What you have been through is a form of emotional abuse. Unless you deal with those demons, they will haunt you throughout your other relationships. Although you have left him, you must deal with them, so they (and him in part) won't continue to control your future.
In this case, i would very much recommend counselling.
You will need to work on your self esteem, your self worth, and forgive yourself for loving, for that was your only sin.
A pyschologist who specialises in Cognitive Therapy, would help here.

I personally have not been through that kind of grief, but absolutely sympathise what you must have been through. You clearly have clarity and strength, to be able to leave that situation, so good on you. Once you put the demons to rest, you'll have your whole life ahead of you. I wish you every successful
And welcome
Trina xxx

I understand some of what you are going through. I did alot of things for my husband that were not me either. I was just trying to keep him happy because I felt that I was not good enough for him and that I had to do these things to make him love me. I now know that I am not the problem. It is him and his issues...don't get me wrong, I have a lot of issues too but I am seeing a councelor to work through mine. I am still with my husband but I in the process of getting out. I think you might want to find someone that you trust to confide in. Someone that you can talk to and that will help you work through your thoughts and feelings. It is not easy but, if you have found someone that loves you and respects you, and you want to the relationship to work, then you need to work through your issues from the past to move on and have a healthy relationship. It just takes time and you have to be patient. Hope this helped.

I know how you feel on a lot of those issues. I became so obsessed in making happy, that I forgot my own happiness.
I looked into implant surgery a couple of times, but maybe the only reason that I didn't do it at that time was because of money. I guess I would only end up regretting it, and I would have done it for the wrong reasons, right?
I also am embarassed to admit this, but I have been obsessively shaving too. I wondered if I was the only one that was hairy and if there was something wrong with me. Once I knew that he really liked that about the girls in porn, it made me feel ugly to have it there, and now he tells me to grow it back, and I just can't yet, as I have done it for so long. It didn't seem to matter, did it? I am taking one day at a time, learning to love me again, but it is very hard to not use him as my mirror. I decided to throw that mirror away, but for some reason, I keep digging it out of the garbage...if you know what I mean.
You are not in this alone! It's too bad that we all are going through this, or have gone through this. At least we have the other ladies on here to strengthen and encourage us, right? I hope that I can do the same for others after I have overcome.
Trina is right about getting rid of those demons, and Timetoheal42 is right about getting professional counseling. It has been very good for me to do that.
I am working on telling myself positive affirmations every day. I made a list and put it in my bathroom, and I read through them and say them out loud at least twice a day. For some reason, it has really helped boost my moral. You may want to try that too.
Take care and best wishes!

All these ladies are right counseling is the #1 thing right now. Although I prefer a therapist with a whole bag of tricks esp. psychoanalysis but with extensive knowledge in sex addiction and trauma. Your ex brought you into his world. It's not so easy to shake off. The remnants are everywhere. The insidious part is that in your effort to erase all remnants of his sex addiction the pendulum can swing the other way and now you are attracted to what seems like a sexual anorexic. Instead of indulging all the time these Sex Addicts go through periods of denial and complete self control only to explode into a state of binging.

And about the implants, from what I understand in 10 years you will have to have them touched up anyway so why not just get a bit smaller implants. I have close gfs that have b-c cups and are in their 30s-60s. No one can tell they aren't real because of their tasteful size. The benefits are when you get older you don't have to worry about harnessing them down (like I do) or wearing 3 bras to jog (like I do). From my point of view that's just being practical.

The shaving thing is weird too. I got used to it and now can't seem to stop... Just gave myself a painful Brazilian (OOOOCCCCHHHHH!!!!) but really am trying to work up the nerve for a sphinx. My h keeps asking NOW that he is in recovery and no longer needs to realize our love making why I am putting myself through this pain and I just rationalized it as I feel more clean. But now that you mention it maybe I am ritualizing myself after the trauma much in the same way he did. So ya see the trauma can be passed down (epiphany!!!!) trauma can not only be passed on to your children but to anyone close to you. WOW!!!! We wear the scares of our trauma therefore attracting other SAs ie.... implants, Brazilian waxes, lipo (for me), hair color too only I have dark brwn, career choices etc. My lipo story is a bit funny.... not so.... I'm a white girl with a Cuban butt. We've all been there or at least thought about it. People just think I do tons of squats in the gym to get the look. I'm personally happy with my look but I suppose after I've worked on the 100's of other issues I have to deal with the next thing I will need to tackle is my need to do drastic things to feel like I look good... But I guess I'm just not there yet... Too scared to even think about it. It was hard enough for me to give up pedicures after the baby was born no longer having the time for them. I rationalize that I just like fashion and having a body that conforms to what you see in magazines is easier to shop for. I also feel better about going into public situations and feel more outgoing when I look my best. So with that said and Knowing now what I know about not going to either extreme... meaning turning into a cult-like monk...No make-up, no hair cuts, collar up to neck, skirt down to ankles...what is the happy medium? What is the difference between taking care of yourself, looking attractive for yourself and your mate, confidence in your appearance and letting yourself go, not caring what others think about your appearance, even your mate. Being Christian I have this question or any other religion for that matter my have the same concept of temperance but in better words: If God gave us beauty to appreciate and tools to make or enhance beauty should we not be thankful for that gift and for the tools to enhance or upkeep? The obvious to me is where you end up like Michael Jackson and turn harmful procedures into an addiction or you are so obsessed with your appearance that you hurt or neglect others to obtain the look... ie. like if I refused to give up my pedicures after baby was born and used his formula money to get them done, dragging him to manicurist disrupting his nap time and need for routine. Or a mom who primps all day while kids are board out of their minds at home. Or like my friend who's mom is a legalistic, Pentecostal, religious addict who shamed her for wanting to be like other kids when she wanted to cut her hair and now that she is 30 something and does wear make-up, cut her hair, work out, wear pants and has tasteful c sized implants her mother shuns her. So I guess unless your breast are so large that people can't pay attention to you, speak to your breasts, point and stare and can't seem to get past your boobs to me that's not bad. I have natural ones with two inches of cleavage and still get dirty looks from other women even when I wear a turtle neck, as if it's my fault God made them and men evitably end up talking to my boobs. For me I wish I had the time and money to have them reduced and perked up. But for now I just have to bend over backwards to prove to those who can't seem to get past them that I am not who they think I am, my brain isn't in my boobs and try to forgive the insensitive looks of disdain. Guess I am conflicted. I want to be treated as an intelligent, sensitive person but look fashionable, put together and sometimes sexy when appropriate. Unfortunately, to some people these are walls that they can't get past.

Am I conflicted? Now I am confused.

I do apologize I somehow posted the wrong story. This is actually someone else's story and in all the cutting and pasting it must have posted the wrong one. My story is under This is my story. please accept my apologies I am new to this board and didn't realize what happened until after it was posted and now I don't know how to delete the post.

wow! Wrong story...but intersting!!!!!


"Am I conflicted? Now I am confused." Me too Lorilou.

What is this shaving thing? Is it considered attractive to look like a little pre-pubescent girl with no pubic hair? I can't imagine why that would seem attractive at all. That would scare me on many levels if my H even suggested that I shave myself that way. Why? It's scary enough that he would want to watch other people at all, much less focus on little girl gentalia. The only time I ever heard of this was from my daughter. Wonder where she got that from???? That's scary too. I'll have to ask her.

I don't think that I ever wanted to be like those sexual toys in the porn flicks. Never! I think they are very sick people. Why would I want to join them???? When I saw the icky crap he looked at, I quit even trying to look sexy...like that...if you can call it that. I call it sick to focus like that on nuts and bolts sexuality. Not love. Nuts and bolts. Not my desire at all. That is just too scary for me. I might end up being seen like those sluts he looked at. A slut. And, I don't want to be looked at like that.

Lorilou: you said "What is the difference between taking care of yourself, looking attractive for yourself and your mate, confidence in your appearance and letting yourself go, not caring what others think about your appearance, even your mate." I feel that if my appearance is what my mate is looking for, or anyone else, then I'm going to lose that battle anyway, eventually, we all get old, wrinkly, saggy and the like. So, how is anyone going to keep a mate if it's about that? That's a losing game if I ever heard one.

I have enough trouble even understanding what he sees in that...much less joining him in his analysis of what sex should be or look like....look like...not feel like...or mean.

And if my H took up shaving himself, I would first laugh until I passed out and then wonder what he could possibly be thinking. I want a MAN....not a little boy who is very busy looking at his own body.

I guess I want a lot more than any of that stuff. That is what I want rid of...not to attract it....

You silly billy, as my kids would say.

The administrators, both Thriver and i can delete posts in this group, along with our MIA founder.

If you wish it deleted, just say so, but all the lovely messages of support, will be gone also, up to you.

TrinaOZ please delete this post as it was a mistake and I apologize. Thanks muxch!!