Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
We went to therapists almost 6 years ago. He went to SA group, I joined cosa and saw my own therapist. I had a grand mal seizure in 2012 that knocked out a lot of my memory (was in water for some time). I had this gut wrenching feeling I kept trying to shake and noticed his distance and change with me and the kids. Forget any sexual activity between us. One night I mustered enough strength and asked him if he fell into his old ways. He kept looking away while answering- I asked him a couple times till he finally looked me in the eyes and said no, he wouldn't do that to me again and didn't want to see me go through it again. He lied. One month later (this week) I caught him and found more proof he lied- was going on at least a month before I asked him. I feel like such an idiot for believing him. I'm having flashbacks of that dark period 6 years ago and there's a rage building inside me. I'm bipolar and previous therapists said I've ptsd from years of this (1st time I caught him was over 12 yrs ago, then 10 yrs ago, then 8 yrs ago then 6 yrs ago, I believe). I threw out all of our books for this last fall as I asked him if we needed them anymore. Since 2009 I developed a drinking problem from trying to deal with all of this pain. I then started abusing as I kept having erratic feelings, bad dreams, and uncontrollable emotions. I commented to others how my being bipolar must affect him- but he never talked about it with me until he was yelling at me in the defensive mode the other day. All I asked is why did he lie to me. He then started to tear me apart, from my drinking to mental state to how I do and don't keep the house (we've lots of animals I care for)!! I hardly said a thing as I think I literally went into shock mode and I also had a lingering migraine from the previous week. I took off my rings and gave them to him. Day I found out I told him to leave. Next day when he came back I told him he might've well stay for kids sake as they kept asking about him. Now we are living under same roof but apart. My emotions are all over the place. I knew he'd relapse or slip one day but we had an agreement, boundaries set. Thing that hurt me is how he lied. Over 14 years together and that's what I get.
NewHarmony
I am not sure how many people are still subscribed to this group so I wanted to reach out. I wish I could offer hope. In my husband's groups there are some who have long term sobriety so I know it does happen. But it does seem to be the exception, the longer I am aware of sex addiction. My story echoes yours almost exactly. We have been married 23 years and together 26. And most of that time has been a series of acting out, sobriety and acting out again. We even separated for a year although his studio is at the house so I saw him frequently. We reconciled a year ago and he is still in the downstairs bedroom. I would say on the surface we look married but I do not have the same feelings. We are a weird sort of friends and I enjoy his company. There are several reasons I don't divorce him including, I'm sure, my own issues. I think the one thing I have learned is to focus on myself as much as possible. I can't do anything about his addiction and believe me I've tried everything. If you take "us" out of the mix, I live a pretty full and wonderful life. The best thing I ever did for myself was get clean and sober - 9 years now. I would encourage you to seek help for that. It is not easy (as you already know addiction is not) but please for yourself and your children. I am here if you need to reach out again. I am sending you love and hope for a better life.
WoodsieChic
6 years later and I am back, too :(
candycin
6 years sober? Then right back in it?
WoodsieChic
I'm not sure about the original poster, but in my situation, my husband never even attempted to give up porn although I thought he had. He went to counseling and a few 12 step meetings but didn't take it seriously. He has been better as far as actual sex goes but still talked to many women. He is doing a bit more now, but still not sure if it is enough. He actually wants to have sex with me...so that is a welcome change! Divorce is not an easy option right now so I am waiting to see what happens.
candycin
so sad to me...my husband has been sober for 3 years...but not just sober in full recovery. He lied, cheated, etc for 22 years of our relationship and when i caught him on a sex dating site with an active profile, he said it was the only one and that he was watching porn...well he white knuckled it for 18 months, started seeing an addiction therapist and continued to lie to me about his past. He then relapsed with porn/masturbation for about 1 month...and i finally had enough..gave him plenty of chances to come clean and then booked a poly!!! Well the trickle disclosure came over a 2 week period, i then insisted i go with him to his addiction therapist to ensure that he was finally truthful to him, and right there in the office he contacted a rehab facility that had an inpatient treatment program for sex addiction. A week later he flew to heart to heart for a polygraph after giving me a 3 page disclosure, and passed the poly...3 days later he went to rehab for 24 days...he continues 12 step weekly, and knows at anytime that i may ask for another poly. I understand that divorce isnt an option at times but the trauma your husband continues to cause is not healthy at all.
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