advertisers (banner ads) also drop cookies on your machine, so it is possible some of the bad cookies aren't from sites he visited, but from ads on sites he visited (there are ad programs that track users this way to target the advertising to them). However, even if he didn't visit "site x" if it was a porn ad, you have to think about what type of site it was on. You don't find ads for porn on regular news websites or rated G sites, you find them on sleazy sites to begin with.
And I'm sure the things I've done will cause some controversy here, but I'll share anyway. I've installed spyware on our computer, and I've also had him take a polygraph test. I've thought about data recovery for a particular hard drive I'm wondering about, but am no longer concerned, as we will do another polygraph test & that should ease my mind as to any more questions I have.
Here's what I have done, but this would only help you if he has a computer he's using currently. I bought Spectorsoft http://www.spectorsoft.com/
for Mac and one for his PC. We now have it at home and on his work computer. He knows it's there now & he's working on recovery. However, years ago when I was suspicious, I installed it on our computer (my computer, really, but we shared it) without his knowledge and it was an eye opener for sure. I was totally in the dark.
It's not too expensive ($99 I think?)
It records everything they do on their computer by taking screen shots. It also records every keystroke (you'll know what he types, searches for, passwords, everything). It is installed hidden. You activate it to check it by hitting a secret combination of keys on your computer. Trust me, it's easy to use.
When we had software to block porn sites on one of our past computers, he used a free file sharing program to access and download porn videos from other people. It didn't use a browser, so no worries about pop ups. It was totally free, and totally worked around any internet blocking software because it was not a browser, but rather a file sharing (Limewire is what he used, but there are others out there). And guys who are into porn, often share their porn. Convenient, huh?
Some things to consider...
They (Spectorsoft) do not recommend you put it on a spouses computer without their knowledge. This can get into some legal gray area whether it is legal to do so without their knowledge.
If it is a shared computer, or your computer, it might be OK (in the legal sense).
I didn't care about the law when I first installed the software, I cared about getting the truth. And it is what helped get him the help he needed. He couldn't argue with proof I had found.
Also consider what you might see...it will likely not be pleasant. Are you ready for that? Sounds like you already experienced that w/ your file recovery program. For me, seeing what he searched for was as hurtful as the videos he'd watch...it's not easy stuff to see if you're not ready for it.
And, if you do go this route, I'd advise you record for several days, and do not tell him what you know. If you tell him, he'll stop & find another way to get his porn (like my husband did...he just bought videos after that & claimed he was sober because he was not on the internet).
Decide how you will handle the information you'll learn. Perhaps set up a couples therapy session, discuss it with your therapist, then bring the print outs (proof) to the session and use it to help get the truth out of him in a safe environment.
Another way to approach it would be to first talk to him and say you'd like him to allow you to put a program on the computer "just in case"....and just to give you peace of mind. Then install it when he's not around. He does not need to know how the program works. He does not need to know it records every key stroke. He just needs to agree to you installing computer monitoring software. At least you'd be OK in the legal sense, if you're worried about that.
There are also data recovery companies who can get way more than a file recovery program can. They charge a lot more and it can be in the hundreds, but if your hard drive is good, they can recover a lot. I had a dead hard drive once & that's how I knew about this. We tried to recover files with them. But if you just want to know what was on there, you can pay them to get it. Just google computer data recovery. You may be able to get browser history & cookies that have been erased. But if you go back too far, certain files get overwritten. You'd need to talk to one of the techy guys...they can explain it.
Or go the polygraph test route like we're doing now. That's another topic! Do a search here on DS...Soberonekenobe has a lot of words of wisdom on those. We tried one without the help of a counselor at the beginning of the month and he failed it. We're going to do another test with the help of a counselor after he writes a full disclosure of all his sexual behavior since we've been together. That way I'll know (even 7 years back) what he has done, without worrying about what's on what computer. Cost will probably be around $400.
Point is, however you go about it, neither of you can get too far in your healing and recovery until the full truth is known.
Good luck...& hugs to you...I know how frustrating it is, believe me. It's good you're in therapy. I hope you can get the truth one way or another. Best way, of course, is if he offers it. Maybe some day he will.
My questions are more for the past....H hasn't been on the computer since the last discovery. I have programs to tell me when activity, and such took place. I know about the keylogger stroke, but thought I should trust him enough. I DID trust him enough, after each other discovery, but now I find myself going back rethinking things, and what he told me. Basically lies.
So....do the popup porn use the username that one registered? or the main computer username/administrator? I know this came from sites visited, as I don't have ANY problems on this pc or my new laptop, but sooo many problems in the past.
I mentioned the polygraph to him. He got upset. Claims there's no reason for that as he never "physically" cheated on me. Obviously, I DO need some other kind of justification as I can't believe his words, as I many times before did
The whole popup thing is a very gray area as far as I'm concerned and doesn't necessarily mean that it's the smoking gun so to speak that proves your husband's use of porn at the same time the popups occurred.
My only other thought on this subject is joint counseling whereby you can raise the issue again in a "safe" environment with an objective third party. If there was use at that time, perhaps your husband would feel safe enough to share at that moment.