Hmmm Em: Balance and groundedness? I'm not so sure what you mean. The first balance I had to find was separating my marriage from me. My life on the one side, the marriage on the other. I had to assign the dysfunction and negativity to the marriage where it belonged. And, look at the rest of my life separately. Then I had something positive to hold onto. I saw little good at all remaining in the marriage, so I needed something good.

I had to realize, for me, that even though I based most of my life around my marriage, it was not the whole of my life, just a part. I had to look for something else good, to balance to bad in my life. I had other relationships to attend. I had my spiritual life. I had the things that have always interested me, long before my marriage. I tended to those a lot to find relief from the loss of my marriage as I believed it to be.

Grounded? For me, there is only one strong base that I could really know was solid. My belief in God and his principles provided that for me. It had, for most of my life, been the foundation from which everything else I did flowed from. It took a good shaking too, but the rock foundation underneath stood solid. I knew that whatever happened, I knew right from wrong. Nothing could convince me that there was any right doings, or acceptable doings, or that society was right, ie, it's a man thing and they all do it. Wouldn't accept that, because there was no Biblical support for that at all. So that was my foundation and still is.

The key is to know your worth. (I hope you don't mind my preachiness, as it is not my intent, I just want to help.:)
I think prayer and meditation have been the most effective for me, because I don't have to pay God to listen to me, and I can feel His love anytime I need to. God doesn't take away pain, but He is a resource we can go to when we are hurting, providing comfort, insight, and just a feeling of being carried through.
SheenRe is right. You have to establish your worth and value outside of your marriage. Your marriage is a team that you both decided to join, but it doesn't change the fact that you are both two unique individuals who need attention and care.
What really helped me become more effective in evaluating myself, and seeing myself in a better light was also going to a very good therapist. I couldn't afford it for a while, but thanks to a good friend, I haven't had to pay for it. It has been a huge blessing. It also helped me that my therapist shared the same faith as me, and therefore we could talk about deeper, spiritual things. I have really found that the only sure foundation is God. You don't take anything else with you when you die, but who you are on the inside and what you have learned. Everything else is temporary. You could lose everything in a day, and then what? I think that through this addiction, I learned that when I had nothing or no one else to go to, He was there. I can say that I have been carried through. It has felt like arms around me when I had no one else, but I can't describe it with words any better than that. I can't deny it, even at the risk of sounding crazy.
I have replaced fear in my life because I decided once and for all that it wasn't working for me. I was tired of crying. I was tired of feeling stuck and victimized. I wanted to be rid of it once and for all. I wasn't going to let others mistakes dictate my happiness. It wouldn't make me any less lovable if he messed up. It wouldn't make me any less beautiful or valuable. I choose love and faith. I choose to err on the side of love and forgiveness, rather than spend my life harboring my wounds and pain, in the attempt to make sure I wouldn't get hurt again.
Now, I know this all sounds good, but I am a realist. It is not easy to choose these things and stick with them. Pain and trauma are very real and can come back. Sometimes they don't go away no matter how much you pray. Sometimes you need medical intervention. Therapy has helped me a lot. Also, don't be too hard on yourself. It is important to just keep trying, whether you have a bad day or not. It takes time and effort. My top recommendations are: prayer, meditation, study, support groups, exercise, nutrition, and therapy. Try to just take care of yourself physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally. Make time, even if it seems impossible. It can be done.
I had to give myself permission to feel the pain and then move on, because I decided I was a good person and was going to be the one to stop the cycle now, and not pass it on to the next generation. I believe the most powerful force on earth is love, and if you have love in your heart, for yourself and others, you can make it through anything. God is the source of love. I don't wish to offend anyone, but I just wanted to tell you that I am in a wonderful place in my life, on the inside. I have come from a terrible, dark place. In the past year, I have lost a son to stillbirth, nearly my marriage, a job, and now am about to lose my home. I have suffered abuse in every way in my life. I have experienced real pain and trauma. Now,I can tell you that I actually feel whole. I can smile and really feel it. I can take a deep breath and just relax. I know things will work out. I know that I need to put in my best effort, and He will compensate where I fall short. This is what has worked for me. ((Hugs)) I wish you the best in your journey to find the answers you seek.

Mizmom: I'm so glad to hear that you are getting so much better. I am too, but I think a lot slower and I'm not sure of the outcome regarding the marriage just yet. I do know that I will go on with my life doing what I believe is right each and every day. I came to some serious conclusions along the way too. I too am going to become happy once again in my life, with, or without, my H. I feel that as long as he stays within the boundaries I have set, we will work on the marriage. If he doesn't, I will go away from the source of the trauma, and just work on me. So, I guess we differ there. But the end is the same....to regain some happiness in life. I lived happily before him, and I'll live happily after him, if it comes to that, much the same way. He will choose his own path and I will choose mine accordingly.

**How do you stay balanced, connected and whole?

For me, the key to helping feel balanced is exercise. It clears my head, and gives me confidence, and the added bonus is the fitness. When i stop going to gym, due to illness, time poor, or family commitments, my mood starts to drop, energy starts to drop, and i struggle to sleep at night as i haven't burnt enough energy.

**What are the moments in your life in which you feel grounded?

There is nothing like kids to keep you grounded. I am so proud of the little adults they are growing into, and feel this is my biggest achievement to date.

**We all have moments of responding to the addiction in fear and anger. But when and how do you respond from balance and groundedness?

I think i have gone through the gauntlet of all my emotions when dealing h's issues. Its been many years now, and i feel like i am finally at a healthy part of my recovery. I no longer fear, nor feel anger at him. I do have bouts of grieving of what never really was for almost 17 years, but quickly try to remember to focus on where my marriage is now going.
As you go through the stages of your own recovery, staying grounded and balanced gets easier. For me personally, i think this is because i no longer think its my fault, or can control him or it. My life would no longer be over, if he chose to go back to SA. I fear no more, because i am strong, and i know i did my best. It is in his hands....responsibilty, that is.....lol

Over the last week I have been going back and reading and re-reading your replies. Over the last year, I have been doing all of these things listed, especially maintaining an active prayer life. It provides a necessary constant and transcendence as I ride the rocky wave of SA. Reading your comments is helping me to keep on going. It is helping me to keep a clear focus on what I need to do and not freeze up. thank you.