We went to therapists almost 6 years ago. He went to SA group, I joined cosa and saw my own therapist. I had a grand mal seizure in 2012 that knocked out a lot of my memory (was in water for some time). I had this gut wrenching feeling I kept trying to shake and noticed his distance and change with me and the kids. Forget any sexual activity between us. One night I mustered enough strength and asked him if he fell into his old ways. He kept looking away while answering- I asked him a couple times till he finally looked me in the eyes and said no, he wouldn't do that to me again and didn't want to see me go through it again. He lied. One month later (this week) I caught him and found more proof he lied- was going on at least a month before I asked him. I feel like such an idiot for believing him. I'm having flashbacks of that dark period 6 years ago and there's a rage building inside me. I'm bipolar and previous therapists said I've ptsd from years of this (1st time I caught him was over 12 yrs ago, then 10 yrs ago, then 8 yrs ago then 6 yrs ago, I believe). I threw out all of our books for this last fall as I asked him if we needed them anymore. Since 2009 I developed a drinking problem from trying to deal with all of this pain. I then started abusing as I kept having erratic feelings, bad dreams, and uncontrollable emotions. I commented to others how my being bipolar must affect him- but he never talked about it with me until he was yelling at me in the defensive mode the other day. All I asked is why did he lie to me. He then started to tear me apart, from my drinking to mental state to how I do and don't keep the house (we've lots of animals I care for)!! I hardly said a thing as I think I literally went into shock mode and I also had a lingering migraine from the previous week. I took off my rings and gave them to him. Day I found out I told him to leave. Next day when he came back I told him he might've well stay for kids sake as they kept asking about him. Now we are living under same roof but apart. My emotions are all over the place. I knew he'd relapse or slip one day but we had an agreement, boundaries set. Thing that hurt me is how he lied. Over 14 years together and that's what I get.