Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
Hi everyone-I posted about my husband's porn addiction a few weeks ago( "teen porn issue") and received so much excellent advise. In fact, i have to say the advice and guidance i received here helped more than 1 on 1 therapy, His therapist, twelve steps,friends in many ways. I did come a long way, and the books by Weiss,Carnes, codependence books, Sanon books, all helped tremndously..especially Dont call it Love--
I discovered I too am a sex addict/coaddict.. still sorting that out. My problem at this moment is I'm STUCK>
Things LOOK good with my H . He is going to AA meetings..sometimes twice a day. To Sa meetings once a week(hard to find more).. goes to his therapist weekly.
He wont read--He says he doesnt like reading and he is just very bad at it. Here i've read about 8 books and he can't read 1/3 of one. So I find myself telling him what I have learned and I come off like the codependent whack job that I am.. :)
It just feels like he isnt dealing with the sex addiction. I know this takes lots of time. But he denies having withdrawal--he denies depression & irritability from withdrawal although he admits he is depressed and irritable.
He wont talk about his childrhood, or abuse issues, even though i have shared much of my child abuse hx with him.
I did not get the polygraph yet. I am trying to give him enough time to heal his brain.and get in more in touch with his feelings/wounds.
f..but that could take years! I keep revisiting the screenshots I have of the teen porn and I wonder why I am still with him.
. I also feel he is having/had an EMOTIONAL affair with a beautiful woman with 4 beautiful young daughters where he worked on a private construction job. He recently completed the job and was noticibly very very depressed and tearful. This is driving me crazy.
Many people said they would have already left him or thrown him out. That I "have enough reasons" to end the marriage. I just dont know. We arent communicating. Its going back to the way it was before this all came out. Where we are living separate private lives. I know I'm in early recovery, and this rollarcoaster is normal.
My daughter still wants me to leave him, and she is somewhat disappointed in me for staying with him. She doesnt realize how difficult a divorce is, and we have very limited funds. NO, he did nothing to her..I have asked her over and over. She just doesnt like him..doesnt feel happy with him in her life.
any advise ladies? I really need a meeting..been in all week with a sinus infection... miserable.. can you tell?
I discovered I too am a sex addict/coaddict.. still sorting that out. My problem at this moment is I'm STUCK>
Things LOOK good with my H . He is going to AA meetings..sometimes twice a day. To Sa meetings once a week(hard to find more).. goes to his therapist weekly.
He wont read--He says he doesnt like reading and he is just very bad at it. Here i've read about 8 books and he can't read 1/3 of one. So I find myself telling him what I have learned and I come off like the codependent whack job that I am.. :)
It just feels like he isnt dealing with the sex addiction. I know this takes lots of time. But he denies having withdrawal--he denies depression & irritability from withdrawal although he admits he is depressed and irritable.
He wont talk about his childrhood, or abuse issues, even though i have shared much of my child abuse hx with him.
I did not get the polygraph yet. I am trying to give him enough time to heal his brain.and get in more in touch with his feelings/wounds.
f..but that could take years! I keep revisiting the screenshots I have of the teen porn and I wonder why I am still with him.
. I also feel he is having/had an EMOTIONAL affair with a beautiful woman with 4 beautiful young daughters where he worked on a private construction job. He recently completed the job and was noticibly very very depressed and tearful. This is driving me crazy.
Many people said they would have already left him or thrown him out. That I "have enough reasons" to end the marriage. I just dont know. We arent communicating. Its going back to the way it was before this all came out. Where we are living separate private lives. I know I'm in early recovery, and this rollarcoaster is normal.
My daughter still wants me to leave him, and she is somewhat disappointed in me for staying with him. She doesnt realize how difficult a divorce is, and we have very limited funds. NO, he did nothing to her..I have asked her over and over. She just doesnt like him..doesnt feel happy with him in her life.
any advise ladies? I really need a meeting..been in all week with a sinus infection... miserable.. can you tell?
My h struggled to do the reading at first, in fact he was unable to grasp any literature for the first 12 months.....which infuriated me! I was told that this can be common in SA's at the beginning as their brains feel overloaded, and struggle to process SO much info. They are also going through shame, guilt as they face their actions, shame at seeing our pain, fear that we are leaving......all while working on not acting out, and learning to identify triggers, so not to act on them. Its a difficult time. In fact it took my hubby a year (plus) just to get that stuff under control before he was even ready for working on any repair work, such as childhood issues.
So i just wanted to let you know, i know its slow, but he is going through a process.......just as you are.
Last year i went to a seminar in LA on recovery and they went through the many stages. I have many times talked about the stage of recovery for spouses......well their are some for the SA as well. Here is a link to the stages they go through, which may help you understand his possible path ahead.
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/spouse-of-sexaholics/discussions/messages/8261411
Keep strong, you're doing great :)
I also am an SA, as I can see more clearly from reading the book, although my acting out "essentially" stopped when I came into AA recovery 10 years ago. Reading this book has brought up the past for me, and I think I am just looking for something-- a connection to him, to make sense of this all. I want closure on this devastation of what he has "put me through" this past 2 months, all the while coming to realize why i am with someone like this. I am just coming to terms with my own childhood abuse by a brother,neglect by my mother, and years of suppressing that pain with sex and substances. Maybe I subconsciously feel like my past was "worse" than his, so why couldnt he stop acting out when he became sober 15 years ago? I realize thats irrational : )
It is not fair of me to put so much pressure on him. I can see that now. Thank you so much for your advise!
My H reached that point by the end of his therapy sessions in around six months. So, I do think that the evidence Mr. Carnes gathered was likely done on a "norm" scale. Maybe that is the norm? Sure wasn't for my H. Thank God...would have never lasted even year one.