Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
After asking one woman still very early in her healing journey to read Tamiâs story and share her thoughts with us, she said:
The story completely illustrates my problem with COSA. I had NO idea what my husband was doing. All I knew was that he was completely withdrawn from us and in a bad mood all the time. At COSA Iâm told that Iâm codependent and guilty if I failed to know what was going on with my husband. But how can I be codependent and at fault if I didn't know? A codependent is aware of the addictâs behaviors and puts up with them anyway. That does not apply to me, and I do not appreciate having to do "work" to cure something I don't have!
Like this woman, many partners of sex addicts weâve worked with do not seem to harbor codependency or co-addict traits. Rather, they demonstrate healthy boundaries; a strong sense of self; and intolerance for their husbandâs extra-curricular sexual activities once they discover them. âWait a minute!â they seem to say. âMy heart is broken and my life is a train wreck. Canât you give me time and help to process my feelings and allow me to grieve my losses instead of skipping ahead to my role in this chaos, assuming Iâm to blame as well?â
Hmmmmmmm.
The story completely illustrates my problem with COSA. I had NO idea what my husband was doing. All I knew was that he was completely withdrawn from us and in a bad mood all the time. At COSA Iâm told that Iâm codependent and guilty if I failed to know what was going on with my husband. But how can I be codependent and at fault if I didn't know? A codependent is aware of the addictâs behaviors and puts up with them anyway. That does not apply to me, and I do not appreciate having to do "work" to cure something I don't have!
Like this woman, many partners of sex addicts weâve worked with do not seem to harbor codependency or co-addict traits. Rather, they demonstrate healthy boundaries; a strong sense of self; and intolerance for their husbandâs extra-curricular sexual activities once they discover them. âWait a minute!â they seem to say. âMy heart is broken and my life is a train wreck. Canât you give me time and help to process my feelings and allow me to grieve my losses instead of skipping ahead to my role in this chaos, assuming Iâm to blame as well?â
Hmmmmmmm.
Tough love knows that help freely given can create dependency
Tough love is non-manipulative and unconditional
Tough love offers empathy, but not sympathy
Tough love is non-supportive of victim stories
Tough love offers support and courage, but not help
Tough love encourages strength not weakness
Tough love doesn't worry that you might make a mistake
Tough love encourages free choice and the learning that comes from making mistakes
Tough love opts for growth in consciousness
Tough love says, âIf you eat biscuits in bed you sleep with the crumbs.â Let the natural consequences flow.
Tough love knows that you must learn how to lose before you can win
Tough love knows that security is in letting go, not in hanging on
Tough love demands responsible behaviour
Tough love doesn't do for them what they can do for themselves
Tough love expects civility, cooperation and courteous behaviour
Tough love respects their rights and commands the respect of self and others
And the top one...oh yeah. One of my issues. If it isn't my fault, then why label me and try to fix me? Maybe I wasn't broken before I married a manipulative liar????????????